Saddam Disarms Dissenters BAGHDAD, Iraq-In a last ditch effort to avoid war, Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein ordered the disarming of several adversaries within his regime on Sunday. The dissenters were blindfolded and tied down before Hussein henchmen proceeded to cut off the men's arms at their shoulders. French officials, blinded by unrealistic hopes of peace at all costs, and some morally relativistic Americans on the far Left, who claim that "the American flag stands for hatred, warmongering, and imperialism" (but that we should try to understand where Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein are coming from), hailed the move as "semantically compliant."

Turkish Parliament Burning U.S. Money ANKORA, Turkey- Taking their policy of refusing billions of dollars from the United States one step further, Turkish parliament members publicly burned millions of U.S. dollars already given to their country. With the Turkish economy in shambles, some Turkish citizens are second-guessing their government's refusal to accept an aid package in exchange for permission to station coalition troops on Turkish land. Early this week American officials declared the $15 billion sum "off the table," stating that a northern front against Iraq could be found elsewhere. The offer was surprisingly rejected by the Turkish parliament, some of whom apparently mistakenly reading the "b" in "billion" as an "m." Since the refusal the economy has down spiraled, causing widespread panic throughout the nation. But rather than voting again to accept the aid, several Turkish parliament members went to the streets Monday and burned U.S. currency in protest for a war that's going to happen anyway. Turkish citizens, who overwhelmingly are against the war in Iraq, and blind leftist Americans were at first pleased with the apparent moral stand, but now aren't too sure. "I don't want war, but $15 billion? It's going to happen anyway, so why not take the cash and let them put some troops here? Our economy sure could use that money," said one Turkish citizen. Even liberal historians like Howard Zinn are already calling the decision by Turkey "the stupidest economic move since those stupid French jerks sold us half our country for $15 million in 1803."