click here for the old site.

8/6/04 I updated my Digressions Page. My brother got married. Things could be worse, I suppose.

Sign the guestbook and check out Ehlke's Digression page; it's really quite ordinary.

Read the Daily Digressions!!! now.

Mr. Trite Conversation-Starter-of-the-Week

Clever ideas to break the ice and make that great first impression

"Man, can you believe that the (Cubs/Red Sox) lost again? Looks like the (goat/Babe Ruth) curse is still alive.
How 'bout you?"

Old News

Apparently my MLC-era attempt at humor was put to rest in a small ceremony on the Boo Brodie show. Now I know I've made it big. Check out the photos here. Go to "show notes" and from there go to week one.

I thought I would just say what's happening in the world of The Cabbage right now: nothing. Seth and Mark are in discussion about working together on some sort of publication in the future...perhaps The Cabbage, but most likely something a little different and on a grander scale. In the meanwhile most of the activity on this site is taking place in the Daily Digressions page, which can be accessed down below. Sign the guestbook as long as you're here. Thanks.

Special short story by Paul Mattek. Follow this link.

Click here for latest issue (6/26/03)

Follow the link to issue VII.1. Due to time constraints, only the web version is available; check back soon for the PDF version in case you want a printer-friendly copy. Issue best viewed with Internet Explorer because I was too lazy to work all the bugs out in Netscape.

Loser finds motivation through increased site traffic

Due to overwhelming site traffic (despite nobody signing the guestbook), The Cabbage will publish the very first exclusively online issue this Thursday! Help us spread the news by calling, emailing, and telegraphing your friends and family and telling them about the new issue. As of Saturday nothing has been written, but The Cabbage is known for cranking out mediocre, yet somehow entertaining, material in just a few days. In the meanwhile, tell your friends about the new site and give us some feedback either by signing the guestbook or emailing us.

Loser Updates Homepage

APPLETON, WI--Mark D. Ehlke, who currently contributes nothing to society, finally updated his hompage on Sunday. The banally unattractive 24-year-old unsuccessfully attempted to recall what kept him from updating his Daily Digressions site. "Maybe it was my social life, nope. Maybe it was my job, nope. Maybe it was my girlfriend, nope. Maybe it was all the work I was doing around the house, nope," said Ehlke. Whatever the reason, interested readers can read Ehlke's latest digression by clicking on the link at the bottom of the page. Ehlke insists that he will strive to update it on a somewhat daily basis from now on.

Underground Newspaper Sprouts New Website

APPLETON, WI--After a three week cabbatical, the most popular newspaper parody among ultra-conservative midwestern Lutherans has emerged from a new location. But with the majority of the staff moving to Milwaukee in July, the future of The Cabbage is still quite uncertain. For the latest updates on the future of the paper and other related news, click here, or go to Mark D.'s page below.

Thousands have been publicly showing their frustration since the underground newspaper shut down publication in the middle of May. Riots, obscenity-laced tirades, hate mail, and book burnings have ensued over a fortnight of terror. Cheeky Baraboo, the long-time editor of The Cabbage, commissioned the funds for this new website in order to alleviate the pain of parodolical withdrawal. "Above you can access all past issues in the archive, find out a little bit about our hard-working staff, read about how we got started, find out how to contact us, sign and view our new guestbook, connect to other interesting websites, and below you can check out the Daily Digressions page," said Baraboo.

Novice Webmaster Deletes Entire Old Site

Butt saved by Modevia computer gods

APPLETON, Wisconsin--Mark D. Ehlke managed to delete every single file from the old Cabbage website, reports indicated on Sunday afternoon. The 24-year-old moron claims he was "cleaning up some old files" on the server when all of the files started "going bye-bye." Ehlke proceeded to cry for well over three minutes, wondering what the world would come to without his public archive of Daily Digressions. After finally choking back the tears, he bowed before Mike Wendt of Modevia Web Services, pleading for mercy. Wendt has agreed to use his omnipotence to travel back into the time before Ehlke's transgression and right his wrongs, thus saving the web novice from cyber hell. Thanks to Wendt's mercy and web genius, The Cabbage Online's old site will soon be reposted while this new site is finished by Ehlke.