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Falwell Accuses TiVo of Homosexuality
LYNCHBURG, VA—The Rev. Jerry Falwell denounced the increasingly popular TiVo on Tuesday, accusing the digital television recording system of “promoting hedonistic lifestyles, including gay and lesbian relationships.” According to Falwell, TiVo tends to favor shows without traditional
Judeo-Christian values over wholesome entertainment.TiVo is a digital television system that not only records shows selected by the viewer, but also programming that it calculates the viewer may be interested to see. This calculation is based on programs’ common actors, directors, subject matter, and research from television demographics. For example, a fan of “The Sopranos” could expect TiVo also to record popular documentaries on the mafia. Or a faithful viewer of “Survivor” may find other reality shows recorded on the system. Falwell, who in the past has accused Teletubby character “Tinky Winky” of being gay, denounces TiVo’s “Wish List” feature as having a “leftist, immoral bias.” Falwell’s basis for these accusations thus far is purely anecdotal. “If you look at my very own recording history with TiVo, it’s clearly evident that he’s gay,” said Falwell. “One day I recorded both 'Trading Spaces' and a documentary on D-Day, so TiVo went ahead and taped 'American Beauty,' assuming I was a gay military man. “Another time I watched 'Will and Grace' just once and the next day a rerun of 'Ellen' was on there, and now I can’t get it to stop recording 'Queer as Folk.' I’m telling you, either TiVo is gay or I’m gay, and I’m pretty sure I’m not gay.” |
Avant-garde Artist Displays NothingAPPLETON, WI—After being secretly embarrassed by the sight of a male nude sculpture and a prominently-displayed painting of a female breast, 34-year-old Debbie Moss was thrilled to view La Pomme Rouge Gallery’s latest exhibit “Oblivion” by modern artist Velma Roche.
Roche’s exhibit includes a canvass, undeveloped photography, and an air sculpture. Art critics from across the nation are hailing the display as “refreshingly clean,” “decidedly pre-postmodernist,” and “free of error.”
A historically uncultured town, Appleton recently has received a triple shot of class with the arrival of a performing arts center, a sophisticated coffee shop, and La Pomme Rouge, a high-end art gallery. Yet with art often comes controversy. Dozens of people have been secretly dismayed by past displays of tasteful nudity at the gallery. So when Roche unveiled her newest exhibit at La Pomme Rouge, Moss and many others were excited to see nothing offensive. “I’m happy to finally see an art display here free of body parts and, well, everything,” said Moss. “I look forward to bringing my children here so they can appreciate art for themselves and to show them how easy it can be.” Copper Rock Coffee, located in the same building as La Pomme Rouge, is offering a promotion to coincide with the new avant-garde display. “For only a dollar, art lovers can enjoy a cup of our new Vacuity brew while browsing the display,” said owner Bill Heiges. The new coffee comes in nothing and nothing decaf. Roche plans to add to her exhibit as soon as she doesn’t finish several projects, including an abstract sculpture, a glasswork display consisting of a pile of sand, and the “Unstarted Symphony: An Absent Tribute to Schubert.” Summer Brings Sharp Decline in School ViolenceResearchers offer array of explanations(Neuters) Communities across the nation are once again reporting a sharp decline in school violence during summer months. While reports of violence remain steady in year-round districts, researchers are attempting to explain the decrease in areas with traditional summer vacations.“In the summer people tend to be happier in general—going to ballgames and barbeques and swimming pools and whatnot—and this happiness trickles down to our children, who are then subsequently much less likely to hurt others,” explained Harvard professor Donna Schroeder. Other researchers make more indirect, hidden connections. “There is definitely a correlation between air conditioner sales and a decrease in school violence,” offers criminologist Michael Schumacher. “If we can successfully lobby the federal government to provide funding for air conditioning purchases in high-crime school districts, we can all but eliminate this growing burden on society.” Others see a connection between television programming and violence in school, a much-debated topic. “It’s now rerun season,” explains Times columnist Frank Murphy. “Children often argue about the meaning of new episodes of shows like (Nickelodeon’s) ‘Sponge Bob Square Pants’ and (MTV’s) ‘The Real World,’ but without the suspense and conflicts over what will happen next week, they’re less likely to fight.” As to the reason for continued levels of violence in areas with year-round schooling, Murphy and Schroeder agree that “the kids are probably just ticked off because they’re in school.” No statistics on violence in summer school have been provided. |
 Bush Loses Poker Game to Dogs  Teacher Spends Summer on Ass
Mr. Trite
"Man, how ‘bout this weather? |
Credit Card Company Charges Ahead with Unusual Campaign
Shaky economy, record low federal funds rate bring “pre-rejected” mailings, spam
WASHINGTON, D.C.—The Federal Reserve’s further slashing of interest rates on Wednesday, along with a still-shaky economy, apparently caused one credit card company to launch a new campaign to cut costs. Going against conventional pre-approved applications and other tantalizing offers to potential customers, Discover Card has started pre-disapproving risky credit prospects, much to the detriment of self-esteems across America.Economists debate the long-term effect the Fed cuts will have on credit card companies, but Discover, like many other corporations, is presently trying to downsize in light of the recent cut and the slowly growing economy. “While it is true that the Fed rate does not directly affect credit card rates, it does affect the overall economy and is indicative of slow growth and slowed consumer spending,” said Discover CEO Michael Thorndike. “Unfortunately most people don’t buy houses and cars on credit, so we need to be careful.”
Most consumers with good to excellent credit history are all too familiar with mailings from credit card companies, offering pre-approved accounts and other gimmicks. These unsolicited offers are now often seen in the form of email “spam.” But now thousands of Americans with poor credit history are now receiving letters and email informing them that they are pre-rejected or “pre-disapproved” for a credit card. “My friend Joey says to me the other day that he got turned down for a credit card that he never even ‘plied for,” said Chicago resident Jason Barnhart. “Then I gets this email saying I’m pre-rejected for this card. I know it was probably just junk mail, but it really kind of hurt.”
Discover insists that they are not just targeting consumers with poor credit history for pre-disapproval. “We’re going after social parasites of all kinds. People with criminal backgrounds, deadbeats, college students, anybody we see as potentially high-risk we’re letting know that we don’t want as a cardholder,” said Thorndike.
In what may also be viewed as a sign of a shaky economy, thousands of internet users have reported receiving spam offering products to decrease the size of certain body parts, higher mortgage rates, pro-hair loss creams, diets to gain weight, and free passwords to family entertainment websites.
Bush, Powell Introduce Middle East Pork Peace Plan
WASHINGTON, D.C.—In an attempt to capitalize on one of the cultural commonalities between Israeli Jews and Palestinian Muslims, President George W. Bush and Secretary of State Colin Powell announced plans for a “Faith-Based Peace Pork Initiative” in the Middle East. After several outbreaks of violence during the last three weeks, the Bush administration wants to stem future attacks by threatening the use of “non-lethal, but damning,” doses of pork products on any “purveyor of terrorism,” either Jew or Muslim.According to dietary laws in both Judaism and Islam, the consumption of pork products is strictly forbidden. Since most Israelis are of Jewish faith and Palestinians are predominantly Muslim, the Faith-Based Peace Pork Initiative has great potential to curtail violence on both sides.
“The thought of being force-fed an unclean animal would make me think twice (before strapping a homemade bomb to myself and detonating it on a bus filled with innocent Israelis),” said Palestinian Hamas militant Nabil Abu Rudeineh. Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon and other Israeli officials are also concerned over the prospect of a pork deterrent. “I suppose we could consider giving a real shot at peace if it means we don’t have to eat something that doesn’t chew its own cud,” said one Sharon aide.
Administration officials did not disclose plans on how to force-feed pork to violent Jews and Palestinians, but a few ideas have been floating around Washington over the last few weeks. Among them include mixing pork byproducts in grain exports to the Middle East, the use of special ops non-kosher chefs, precision-guided pork ordnances, and—if needed—a pork-filled plutonium atomic bomb.
According to Bush aides, portions of the Faith-Based Peace Pork Initiative will be implemented as needed, depending on future progress of the Middle East roadmap for peace.
