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---

Name and Location:

Nate Smith Rapid City, SD

Email:

natosmith@hotmail.com

Homepage:

Front living room, bookshelf, page 37 of Shut Up and Sing by Laura Ingraham

Question for Mark:

What it the correct usage of; the semicolon?

Digression

Hello, I would just like to say that Mike Smith is my younger brother. (See reference in Mark's March 1, 2005 rant) Hi Mark, Nate

---

Name and Location:

Brett/Appleton

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Digression

Drew Rosenhaus is the worst thing that has happened to sports since the American League allowed designated hitters in 1973.

---

Name and Location:

Mark in Milwaukee

Email:

Homepage:

this one

Question for Mark:

Who do you think you are?

Digression

I'm too lazy to go into the HTML and digress under my own page so I'll do it here. To answer Scott's question: If a cricket chirps on a website and nobody's there to hear it, does it show up in the source code? I'm going to NM and AZ with a beautiful woman; that ain't bad. I just have to get through the next couple of hours of graduation service and report card handing out and being nice to parents and visitors and then I've got inservice tomorrow morning for a few hours. Oh, and I've got to get ready for my trip...I don't think I'll sleep tonight. But that's okay. bye

---

Name and Location:

Scott

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Am I the only one that hears crickets chirping when I visit this site?

Digression

Wow it has been quiet here. I know your training to become the best softball player ever consumes a lot of your time these days, but I thought you'd at least make a comment or two.

---

Name and Location:

Mark

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Digression

I still love you, Brett.

---

Name and Location:

Mark

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Digression

I still love you, Brett.

---

Name and Location:

Brett

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Digression

This site is almost as lonely as my life.

---

Name and Location:

Brett

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Digression

This site is almost as lonely as my life.

---

Name and Location:

Mark

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Digression

Happy Birthday, Mark.

---

Name and Location:

Grandma Ehlke/Appleton

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Do you feel older? When are you going to see your new nephew?

Digression

Happy Birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday to Mark, happy birthday to you. Don't forget to thank your grandmother for the birthday greetings she sent to you!

---

Name and Location:

Brett

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Digression

Happy birthday, Mark.

---

Name and Location:

Mark

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Digression

Happy Birthday, Braden.

---

Name and Location:

Mark

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Digression

Happy Birthday, Tom.

---

Name and Location:

Brett

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Digression

Happy birthday, Scott.

---

Name and Location:

Mark

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Digression

I have a place for beer. Brett, I love you.

---

Name and Location:

Brett

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Digression

I have beer.

---

Name and Location:

Mark

Email:

Homepage:

right here, baby

Question for Mark:

Do you ever get jealous of yourself?

Digression

Yes, happy birthday, Josh. When are you going to be home for Easter? Not like you read this or anything but this way it looks like I'm trying.

---

Name and Location:

Brett/New Ulm

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Digression

Happy birthday, Josh.

---

Name and Location:

Brett

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Digression

It was the game before the championship.

---

Name and Location:

Mark in Milwaukee

Email:

ehlkemd@hotmail.com

Homepage:

this one

Question for Mark:

Why haven't you finished the dishes yet?

Mark's reply:  It's a delicate balance of apathy and laziness.

Digression

My digressions page is down, in case you haven't figured it out yet. I'm planning on doing a little Spring-cleaning with it when I get a chance and/or when I am completely bored. I want to apologize to my legions of fans out there. But this by no means means that your means of digressing is down; so feel free to digress.

---

Name and Location:

Paul / St. Croix School for kids who want to learn to read good and do other stuff good too

Email:

prodigalson@outofworkpseudoteacher.org

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Is a digression a digression if I'm not complaining about anything?

Mark's reply:  It can be.  I'm going to digress now, but I have nothing to complain about at the moment.

Digression

I'm going to Miami in March, and to Europe this summer. Yes, I am selling drugs to finance my travels -- in case you were wondering. In case you are a law-enforcement officer reading this, the previous comment about selling drugs was a joke.

---

Name and Location:

Ted Williams/ in a freezer

Email:

splendid_splinter@redsoxrule.com

Homepage:

www.damntheyankess.com

Question for Mark:

Digression

I think it's time for you to change your Mr. Trite-Conversation-Starter-of-the-Week.

---

Name and Location:

Scott/Here

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Really for Brett, but Mark may answer too: Brett, you're saying Mark learned everything from you? Holding hands, cuddling, kissing? Wow... that explains a lot.

Mark's reply:  I really should shut this thing down now.

Digression

Usually it's Mom that teaches those things...

---

Name and Location:

Brett

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Digression

That's because he's learned everything from me.

---

Name and Location:

Paul

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Digression

Dr. Love is getting schooled by an average-looking, underpaid, socially-inept, and Peter Gabriel-obsessed teacher from Milwaukee. Way to go Mark.

Mark's reply:  I'm underpaid?  Crap.

---

Name and Location:

Kathie: At home as usual... too large to get out of the house.

Email:

I have no idea. My husband keeps changing things around.

Homepage:

What's a homepage? Please say it doesn't have to be built / installed / hung / wired / painted / insulated / inspected etc... before April!

Question for Mark:

When can I put you down to babysit?

Mark's reply:  Whenever you want; you know I don't mind watching Scott once in a while.  

Digression

I use our computer for only three things… shopping, e-mail (that I rarely respond to) and solitaire. And now I’m on the verge of rendering this contraption even more useless by no longer shopping. There is too much information out there and it’s giving me a “bad mom” complex. I have been tirelessly searching the internet for the very best baby products I can find. Evidently I have the knack of choosing only things that other more experienced parents describe as: “a waste of money” “the stupidest thing ever designed for a child” “able to sever limbs if not closely monitored” “can easily tip over” etc… etc… etc… Then if I actually register for something that will not cause irreconcilable harm, the next time I go to the store they have completely changed the models/styles/products and I have to start all over. I’m not a dumb person really! I actually have a masters degree but this is the most complicated thing I’ve ever done. Mary had the right idea: manger, some hay and swaddling cloths. That’s it!

---

Name and Location:

Scott/Work (where else?)

Email:

Not disclosed due to recent SPAM attacks on this site.

Homepage:

http://www.scambusters.org/stopspam/

Question for Mark:

Does the fact that your web site has been hit by a rash of spam rants (as opposed to ranting spams) mean that the cabbage is now 'big time?'

Digression

It is truly a sad, sad day when the likes of The Cabbage are no longer immune from the ever expanding world of useless crap that the spammers hurl in our general direction. who goes to these sites anyway? I mean the spam sites, not The Cabbage, everyone goes to the cabbage! (or should)

---

Name and Location:

The same old lady in Appleton

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

What does non-WELSian mean? Should I worry?

Mark's reply:  I'm sure that I don't know.

Digression

All of you will be home for my birthday (except for No 1 son, who will be in pain). We are going out to eat Saturday night. I'm agree that Tom would say "Tony," especially since he's never seen the Sopranos!

---

Name and Location:

Brett

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Who would win in a fight: Tony Soprano or Tony Scali?

Mark's reply:  I think that's the greatest question ever asked.

Tom's reply:  Tony.

Digression

My answer would be my commish, Tony Scali.

---

Name and Location:

Paul

Email:

Homepage:

www.whoopdefreakingdo.com

Question for Mark:

Why are depressed people the best humorists?

Mark's reply:  I wouldn't know; I have absolutely nothing to be depressed about.  Well, besides the fact that I'm a banally unattractive dateless wonder whose fat  non-bathing non-grooming balding little brother has a hot WELS yet non-WELSian girlfriend.  

Digression

The less I try, the better of a job people think I am doing. People are stupid. In addition, the more I whine, the more people think I care. People are stupid.

---

Name and Location:

An Old Lady In Appleton

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Sometime will you call your mom?

Mark's reply:  I call my mom lots of things.  By the way, it turns out we do not have a tourney this Saturday (it's apparently a B-team tournament and we felt it wouldn't be right to send our starting A-team) so I might come home either Friday late or Saturday during the morning.  What's the plan?

Digression

Happy Birthday to Brett. My baby is 21!

---

Name and Location:

Brett

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Digression

One more thing: Isn't it sad that the NFL fines a player $30,000 for taking out a cell phone after scoring a TD but yet fines another player only $10,000 for making an obscene gesture to the crowd?

---

Name and Location:

Brett/New Ulm

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Digression

Happy birthday to me. Paul, I have your dad for class. I've got nothing else.

---

Name and Location:

Ben Wink, Fond du Lac, WI

Email:

eminencefront@hotmail.com

Homepage:

www.everybodywangchungtonight.com

Question for Mark:

Mark, what's your dream?

Mark's reply:  My dream is that I end up being a single, incompetent WELS teacher who has absolutely no control over his classroom and who spends some of his free time being an incompetent coach.  That and having everyone hate me.  Dream fulfilled!

Digression

Yes, it was me. I was visitor #1240. I know that you're all wondering who it was and I can now say with a confidence similar in nature to how Carson would say a monologue, that it was me. How about that Johnny, eh? I just heard that Leno was going to be stepping down as sort of host of The Tonight Show in the next few years. Amazing that he's been there OVER TEN YEARS NOW, isn't it? All the drama that went on between him and Letterman vying for that gig and it is over a decade old now. Has Jay ever stepped out of Carson's shadow? Ever? Nope. Not even close. I think the audience sticks around hoping for Johnny to make a guest hosting appearance, but all this time: no dice. It's kind of like watching TV only because you never know when the next Lee Harvey Oswald prison transfer is going to be aired or when the next Al Cowling taking a leisurely drive in L.A. televisual feast will occur. I was rewatching my best of Carson DVD set and alls I can say is that Jay should've quit as soon as he heard that Dave was interested in the job. The only good thing that came of the entire Jay/Dave/Tonight War is Conan O'Brien. That's it. Oh and Dave's show managed to get better still, despite shingles and heart surgery and babies and everything, Dave is still the best. But as long as Jay is thinking about tanking, give Dave the show or better still: GET JOHNNY BACK! Hip young audience wouldn't go for it? Good! You see, here's my theory: as the Baby Boomers gray across this great land of ours, making Social Security irrelevant for the rest of us, they are THE huge TV audience. They're the TV generation! Go for that demographic! Just because they're in their 40s and 50s and 60s doesn't mean they don't like buying things. They love the concept of buying things in general! Go for them and let the teeny whiners have their 612,890 OTHER shows on TV. Give Johnny the 11:30 time slot on weeknights on the growing irrelevant everyday networks. These Boomers grew up with Carson and unfortunately he left before I could really get into him. But what I could watch growing up is a warm memory. I was the only one in my 8th grade class that was saddened by his leaving. And watching his ease in front of the camera whilst poring over these Best Ofs, I get depressed because I remember that the networks encouraged his leaving because they viewed Arsenio as the next great thing. That's right: ARSENIO HALL. Ahem. Well I think we all see where that went. The same place that M.C. Hammer pants and Brian Bosworth's film career went: STRAIGHT INTO THE BOWELS OF HELL ITSELF. Which, dear reader, is a good thing, remember that. So Mr. NBC, as I know you're an avid Cabbage-related website reader, bring back Karnak. Bring back Joan Emery. Bring back Hy-YO! Where's Doc? Where's Ed? Where's the "HOW (BLANK) WAS IT?" audience responses? And most importantly, WHERE'S JOHNNNNNNNNNNY??!?!?!?

---

Name and Location:

Paul

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

What's up?

Mark’s reply:  Well, that depends on how you look at it. Down for us is up for most of the world's population, so I guess I'd say my shoes.

Digression

If only you belonged to a cult that believed the dead stay with us, then you wouldn't die lonely, you'd just join the well-populated ethereal invisible cloud of the living dead that is around us right now keeping us company - ha.

---

Name and Location:

Brett/New Ulm

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Digression

I've noticed a sad trend here at MLC: Whenever the Packers win on Sunday, I notice a few people wearing Packer apparel on the following Monday; however, when the Packers lose on Sunday, I never see anyone sporting a Packer jersey, shirt, hat, or suspenders.

Name and Location:

Paul

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Are you dead?

Mark's reply:  Well, my social life is, but other than that, I'm all too alive.  I shall digress soon on my page.

Digression

Ben, thanks for the advice. I plan to follow your prescription this evening.

Name and Location:

Ben Wink

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Digression

Forgive the "you're/your" error. I apologize. I was tired, but irregardless, that's not an excuse.

Name and Location:

Ben Wink, Fond du Lac, WI

Email:

eminencefront@hotmail.com

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Mark? Nevermind.

Mark’s reply:  okay.

Digression

Paul, if I may call you Paul, I know you're question was for Mark, but allow me to throw out an answer to relieve teaching madness. Alcohol. Be sure to support your local alcohol establishment! This message has been brought to you by your Local Booze Council, who urge all people of all ages to indulge! Booze, it's what replaces dinner!

Name and Location:

Paul

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

How do you keep a teacher from going insane?

Mark’s reply:  I follow Ben’s advice above.

Digression

I've gone mad.

Name and Location:

Ben Wink

Email:

eminencefront@hotmail.com

Homepage:

www.pantsareoptional.com

Question for Mark:

Mark, if you were going to take over the world in a villainous way, what would your caper be? You know, something so big that you'd have to call in the entire Justice League because Superman alone couldn't handle it alone-type of scheme?

Mark’s reply:  The wheels are already turning, my friend.

Digression

Well seeing as how Brett has managed to have all the glory of being No. 1,000 to view Mark's digression arena, I think we should all pause and reflect for a moment. Ahhhh....that's nice isn't it? Oh so peaceful.... Anyway, now that the moment of peace is over, let's all give Brett a great big hand for taking the time to sit there for several hours refreshing the page until the odometer rolled around to one grand. Kudos to you, Mr. Ehlke! So is there anything that has been sticking in my craw as of late? Well why else would someone be here on these pages? So here's some random utterings of nonsense for those 11 people that are starving for some kind of new material within this electronic superhighway nether-region. I have a new person on this planet that deserves my daggers of loathing. This isn't a specific person, but a general type of person. You see them all over at this time of the year. They are the "men" that wear those flimsy gray scarves everytime they go out. At best these articles of clothing keep someone warm as well as any moist cocktail napkin. At worst, they can't even swab up all the blood that comes from the severe injuries that I wish to commit on their scrawny, espress-drinking, sneering, rather preppy, and insignifcant asses. You know these types. They ENJOY Native American tribal dances. They go to art museums in order to hold their hands contemplatively on their chins whilst looking at a Monet and say, "Hmmmmmm...." at the same time. They can't have doughnuts because croissants are the ONLY pastries on this green earth worth touching their lips. They watch foreign films without subtitles, even though they don't speak the languages represented, because "the film should communicate beyond such petty boundaries such as language". Now maybe it is my fault for having been in several Barnes & Noble stores within a short amount of time and therefore have seen these "men" in abundance. And yes, it is only the guys. The ladies there and anywhere can wear any number of scarves and I won't bat an eyelash regarding their safeguards against the weather. After all, I've surmised that women have a lower resistance level to colder weather. Guys can get down to a t-shirt in 20 degree weather and think that it's just a trifle brisk outside but tolerable. Women want to start burning furniture once the thermometer reads below 60. I'm not saying that women are weaker in this regard, personally I think that they're wired to be smarter in regard to avoiding hypothermia. But what is the purpose of this washcloth/scarf that these little she-males are wearing during the winter? Am I missing something? What drives me even crazier is when they bother to actually throw this flimsy thing around their necks when outside. This is not a woolen scarf that can actually protect your neck from up to 0 degrees Kelvin outside, it is a glorified Wet-Nap. This is a doily, give it up. Put down the volume of your poetry that you bring with you into the Starbucks in order to attract attention and get rid of the scarf. And one final unrelated point from this evening. I went to go see the W.C. Fields film "Million Dollar Legs" tonight and before they started the flick they were playing a Jimmy Durante radio broadcast over the theater speakers. While I'm listening, the guy behind to the left mentions that the last time he ever saw Jimmy Durante on TV was on some date in 1967 on the Smothers Brothers show. He mentioned the EXACT date. THE EXACT DATE for something that wasn't even close in significance to say Kennedy being shot, the Challenger exploding, your children being born, or even the first day you realized that Whitney Houston wasn't that attractive or talented. He didn't sound like Rain Man or Mr. Spock, so I go into this flick completely bothered by wondering why in heaven's nomenclature this schmuck would know the EXACT date he last saw Jimmy Durante on TV. I mean I have a great many interests and hobbies and loves when it comes to the entertainment industry but I'll be hanged if I can remember the exact day I first watched the cartoon MASK on TV or the day that I first heard the greatest band in the world, Huey Lewis & The News, or the day that I saw a movie that starred Humphrey Bogart where he DIDN'T smoke. I bet this guy was wearing on of those flimsy scarflettes in the darkened theater too. "Oh well, I mean I'm just a casual fan, you know. *sniff* But I can remember the last time I heard the Cheap Trick Live At Budokan album. Cold in here isn't it? Anyway, it was on October 18th, 1993 at 5:42 PM. Brrr...chilly. Are you finished with your croissant?"

Name and Location:

Brett

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Digression

I'm lucky 1000!

Name and Location:

Brett/New Ulm

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Digression

Congratulations to Brett Krause and Michelle Marks who were engaged on November 15, 2004.

Name and Location:

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Where are you?

Mark’s reply:  In the State of Denial.

Digression

Name and Location:

Dr. Love / A state of disbelief

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Will Kerry pull a Gore and recant his concession?

Mark’s reply:  Yes.  I mean no.  I said he would before I said he wouldn’t.

Digression

I can't believe Kerry is conceding without a fight. Maybe he knows the negative impact for the democratic party's image of two consecutive drawn-out disputed elections. Kerry showed some class; Dr. Love is mildly impressed. Edwards, on the other hand, is a little lawyer punk. "We're gonna fight this till the end...blah blah blah." I can almost imagine Kerry slapping Edwards upside the head in a cartoon-like manner and saying "Shut up your mouth!"

Name and Location:

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Digression

Packers are the greatest team ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mark's reply:  Yes.  Yes, they are.

Name and Location:

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Digression

You're not going to pull a Fredo, are you?

Mark's reply:  There's no place for talk like that here.

Name and Location:

Brett

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Digression

The true test is tomorrow: We are watching GF 1, and she has never seen it.

Name and Location:

Brett/New Ulm

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Who needs illusion of love and affection when you're out walking in the streets with your mainline connection?

Mark's reply:  Rael certainly didn't and neither do I.

 

Digression

Dr. Love, you will always remain the master in my book. Now what's all this talk about a woman? Are you prescribing yourself some of your own medicine? Scott, the only reason I'm bringing Lori home for Thanksgiving is because she has nowhere else to go. I just hope I'm not forced to do the prayer. And let's not be too hasty; Thanksgiving is still over a month away. There's still plenty of time for her to break-up with me. By the way, it's steak night tonight. I'm going to read Billy Miller's editorial, "Crap! I Missed Steak Night!," to get in the mood.  (Read it here.)

Name and Location:

Scott/Work (where else?)

Email:

sehlke@wi.rr.com

Homepage:

www.homestarrunner.com (it's Dot Net)

Question for Mark:

If Buck is 'The Snow Dog', wouldn't your new dog have to be the enemy of Buck to be called By-Tor? That doesn't seem to be the kind of situation you'd like to foster in your dogs. And what the heck is are the Tobes of Hell anyway?

Mark's reply:  No.  I don't know, but is that where you got the name "Toby"?  Perhaps I should use the name "Geddy."  I'm watching the ALCS game and just saw a boy wrapping his head in plastic wrap...that's good thinking.

Digression

I think I've digressed quite a bit in my question already. However, I did wanted to point out that I am in fact NOT pregnant. My wife is pregnant. I know you probably don't have a lot of knowledge of how that whole process works, so I thought I might help clear it up for you and the others that are without woman. Can you believe Brett is actually brave enough to bring a woman home for Thansgiving?

Mark's reply:  I'll believe it when I see it.  I assumed the role of older, wiser, more cynical brother by telling him that she is probably with him now because he's different than other guys, but that soon enough she'll grow tired of him and dump him for no apparent reason and that he'll end up going temporarily (in)sane and drive to South Dakota and his car will break down and the only solace he'll find in the weeks following will be to get drunk at his brother's bachelor party.  Wait a minute...is Josh getting married?  

Name and Location:

Dr. Love / A Short Week

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Digression

Yes, I bought the pie scooper and spatula for her. She liked them. I am happy.

Mark's reply:  Then I am happy.  My advice is to watch out for her; teachers are crazy.

Name and Location:

Dr. Love / Hovering in the Stratosphere

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Mark's reply:  I fixed your spelling.  How can a poor-spelling high school English teacher get a girlfriend and I can't?  No, I'm not bitter.  Happy birthday.  Did you get the spatula and pie server?

Digression

Brett, Kudos on your "relationship," I hope it goes well. Although Mark is playing the part of cynic and pessimist, I know he's really happy for you. He has to be; what else could cover up layers upon layers of jealousy toward his more successful (you did have the privilege of attending the WLS Symposium) and better looking brother? At any rate, the student truly has become the master -- both to your brother, and, what is far more impressive, to me, Dr. Love. Well played, well played indeed. Respectfully submitted, Dr. Love

Name and Location:

Brett/New Ulm

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

How's Buck? I miss him.

Digression

I am the 687th visitor to Mark D.'s Daily Digressions. I'm tired.

Name and Location:

Ben Wink, Fond du Lac, WI

Email:

eminencefront@hotmail.com

Homepage:

www.thosefewvetsthatarestillundecidedaboutkerry.com

Question for Mark:

Mark, what is love?

Digression

Ah, hello to all of you out there in this nation of digression. I just wanted to point out that I was the 600th person that looked at Mark's digression area! It was me! I was also the 601st person because I backed up and went forward again just to watch the number change over. So, in your face! O' course Marky Mark hasn't digressed in about a month and frankly kids, I'm getting a little worried about him. Sure I know that the school year is in full swing and what teacher wouldn't be overcome with glee about that? Besides just about every teacher I've ever known or heard about, I mean. Nothing really new to speak about or even bring up in a snide aside. Kind of sad really. Just watched FahrenHYPE 9/11, which if you haven't heard is the reply to Michael Moore's film from the other side of the fence. Personally I think they should be sold together in a budget pack, but that's me. I mean if they can combine Police Academy and Vacation into a 2-pack, why not? If you watch both films back to back, which I recommend, you eventually get so numb to your surroundings you'll be praying for the 2nd Mutant Turtles sequel to pop into the DVD player. I have seen Moore's film and amazingly so many conservatives that I've talked have not. I am conservative, after all, look at how many polo shirts of the same color I own, and I decided to venture into enemy territory to see the flick. After telling some that I had seen it, they were outraged and angered with me to the point that they must've thought that I had funded it in some way or that I was so liberal I was committing partial-birth abortions on the front lawn while cars passed by in the morning. Frankly, I wanted to see this P.O.V. and therefore better equip my own opposing viewpoint towards it. Because if one is so passionate about something and then doesn't take the time to read, see, watch the other viewpoint that is being opposed, their opinions on the subject are useless and without merit. At least the person you're arguing with will think so. Besides, to use a tagline from The Last House On The Left: "Just Keep Telling Yourself...It's Only A Movie, It's Only A Movie, It's Only A Movie..." I have seen better organized propaganda films, Triumph Of The Will springs to mind. I have seen better political documentaries, The Trials Of Henry Kissinger comes to mind. The best form of protest in the entertainment world is to just walk away and ignore the source of controversy. Ratings slump, sponsorships dry up, cancellation occurs. What a better and more intelligent way to deal with these entertainment hiccups in the world than immediately getting a placard and walking in front of a theater in an endless circle of protestation therefore drawing more attention and revenue to the project. And I admit that the controversy lured me into buying a ticket, I know. But I took the chance, I walked into the theater, I watched someone that was amazing in film technique and manipulation and in that regard, I got what I paid for. Do I agree with his politics? Nope. No. Not a chance. But he can use film in a very powerful way. Reactions were provoked and attitudes were established. But golly people just can't stop talking about Michael Moore. And as this takes up valuable time where people could actually be talking about the issues, then I guess the goals of his film have been accomplished: people are talking about HIM. Toodles, Ben

Name and Location:

Nathan R. Ossmann, Kimberly, WI

Email:

ossmanns@yahoo.com

Homepage:

www.geocities.com/ossmanns

Question for Mark:

Why is "prog" rock so named? Quite frankly, I don't really recognize all that much artistic "progression" in my personal favorite prog bands such as Metallica, Lynrd Skynrd, and the Backstreet Boys. What gives?

Mark's reply: Thanks for the kind words below, first of all.  To answer your question, I happen to think that you may be a bit confused as to what constitutes a "progressive rock" band.  Although, after reading your relatively obscure reference to some of Brian Eno's work, I'm not so sure.  I really would like to write something funny, but I don't joke around when it comes to progressive rock.  I just can't do it.  Leave me alone!  "All you progressive hypocrites, handing out your trash.  It was mine in the first place, so I burned it to ash!"  By the way, for anyone reading this, The Musical Box (www.themusicalbox.net) is playing in Milwaukee on Oct. 20-21 at the Pabst Theater.  They're also playing in Chicago on the 22nd.  I, of course, am going to all three shows.  Then I can die.  They're recreating the Lamb Lies Down on Broadway tour.  I saw them for the Selling England tour...unbelievable!  Anyone who has any worth would want to see these guys.  If you don't go, it means you're ignorant.  If you do go and don't like it, it means you're both ignorant and stupid.  If you don't go because you don't want to go, it means that you're a completely worthless human being.  If you don't go, but want to go, but are bed-ridden with a terminal disease, you still don't have a very good excuse.  

Digression

So here I am, at the downtown Appleton, WI City Center mall mooching off their wireless Internet on my wife's new work laptop for the very first time, and, in a Yahoo! search for other "Appleton, WI wireless hotspots" I am met with the link to the website for the Copper Rock Coffee Company, 'webmastered' by yours truly, the one and only Mark D. Ehlke, formerly an acquaintance of mine--a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away. Delving deeper, I am further greeted (in a nod to unashamed and unabashed shameless self-promotion) with a link to the personal website of said Mr. Ehlke, who seems to have, if nothing else, an incredible amount of spare time on his hands. Good thing he's using it only to help the forces of good, which, in this case, is his life-long ongoing supremely noble cause of indoctrinating unsuspecting lesser mind forms (i.e. his students) to the love of what is known only to him as the "early days" of Genesis--well before Phil Collins left his talentless cohorts for his historic, glorious years of incubation at Disney, and only shortly before Peter Gabriel "hooked up" (whatever that means) with Brian Eno and made Music in an Airport Terminal, or something like that. Point is: I am tickled to be able to make a lasting contribution to this, the most immortal offshoot of the venerable MLC "Cabbage"-days, and trust that, as long as people continue to nod and smile politely every time Mark brings up the genius of King Crimson in polite conversation, he will not become too discouraged and creative enterprises such as this one will continue, for the benefit of all who care. Including me! Thanks Mark--I wish you the best!

Name and Location:

Nathan R. Ossmann, Kimberly, WI

Email:

ossmanns@yahoo.com

Homepage:

www.geocities.com/ossmanns

Question for Mark:

Why are so many MLC-ites doing so many different things with their lives--except teaching in WELS schools?

Mark's reply:  What are they doing?  Can we get some examples?  I personally don't see any reason why any WELS teachers would quit or go on to some other career?  I mean, I'm perfectly happy where I am right now--taking a 5 minute break to write this as my clock here in my classroom approaches midnight.  Plus, all this overtime is tax-free; I don't have to report any of it to the IRS.  Better get back to work now so I have plenty of time to coach girls basketball all weekend instead of going golfing or doing something non-school related.  Again, I can't see why anyone wouldn't want my job.

Digression

Name and Location:

Brett, New Ulm

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

When should I arrive on Saturday? Should I invite Jeff over for the game on Sunday?

Mark's reply:  Done and done.  Jeff Schone?

Digression

At least they buckled down after the first quarter, and only gave up 24 points in the next three. Ah, crap.

Name and Location:

Paul

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Why aren't you coaching the Packers D, or at least playing D-back?

Mark's reply:  It hurt not having Mike or Carrol.  Did you see the other guestbook lately?  Somebody's really got some balls to write what he/she did.

Digression

Stupid Packers defense

Name and Location:

Katie / Madison, WI

Email:

sotolar@wisc.edu

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Were you to have sex with a national landmark (American or Canadian, given that marrying it was legal and you'd done so), which would it be and why?

Mark's reply:  Well, I'm not really into the whole cross-cultural thing, so I suppose my inanimate friends to the north would be out.  As for Americans, is Rebecca Stamos considered a landmark?  I know that her husband is, especially after his stint on Full House...

Digression

My first digression...where to begin? A bit of background on myself, perhaps, would be a good jumping-off point. I'm currently a freshman at UW-Madison. In May, I graduated from MLHS in Manitowoc. It was during my sophomore year at MLHS that I met the then-titled "Mr." Ehlke who I referred to as the Ehlkster or Marky D.. We had a volatile relationship, struggling to retain control of the classroom. It was, however, a rivalry I greatly enjoyed. Marky D. and I had our ups (lively political debates in Government) and our downs (his crying fit in Religion, or when he banished me from Religion for insighting arguments); overall, though, my Ehlke-packed year was a highlight in an otherwise bleak high school career. So I suppose I just wanted to say thanks for making my sophomore year not entirely horrible. Also, I've greatly enjoyed following the digressions (both yours and those of your guests).

Name and Location:

Dr. Love/ Northwoods shanty

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Fine Mark (you big crybaby), How has your romance life been lately?

Digression

I

Name and Location:

Mom Ehlke

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

If you're the 2nd most atttractive, maybe Joy is the first!

Digression

Name and Location:

Brett, New Ulm

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Digression

Mark, A.J. Kruse and Freddie both say that you are the 2nd most attractive Ehlke. I guess that means Tom's number one.

Name and Location:

Brett Ehlke, New Ulm

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Digression

The night went really well. I made tacos at her place (kind of a risky move because I had never made tacos before), and then we watched a movie. We have another date this Saturday so I owe it all to you, Dr. Love.

Name and Location:

Dr. Love -- Springfield, ?

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

actually for Brett: How'd the other night go?

Mark's reply:  This forum is not for discussing my better-looking brother's romantic adventures.

Digression

Name and Location:

Brett, New Ulm

Email:

ehlkeba@hotmail.com

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

What kind of deodorant do you use?

Mark's reply:  Deodorant?

Digression

McKenzie is back.

Name and Location:

Paul Mattek, West Saint Paul, MN

Email:

you know it by now

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

When are you going to digress again? My life loses meaning every time I see the site bereft of new digressions.

Mark's reply:  I will try to digress this weekend.  Your life must be more pathetic than mine.

Digression

I am tired. I never noticed before that the submit button has an ! on it.

Name and Location:

Ben Wink, Fond du Lac, WI

Email:

eminencefront@hotmail.com

Homepage:

www.ahscrewit,Ican'tthinkofanythingfunny.com

Question for Mark:

Mark, what kind of fishing lure would you recommend for early spring? Is it better to use Crisco or Pam to grease up? And how are they when you use them for actual cooking?

Mark's reply:  I like the old spinner bait for the cool spring waters.  I only grease up a few things and lures ain't one of them.  I prefer butter.

Digression

Satan! Boy, you old son of a so-and-so! I knew that sooner or later you'd be making an appearance on these pages. Since Friends went off the air, I guess you're looking for a new project to executive produce now, eh? After all, of all people, you'd think that Beelzebub would need to digress once in a while, given his situation. I mean it doesn't seem all to promising for him does it? Good thing he's using his chance to digress on these pages. After all it must be rather boring listening to Hitler down in the hoary netherworld. "Sure 'Dolf. Sure, the Aryan section is just under construction right now. We'll be separating you soon enough. Man, don't you ever let up?" Ahahahah! Boy the kooky adventures that must happen in that eternal torment, being separated from the presence of God and all. Whew! Oh, and by the way, thanks for sticking it in there even though you know that your situation is pretty hopeless. What a model of stick-it-to-itiveness. By the by, I repelled your agents the last time we tussled. That's right, Sprint PCS won't get me again! HAH! So there O Horned One! And is it a dry heat down there? Then again, a humid hell would be even worse torment I'd think. Kind of like being stuck in Courtland, MN for a decade of Julys with no hope of getting out and the bars have all been closed. YIKES! All that's left on the store shelves is sparkling mineral water and salt licks. And no, dear reader I am not of the devil, but I would love to have his agent. He's responsible for so many careers as of late, that I'd be a shoo-in. I mean honestly: would Jet have even been let near a recording studio without the Dark One's help? "What we're looking for is a bunch of guys that look like Rolling Stones roadies from the Black and Blue '76 tour to get together and play an arrangement of Iggy Pop and the Stooges tunes. But where to find them...?" Look at Ashton Kutcher's popularity. Need I say more? That's all for now, but gosh it was good to talk to you, Mephistopheles! Won't be seeing you anytime soon. Bub-bye!

Name and Location:

Satan, Third ring of hell

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

When are you going to come visit...

Mark's reply:  I think the devil needs to work on his punctuation.

Digression

Dear poor pathetic human, I have seen the future and the past. The time is now for you to become what you know what you must be. Your soul is open to me, I can see your fear of life, you must accept the mantle of leadership for yourself. When next we speak you will not know me,but that didn't stop you before. You must take heed, their coming for me, I must leave, Fair thee well and see you soon.

Name and Location:

Paul Mattek, West Saint Paul, MN

Email:

pmattek@sclhs.org

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

How many presidents have you met?

Mark's reply:  About as many logically thinking girls as I've encountered.

Digression

You're answer to my last question was great, thanx.

Name and Location:

Ben Wink, Fond du Lac, WI

Email:

eminencefront@hotmail.com

Homepage:

www.crabfrostedflakes.com

Question for Mark:

Mark (optional), is it OK if I do this, even though I said I wouldn't in the future? Oh, and could you have a regular recipe page? Oh, and a pictures page with all of the beautiful women that want to date you like mad?

Mark's reply:  yes, no, yes, in no particular order.

Digression

Well hello and good morning to the lot of you! Of course it's Friday! Thank goodness for the weekend, eh? I can take two days off and do whatever I darn well want to do. Whew! Well, I needed the break. Thanks to all those that sent their birthday wishes to me. Much thanks indeed. I realize that chances are it was coerced and you fell into my little trap of supposed guilt. AHA! I still got it! Of course there were those that didn't say a thing and that's fine with me. I suppose. I mean it's not like I ask for much anyway. It's just a struggle some days to even get up to face the world. What's the point?! I mean each minute of each hour of each day I try to think of reasons why I shouldn't take the gas pipe, and some little shred of recognition would go a loooooong way, but noooooooo... My birth doesn't bring forth response, why should my horrendous self-inflicted and gruesome death by bludgeoning be any different? Oh and don't worry about the self-bludgeoning, I can manage just fine! It's not like any of you would help anyway. Darn spoilsports! Oh, and I can't take the gas pipe as the stove is electric, but never you mind that! But enough fun, last night I had the fortune to be with my father to witness the Milwaukee Brewers battle with the Chicago Cubs at Miller Park. Oh what sweet memories this brings! My years of playing in the backyard and then the t-ball and Little League play. Soon I was seen by a scout and played AA ball for a number of years before being called up to the bigs. And just then as I was gaining momentum, the war broke out and I was drafted. After three years of killing and bombing, I returned to the game that meant so much to me as a child. But after seeing people being ripped in half by mortar fire, their gory entrails splashing all over my rosy-cheeked countenance, I realized that this game, baseball, was more than just a game. It was a path. A way of life. That's right...a chance to make more money for doing relatively nothing in the light of the big picture of human existance!!! Wow. There are many things that are wrong in the above paragraph. All right, fine, I never played t-ball, I was naturally gifted and never needed to play it. Boy, you nitpicking muckrakers! My father called in to a Fond du Lac radio station and reserved two seats to the game. We would go down to Milwaukee on a rented coach bus, with plenty of food and drink, watch the game with food and drink, and then go home with drinks and more drinks. While this sounded ideal at the time, the buzz of the decision was soon fully harshed. I never thought that I'd say this, but why do these little kids have to go along? And by little I mean, that they're in their late teens, early 20s. I know I'm self-centered and I've tried to make others cope with it for years, but these people... I've seen a bus accident as a child in which someone was killed and it isn't pretty, but I prayed that we would somehow fly off the Golden Gate Bridge all because Lex Luthor was causing an earthquake. But nope we weren't in California. There was no earthquake. There was no Ned Beattian sidekick. We were in for a long haul with perfectly quiet and sociable older people and mere 21-22 year olds who must have just discovered the effects of alcohol mere seconds before boarding our bus. I've traveled betwixt Milwaukee and Fondy many times. I can usually make it in about 14 minutes. 16 if it is snowing. But this bus ride took eons. In dog years, I would be dead four times over by now, but that's true of almost every experience in dog years at my age now anyway. The Game: Alls I can say is NOMAHHHHH!!! Boy did Boston piss off the wrong guy. Yeah, I know the sordid tales of why he left there, but Boston fans kill every good thing that walks tall in their sports world. If it ain't Larry Bird, Ted Williams, or Bobby Orr, it is crap and removed from God's loving presence. Nomar managed to get three doubles, had some great fielding, and distracted Chicagoans from booing at Sammy Sosa for a bit. Oh and the Brewers? I remember the glory days of Robin Yount, Paul Molitor, Jim Ganter, Rollie Fingers, Darryl Hamilton, Dale Sveum, Rob Deer, Cecil Cooper, Chris Bosio, Cal Eldred, Bill Wegman, Don August, B.J. Surhoff, Charlie O'Brien, Glenn Braggs, Teddy Higuera, Juan Nieves, and Dan Plesac. If hopes are pinned on Geoff Jenkins and Ben Sheets, there's a better chance in calling back Greg Vaughn and Gary Sheffield and Dante Bichette before those those two do anything remarkable. Hell, I'd even settle for getting Hank Aaron back before doing anything else. And what are Sal Bando and Mike Hegan doing? Anything? The ride back consisted of everyone trying to sleep except the bus drunks who were playing various bar drinking games, namely The Name Game, in which one of the girls, who didn't like being called dumb but in fact...was, mentioned Brian Boitano as a Reverse name about 148 times. I counted. When she wasn't busy trying to remember Dorothy Hamill's name, eventually settling on calling her Dorothy Hamilton, she was drunkenly explaining how the drunken guy next to her was a real gentleman because he didn't try to stick his hand down her pants on the bus ride home. Ah, chivalry, thou art not vanquished! Meanwhile he was slurring that it wouldn't be right because she was dating, which meant that he certainly wasn't drunk enough yet. Oh to be there at that moment of regret, when it would happen. He was busy explaining his philosophy on women, which was brilliant and insightful for someone that wouldn't seem able to manage to get a second date with Mr. Hand if he wanted to. She of course hung on his every word and nodded right along with him, which showed tremendous interest and compassion and that she wanted that slobbering drunk hand down her pants ASAP. When we got off the bus, they were going to go up to Oshkosh and hit the bar scene there, which is a cry for help if I ever heard one. Of course given that their designated driver was designated prior to her drinking herself to the point of unconsciousness, I doubt very much that they could even walk to her car in the parking lot, let alone get in it and drive it to Oshkosh. My father afterwards began to regret having the ability to hear because if he were deaf he never would've heard the offer over the radio to go to the game in the first place. That pretty much sums up the evening for me. The point of this little story: the drunk behind me could've gotten some from any one of the drunken, semi-attractive lasses in the bus. I, the picture of sobriety, would've had difficulty even with that crop of booze hags and THEIR judgment is completely off. Oh, CURSED FATE! WHY DOST THOU MOCK MY COUNTENANCE?!?!?! Toodles, Ben P.S. NOMAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

Name and Location:

U. Herman Zweibel/ The Zweibel Mansion Bed Chamber

Email:

zweibel_luvs_u@yahoo.com

Homepage:

www.theonion.com

Question for Mark:

Who do you think you are?

Mark's reply:  It depends on what mind-altering drug(s) I happen to be on at the time.  Sometimes I think I'm 13th century Sufi poet Mevlana Rumi; other times I think I'm the good-looking guy on the OC...you know, the one who gets all the chicks.  But usually I think I'm just a pathetic loser who has no real purpose in life.  By the way, what does the "U" stand for?

Digression

You may be acquainted with my paramount exertion as the publisher emeritus of The Onion or in my day it was called The Mercantile Onion. Some of you naive Luther worshippers have thought that I was deceased and suffering in hell's flaming pit, but alas, you close-minded Germans, I am still here. My paper is still lively and prosperous. Our website is updated weekly, and for those of you rich WELS theologians we offer a premium website where some of our hard-working reporters maintain their own personal pages. The Onion’s news reports can be heard on the radio by you habitual Luther worshippers. However there was a time when I thought my beloved dream, wrapped in a weekly paper, was going to die. This was when editor Scott Dikkers retired from The Onion to go on to direct an award winning talking picture show entitled Spaceman. Although this motion picture received little to no attention in the conventional media, I stood behind Scott. I knew of one fan from Martin Luther's College that loved this "movie". That is why I have to ask this question: will this parody of a parody make a talkie? This fall my meek newspaper is set to embark on a mysterious expedition on the silver screen. I wonder how long it will take the people at The Cabbage to plagiarize this idea. A parody of a parody newspaper...now that is crazy.

Name and Location:

Aunt Kay/Couch

Email:

kaystess@charter.net

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

What does happen if you make espresso with Water Joe instead of plain water?

Mark's reply:  I'd have to know the milligrams of caffeine in Water Joe and in a basic cup of espresso.  I'm guessing it would be like having a double shot of espresso, assuming their caffeine levels are equivalent...but, wait...no, I would think that since espresso uses just a few ounces of water it would only add a little bit of caffeine.  Now if you would brew regular coffee using Water Joe then it would be like having a cup of coffee with a shot of espresso.  You should try that.  Perhaps I'll talk to Seth or Bill (they started a coffee shop) and get their expert opinion.  I have to say that this was the absolute best question I've ever been asked...and not just on this web page...the very best question in all my life.  Are you mixing pain pills with your Water Joe?  If you don't have any, I think Joy's got some good stuff.  Else Buck can hook you up with some anticonvulsants.  By the way, I heard from somebody that she heard that someone else heard that there were something like 38 broken ankles at Whistling Sprains as of Friday.

Digression

Don't have to use your minutes on me, Mark. My screws are tight now and I'm feeling much better.

Name and Location:

Joy Ehlke

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Do you have a list of the family's telephone numbers?

Mark's reply:  I don't have Kay's number.  I do have your number.  I just hope it's Kevin and Stephanie (who would have ever thought two Ehlke boys would have wives?) going home because Scott needs to play softball tonight.  Pain pills are good.  I'll call you later tonight; I am almost out of cell minutes right now and am waiting till the 19th when my bigger plan kicks in.

Digression

If you know you should be calling your mother, who is in trenendous pain, and your aunt, who also is in tremendouse pain, why don't you? I know for a fact both of them would love to hear from you. One of your brothers and his wife are even going home just to see that your mom is ok. (Well, ok, they're also going to a wedding.) If there are errors in this, don't mention them. I'm on heavy duty pain pills.

Name and Location:

Paul Mattek, West Saint Paul, MN

Email:

pmattek@sclhs.org

Homepage:

coming soon

Question for Mark:

How the heck do you teach english good?

Mark's reply:  Your supposed to capitolize "English", Paul.

Digression

At long last I'm back (I know you've missed me). This is I: the writer of the piece entitled "A Short Story by Paul Mattek," which has been posted on the site for many months now. I know you've all read it, and now await with eager anticipation for the next time pearls of wisdom flow from one portion of my brain to another, down nerves to my fingers, from keystroke to electronic encryption, through ethernet, T-1 lines, and cable, to an ISP (possibly many), back through wires - or air - to your computer, from the screen, and finally, to your optic nerves and brain; when and whence your endorphins fly. I just realized, again, how my writing never really reflects what I am thinking. I sit here, reading what I just wrote, and think, "Who am I trying to be, Ben Wink?" Do I really have a burning desire to attempt witticism after witticism in an attempt to impress (or distress) this site's readers? No way, I'd rather rip on Mark. See, there I go again. I have no desire to rip on Mark either (although there is so much SO MUCH that I could bring up. [When Mark stays at your house for a week having previously stayed awake for almost 48 consecutive hours, it makes for some rather hilarious situations.] There I go again; there was nothing hilarious about it at the time. Mark had a broken heart, a broken car, and the unfortunate foresight and intuition to know that his dog Buck would soon be having some medical trials. Having looked back at this entire digression, it is all crap. I was really just looking for something to take my mind off how I am not in any way ready for the upcoming schoool year. I am sorry for having wasted your time. By the way Mark, give me a call soon; I am leaving for Appleton tomorrow morning.

Name and Location:

Martin Luther

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Did you realize that you are the 3rd most popular Lutheran? (After me and Jesus)

Digression

I don't understand why more people don't use this digression page. If I knew English, I'd write something on here everyday. I'd call it Tablespeak or something like that.

Name and Location:

Mark

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

How do you get so many chicks?

Digression

okay, Brett

Name and Location:

Brett

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Digression

But I was writing in regards to your latest digression. Thus, I felt it would be fitting to post it on your website. However, I will comply with your wishes. Oh wait...

Name and Location:

Brett

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Digression

But I was writing in regards to your latest digression. Thus, I felt it would be fitting to post it on your website. However, I will comply with your wishes. Oh wait...

Name and Location:

Mark

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Digression

Brett, let's keep our private discussions on Dan's website.

Name and Location:

Brett

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Digression

No need to apologize, Mark.

Name and Location:

Ben Wink, Germantown, WI

Email:

eminencefront@hotmail.com

Homepage:

None, so back off you HOSERS!

Question for Mark:

Why is it that sometimes when we touch, the honesty's too much?

Digression

Well, digression fans, I just thought I'd come plowing in for what will be the last little nugget I shall leave on this pages. Frankly, I don't think anyone really reads this thing anymore and as Mark the founder of this particular venue has now exclaimed that he's found good in life, I've found that it'll be even lonelier here than before. So thanks to the four of your that have been reading whatever natterings and scribblings I've left here for the past months or years or decades or whatever. I'm sure that without your support, I never could've come up with whatever I came up with, poorly conceived and grammar butchering as it all was. Actually, I just wrote when I felt like it and the people who read this, if any, never really had any bearing but I just wanted to schmooze for a second or two. Well, I guess I'll be the cynic from now on and everyone else can just go on with their lives. In other words, if you didn't think so before, I'm the arsehole, don't worry. Hey as soon as something happens that makes life good for me, I'll let you know. But I couldn't write here because this is a digression area. Hmmm... I guess I'll take out an ad somewhere in the paper exclaiming that good was found. Don't fret. Before I go I just wanted to give a word concerning the now late yet still great Ray Charles. I know that Reagan died and that managed to take up most if not all of the media's attention. And if I really thought that the presidency really mattered all that much to national policy I would be more saddened, but Ray was a definite loss. Ray was an R&B, soul, and everything else legend. Brother Ray had a fantastic voice and incredible musical skills and will be sorely missed. I had the good fortune to see him two years ago in concert and was impressed and delighted. I wonder how I'll ever make it through life at times and see this black, blind, and eventually elderly and ill man give it all he's got and I'm inspired. He beat the odds and became a household name because of it. Incredible. Give it up for Brother Ray and take some time to listen to his amazing catalog of music. I guess that's it. Gotta fly. Bye.

Name and Location:

Ben Wink, Germantown, WI, United Arab Emirates

Email:

eminencefront@hotmail.com

Homepage:

www.donhenleyisgod.com

Question for Mark:

Mark? HELLOOOOO? MARK? Wake up, honey, and get your shoes on; we're at grandma's. When giving the finger to someone whilst driving should you also smile, give an angry look, or start making kissy faces? I'm just perplexed!

Mark's reply:  I try not to give the finger whilst driving; you never know who the recipient might be.

Digression

Well, the old adage is defintely true. If you're getting some, chances are you ain't writing, that's why I'm the only one who's putting stuff down in these pages, because yes dear reader, I ain't getting any. Now in the context of a Christian lifestyle, one should not want to "get any" after all this happens to cross that sixth commandment area quite blatantly. However, a little show of affection wouldn't hurt now would it? The last meaningful relationship I had was today at the drivethru at Culver's where I received a half-hearted smile from the girl working the window. I think she's playing apathetic to get, but I'll wear down her walls of resistance. Soon, I will get all the benefits of that relationship, what with all the free Pepsis and sundaes. My uncle says that women are like buses, there's always another one coming around the corner in twenty minutes. Of course, the last ladies he has dated always looked like they came from a bus station, so I guess I can understand where he gets the simile. They're like buses though? I guess it takes women up to four days to get from Green Bay to Madison and their rates are reasonable. I guess they have sticky floors, smelly bathrooms, and passengers with poor dental hygiene that always manage to sit next to you, breathing their halitosis-afflicted fumes all over you while they talk about the highlights from the Vikings '74 season. Maybe I'm taking the simile too far. "Fran Tarkenton was a great QB though...*hack*...*wheeze*..." Ewwww, ick. Of course this is Memorial Day weekend. Due to my never having been enlisted or drafted, a veteran or a deserter, I really don't know what to remember. I could remember the great war films I've seen, although I've recently watched The Dirty Dozen, The Great Escape, and Terms Of Endearment. Hmmm...this is perplexing. Maybe I'll remember my last almost girlfriend. Gosh, she was a darling. The way she owned that bar in Tibet and helped me fight Nazis in Egypt. The way she was wearing that white dress when she fell into the snake pit. The way she gunned those guys down from the cockpit of that flying wing that the Germans had...oh, wait that was Karen Allen in Raiders Of The Lost Ark. We never dated. Ever. Well them's the breaks, since she never responded to all those phones messages that I would leave for her. You know the ones where I would breathe heavy into the mouthpiece? So in memory of all the girls I've loved before, I have just those three little words for you. Those three little words of tenderness: Get Bent Now. Ah, memories.

Name and Location:

Ben Wink, Germantown, WI

Email:

eminencefront@hotmail.com

Homepage:

www.VanDammeFan.com

Question for Mark:

Mark. Dear friend. Do you think girls think less of a boy if he lets himself be kissed? I mean even though girls go out with boys like me, they usually marry the other kind.

Mark's reply:  I sure hope not.

Digression

Greetings to you all, "Why does the lofty and often rude and snotty Wink decide to come down from the mount now?" All right, all right, I manage to snatch your sarcasm up quickly. After all I use sarcasm on an almost hourly basis, excepting for the 14 hours a day I need for sleep and resting, so I can pick it up rather quickly. The bald-faced truth is that there's nothing new with me or nothing that's as big as other people's activities in comparison to mine. Every friend of mine is either married, getting married, thinking about getting married, or contemplating thinking about marrying, so there's nothing new on that angle with me. Other friends of mine have had recent bereavements or unexpected additions to what will be an instant family in a few months. But me? Nothing. So if you felt cheated by hearing nothing about me and my fantastic life, rest assured, dill pickles live a much more fascinating life than I do. At least they get to examine more mouths than I do in any case. On the synodical front things are increasingly bleak and joyless. Attendance at our schools is low. Missions are closing, as well as some schools too, I've heard. Tuition continues to go up. Synod still can't figure out how to do math. And once again, I don't have a call. It was Call Day again today and while I'm sure the two grads that did get staff calls are just aces, screw them, I've been sitting on the bench for a bit now, perchance now it's YOUR turn. Selfish? Egocentric? Snotty? Sure. I guess, but sorry. Can't help it at this point. "Well maybe that's what is preventing a call, your attitude!" Hey, I'm bright and rosy compared to some CALLED people that I've had teach me and I don't have a clue what they could be so bitchy about. Sheesh. There are people quitting teaching left and right in the church and I don't even get a chance to resign. That's unfairness. My father just jumped ship and joined the Church of the Lutheran Confession, or CLC. They broke off from WELS when WELS wouldn't break up with the Missouri Synod quick enough. When WELS finally did, the CLC people said they wouldn't get back together with WELS because WELS was, get this: too weak on fellowship issues! (Insert rimshot here) Wow, huh? So he just up and left. I heard they need a teacher for their middle grades at their school. Hmmmm...gosh, it's tempting. Reject the faith in a way to gain a paycheck? Not at all. If you think WELS is old school, CLC takes you back to the 1930's, as in 1,930 years before Christ. I think they don't even let their members cross the street with other citizens because it might be a show of fellowship. I believe standing up with others to sing the National Anthem at a ballgame might be considered a show of weakness with these people. I don't really expect anyone to really read this or even take the time to print it out to shred immediately. If you're so inclined, then terrific! It shows more effort than I have shown in the past year. Even my ploy of getting an article in synodical propoganda didn't get me any bites. The idea! Good thing that my artistic nature managed to take the money they sent me for the article in order to buy several hundred boxes of Bazooka Joe bubblegum, just so I could take the comic strips inside the wrapper and glue them together to form one big mural of joy. My guess was that some wouldn't call me because they considered that piece of writing a veiled chance to whine about my situation. Never, dear reader! There was nothing veiled about it: It Was Whining! On a grand scale. Just like this message. I realize that some of you here have bigger problems such as recent losses, recent gains either in wives, husbands, children, or all three, and such. Sorry to take this moment to just type natterings at around 2 in the morning. But I was bored and tired and disgusted and just trying to think of one more reason to bother sticking it out for one more stinking day on this planet when I realized that, yes, yes! The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly Special Edition DVD is coming out on Tuesday and I wouldn't want to miss that. But after that? Boy there better be something good for sale in June... That's all from the Land Of Misfit Trained Workers, Toodles

Name and Location:

Ben Wink, Germantown, WI

Email:

eminencefront@hotmail.com

Homepage:

www.estevez/sheenfan.com

Question for Mark:

Mark, how are you? No, really. How are you handling all this rain? How are you handling the times when it isn't raining? What do you think of the traffic problem? The marriage problem? What do you think of at night when you go to bed, you beast!

Mark's reply:  I'm fine.  I let the rain handle me.  I golf.  I avoid 45 during rush hour.  I'm not married.  I think of flowers and bunny rabbits.

Digression

Gosh, it's sure has been a while kids. When I was your age, I could remember people digressing from miles around. They'd get in their old Chevy pick-ups and go to the digression booth at the county fair, which was located right next to the 4H's doll house exhibit and the Port-O-Johns. Ah, those were happy days. But now people are content and have nothing but dewy mornings and wetter nights. There's no one who's a crotchety old coot anymore. 'Cept fer me. (Sound of chewed tobacco wad, clips the spitoon and hits the new white carpet) Shucks, ev'ryone's content but me. Well, if someone has to be the whiny stick in the mud pooping at the party, then it might as well be me. And now here are some random utterings placed in no particular order written in such a poor manner that the incredible verbose and symbolic prose of John Grisham seems competant in comparison. (Boy, he should write a legal thriller once in a while, eh? That would sure break up the monotony!) ---Call Day once again is almost upon us. Gotta admire the pluck of these students, heading off to a joyous or sinister end. Heck, might as well have a job fair on campus that week as well. Chances are it would take care of those that manage to get shucked off the reservation without employment or happiness. Anticlimaticism, that's the MLC way! ---Going over some old college yearbooks, trying to see if my tuition was well used, and did notice that there were some pretty looking lasses in and around the time I was on that campus. Boy, wish I would've gone outside once in a while to actually see them in person, as they look like nice people. Chances are they're all married to pastors by now, but they sure were lovely. Frickin' amalgamation...anyway... ---A friend of mine recently announced her pregnancy to me and several friends. Not that I had anything to do with it mind you, although it is out of wedlock in which the event took place. Let me tell you that it does certainly change the mood of a meal after hearing an announcement like that. I was halfway through a quesedilla when the bomb was dropped. Dumped half of it on my plate, the other half on the table and the other half on my lap. (I was eating one and a half of them at the time, I should've clarified.) I immediately claimed to be the father because I wanted to show my manilhood right away. She then destroyed that by saying there was noooooo way in blazes that I could've been the poppa. And if the meal was ruined before that announcement pretty much ruins what you've already eaten as well. ---Oh, and finally the studios have answered my letters and managed to get Mary Kate and Ashley their first theatrical release. Does Ashley even get burned that Mary Kate manages to always get top billing? It would be odd hearing Ashley and Mary Kate wouldn't it? Almost as odd as hearing Eric and Lyle Menendez instead of the other way around. Or was it the other way around in the first place? Is that humor still too beaten in trying to get the dead horse up again? Would you like to hear my Lorena Bobbit/Tanya Harding/Frank Gifford/O.J. joke? It's a hoot! If not, there's an Iran/Contra affair joke that goes like this... ---Well, dear readers, back into the deluge. Let their be dancing in the streets, drinking in the saloons, and necking in the parlor. Toodles!

Name and Location:

Ben Wink, Germantown, WI

Email:

eminencefront@hotmail.com

Homepage:

www.#1mariahfan.com

Question for Mark:

Mark, I know that wasn't a question silly. Sheesh, you kookster! But here's a question to make up for it: I was watching Slap Shot the other day and since they put some plot in between the savage beatings on the ice, is it then a chick flick? Wouldn't a guy flick just be 2 hours of blood on the rink and no plot to speak of?

Mark's reply:  No.  Slapshot is the Citizen Kane of hockey movies.  Paul Newman at his best.

Digression

Hidy-ho! Yep, I'm bored again. If this site was any more stagnant, we could actually confuse it with Fred Savage's career. Except that Mark wasn't on The Wonder Years. Well, only for two episodes. Anyway, I was watching COPS: Too HOT for TV! for the first time and probably only time. Why? Well, frankly aside from some wrinkly unattractive boob footage and a level of cursing that's akin to what you'd hear in a typical Lutheran dorm room, there's not much to it. I was led to believe that it was indeed too HOT for TV! and it was sorely lacking. I mean I expect that there would be at least one hot tub/prostitution bust, but no. Oh, and are there ever any attractive drunken women that get pulled over at least once? They all look like truck stop urinal scrubwomen with four teeth in various locations throughout the mouth that never had a good friend tell them, "Hey I think you could be happy with just one tattoo on your ankle and that's it. The dragon on your back would be too tacky." Or to make the description a tad simpler: they look like Denny's night managers. Think about it though, there's never a busload of Hawaiian Tropic suntan lotion models that have a mechanical problem in the middle of Podunk and must have police assistance to help with rubbing more lotion on during the crisis. Or if there is, the COPS crew is never with the luckiest cop in the world at that moment. More importantly, I'm never around to assist the officer in question doing my best to be a Good Samaritan. Hey, it's just the kind of noble person I am. So in regard to future COPS tapes, be advised, unless there's a higher echelon strip club bust, chances are it won't be all that much hotter for TV.

Name and Location:

Ben Wink, Germantown

Email:

eminencefront@hotmail.com

Homepage:

www.lutheransforOJ.com

Question for Mark:

Mark, Cher was never married to Sonny when he was an elected official. That happened later. She was married to him when he was a singing legend. You know, Sinatra, Martin, Torme', Sonny Bono: The Greats

Mark's reply:  That's not a question.  Don't forget Bizkit.

Digression

Well, I think I'll step out of my alcoholic stupor for just a second and utter some inane comments below. By now the visitor levels must be right around several billion, so I'd just like to say, "Hi." Speaking of billions served, the CEO of McDonald's died of a heart attack. There's some lame health food/"boy he didn't see that comin'" comment to be made here, but I decline. Do you honestly think that someone with that much moolah would eat at the dunghole he's the Corporate Exec. for? Nah. "Sure, I'm pulling in millions...but I like to save at the dollar menu. Jeeves, bring the car around through the drive-thru! I want a Big N' Tasty and I want it now!" - My brother and I thought that Norm Abrams should change his show to the Nude Yankee Workshop. "Heah's this 2 x 4 boahd and I'm gonna cut it with this heah moitre sah. Oh, and notice that this used cahffee can will be enough protection for my nutsack." PAHK THE CAH IN THE GAHDEN! Those Massachusetts guys! I love it when they're on COPS. Heah, pull ovah, you bahstahd! Anyway... - Well, now that everyone I know has found love but me, I've decided to officially hire myself out to people as a third or fifth wheel, depending on the group size. I can easily be entertaining at dinner and then skulk casually away while you two/four/six decide to get your tongues locked together in a moist merger of carnal desires fully realized. I mean, who'd want to participate in that, eh? Where's my new spray paint can I bought to huff? Does the buckshot work just as well as the slugs when going through bone? Just wondering. Oh, no reason. - And finally John Kerry. Able to relate to the common man. Can make jobs. Of course he's married to Heinz ketchup which has plants all over the United Sta...oh, wait, they don't. Hm. So that creating jobs thing must be something he's at least heard of, if he can't put it into practice. But he can relate to the common man...oh, wait. He just sold a $9 million villa in Italy? And it's one of about 8 houses and resorts his family owns? Hm. Well, how much more common could you get? I know my family's ski resort is shabby in comparsion, but we manage to have it, oh we don't have one. Sorry. - And finally Van Halen with Sammy is back and the cheapest seats are going for $70? Not bad for a band that hasn't done anything since '98 and nothing with Sammy since '96 and nothing musically relevant since roughly '81. That's balls the size of churchbells, my friends. And KISS is getting back together AGAIN! In makeup! WOW! That was sorta neat back in '96 kinda! Give it up!

Name and Location:

Ben Wink, Germantown, WI

Email:

eminencefront@hotmail.com

Homepage:

www.carpentersfanpage.com

Question for Mark:

Mark, Mark, Mark... Gosh, I've waited all my life to ask you a question and now the time has come and I'm drawing a complete blank. Ummm, is it true Cher had some ribs removed? Have you had some ribs removed, Mark?

Mark's reply: It's hard for me not to have respect for any person to have ever wed a late California Republican congressman, but I pull it off in regards to Cher.  I have never removed any of my ribs, although I have been asleep roughly a third of my life and a lot could have happened during those 8 years without my knowledge.  I see you haven't lost your bitterness below.

Digression

Hello everyone out there! Gosh, it certainly is great to be back to type missives about absolute drivel once again. I would comment about that Musical Box show, as I was there as well, but I shall refrain because I dared to go to the bathroom and didn't get a chance to see the entire show. I know, I know. I'm not the true fan of elaborate cover bands that I should be, but I really had to remove a whiz that was building up. And now, after coming back from a trip to AZ I would like to present something called "You'd Never Hear This!" regarding some of the states that were traversed through. In Iowa - "No, honey, I think we'll stay home this summer and not take the RV out." Illinois - "I'd better check to make sure that I don't try to clip someone with my impractical long-ass trailer before I make a lane change." Texas - "Nah, we don't need a gun. We're only going to the store!" Missouri - "Better get into the right lane, because the left lane is only for the faster traffic and I know my car doesn't belong over in this left lane for long!" And finally, New Mexico - "Boy, we sure get a lot of tourists here." Thank you, thank you! That's why I get paid the big bucks in bringing these dramatic insights to you! Thank you! Have a great Easter! Remember that when the Christ comes out of His tomb and sees His shadow that there will be six more weeks of...uh, nevermind. Too sacrilege. Not as bad as some Holy Week pick-up lines I once heard some degenerates talk about some time ago, but it could get that bad. Well, as sure as there are some district presidents manipulate the call system in the hopes of getting their relatives placed at the expense of others, I'll be sure to be back to talk to you later!

Name and Location:

M. Wink

Email:

allthatshewants@aceofbase.com

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

So I hear TMB does authentic shows from actual tours. Do they do shows from, say, the Trespass era? If so, wouldn't that be profoundly boring given the lack of material in 1970?

Mark's reply:  From what I remember, the earliest tour they do is Foxtrot, which would include stuff from Trespass, Nursery Chryme, and Foxtrot.  Genesis' earlier tours were usually with other groups.  And, no, it would not be profoundly boring.

Digression

Regarding audiences, Mark, I believe it was not just Genesis, but most of the so-called "prog-rock" groups that had audiences that were attentive and behaved. I know for a fact Frank Zappa did, at least before 1976, anyway. On "The Dub Room Special" video, there is excellent footage from when the Mothers played at the Roxy in L.A. in 1974, and when they pan out on the audience, they are all seated on the dance floor, mesmerized. You know, going to a concert to hear music. The same I imagine could be true of Yes, given that such a delicate piece of music as "Clap" from The Yes Album was recorded live and contains little to no crowd noise. Audiences then just apparently cared more about the music than the presentation then. Of course, I don't know that for sure, being 23 and even younger than you and therefore even more removed from that era. Of course, there were screaming girls at concerts, too. But they were at Bobby Sherman and David Cassidy shows. Now, screaming girls are everywhere (especially in my trunk). It has to do with the fact that now, more and more people go to concerts without the slightest clue about the music or even the band. They just think that concerts are basically just big dance clubs, where they can throw a few back, then make it with the cute guy/girl in the row ahead of you. Of course, the girl thing is a moot point, because sadly we all know that girls don't go to Yes, King Crimson, or TMB shows. Probably because you can't dance to those bands (unless you like to dance in 7/4 time to "Dance on a Volcano"...) People are idiots at modern concerts, and I guess we'll all have to live with it.

Name and Location:

M. Wink

Email:

Homepage:

www.tiesgentlystrangleamansspirit.com

Question for Mark:

Why aren't bunkers in golf like the bunkers in World War I? I mean, with puddles of muddy water, rats and lice, and stacks of dead soldiers. I think that would be more difficult of a "trap".

Mark's reply:  I think it's because Pete Dye doesn't appreciate history.

Digression

Why did I cut my hair? The answer is...umm...I really don't know exactly. It just sort of happened, that's all. No fanfare or anything. I still was unemployed, and had no offers or interviews set up, so I didn't do it for that. I just called up my wife and said today's the day, and she said...OK. Then, three hours later, it was gone. So a week after the cut, I get a callback from an emoployer looking for an H.R. person. I think my karma shot up 100 points for the haircut, because in the almost six months I was unemployed (and hairy) I didn't get one callback. Then, a week later, I get one that eventually hired me. Why did I cut my hair? I did it for the kicks, man!

Name and Location:

M. Wink

Email:

flimsyflapjack@ihop.org

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

What's a tie for? Is it decorative or functional clothing? If it is functional (which it's not), what function does it serve? If it's decorative, what is the point of wearing pointless adornments?

Mark's reply:  From my limited historical knowledge of neckwear, I believe the tie started out as a functional element during meals and, apparently with the advent of napkins, graduated (or was demoted) to a more decorative role.  Men would supposedly use their necktie to wipe their mouths during and after meals, but now I get weird looks when I do this with mine...hello!  a little sense of history would be nice, people!  Why did you cut your hair, Matt?  Don't give me crap about wearing neckties, you hypocritical bastard!  Oh, just so you could get some sweet action (from a woman this time)...men will do anything for sex with their wives.  Nice points below, by the way.  My comment about the Spain withdrawing their soldiers (insert Onanism joke here) was this:  If the plan to replace a country's troops is to use the Polish army, it probably wasn't much of a problem in the first place.   

Digression

So I saw some interesting recent developments in the whole 9/11 Bush whatnot. Apparently, Dick Clarke (not the Bloopers and Practical Jokes guy) says we should have known about 9/11 before it happened, and that he was, to use a Jurassic Park analogy, the Jeff Goldblum voice of reason character in the government, but no one listened to him. He's sorely missing the point. NO ONE saw 9/11 coming as a practical threat. Frankly, Clarke and the rest of the partisan Democrats are forgetting why 9/11 was so vivid. It was shocking and totally unexpected. And no one on 9/10 could have predicted what was about to happen the next day. He advocated killing Bin Laden before 9/11. The last two administrations also said that killing Bin Laden probably wouldn't have eliminated the threat. The chance of actually killing Bin Laden was only pegged at 20%. So stop blaming Clinton and Bush. If you want to assess blame, blame Bin Laden. He was the one who orchestrated the attacks. Even Joe Lieberman said that it is absurd to blame an president of unforseen terrorism. I've also heard that people accused Bush of trying to find a link between Saddam and Osama the day after the attacks. You're kidding yourself if you didn't think the attack had its origins somewhere in the middle east. And kids, who was our biggest enemy at the time in the middle east? Yup. Saddam. He was the first avenue we searched because he was the avenue down which we thought we were most likely to find an answer. Why should Saddam Hussein be given the benefit of the doubt in ANYTHING? Since when was he an "innocent man"? The interesting thing about this recent discussion is that all this "smokescreen" will do is sell more books for Dick Clarke and try to make people forget that John Kerry is running WITHOUT A PLATFORM. I know what you're thinkg, now ("What?!? This debate was started...by DEMOCRATS?!? But they're honest to the core! Just think of JFK! Wait, he slept with anyone who would shake a tailfeather in his general direction. What about FDR? Wait, he died at the home of his mistress WHILE IN OFFICE! Man, this is tougher than I thought...") The reason Joh Kerry is the Democratic nominee is because he has the best chance of beating Bush. That's it. He so far has not given any details whatsoever as to how he intends to practically accomplish all he says he will. He accuses Bush of negative ads...in his own negative ad. People, please don't be fooled. Is Bush perfect? Far from it. But John Kerry is not as interested in helping people as he is in being in power. And now Howard Dean is supporting Kerry? Weren't they at each other's throats three months ago? What gives? Partisan politics is what gives, pure and simple. The other thing I think needs some clarification here: THE GOVERNMENT IS TOO BIG FOR ONE MAN (I.E. THE PRESIDENT) TO CHANGE. The president can't control everything. Like, say, an extremely shaky, volatile economy he inherits. An economy that is destined to fall due to the natural cycle that has been in place since this country had an economy. Look. We're actually going through GROWTH right now. Remember the stock market during the Clinton administration (called the "good years" by many journalists who probably should know better)? It was over 10,000 points. After 9/11, it fell to around 7,500 points. Guess what? It's back up to 10,000 again. Jobs ARE growing. Housing starts ARE growing. According to several universities and the Wall Street Journal, all these economic indicators and more are going up. And naturally, if John Kerry gets elected, he'll take the credit for the great economy he inherited just like Bush takes the blame for the bad economy he inherited. I just wish people would look at the big picture once in a while. Take Spain for instance. Spain recently said it would pull all of its troops out of Iraq. BIG DEAL. The US has around 120,000 troops there right now. How many does Spain have? 1,300. And this news is taken as a "serious blow" to the Bush Iraq plan. WHY? Spain is being hopelessly hypocricical. The new head of Spain says he still wants terrorists gone from the world and friendly relations with the US on this subject. Really? Sorry Spain, you can't just want terrorism gone and expect people to believe you are sincere about it when you don't ante up your fair share of soldiers and supplies to pay for the fight. That would make you...France.

Name and Location:

Ben Wink, Germantown, WI

Email:

eminencefront@hotmail.com

Homepage:

www.beaarthurforpresident.com

Question for Mark:

Mark, can we get a petition going that would make "does the pope s*** in the woods?" the replacement of the positive response "yes" when asked a question?

Mark's reply:  No.

Digression

Dear all, how are you? Oh, I'm doing just fine. No, really. Thanks for asking. I think that my brethren Mr. M. Wink of the Grand Canyon State is right on many points. Let's even examine how far females have leapt or leaped in the world of rock music. Back then, women could only hope to be a Supreme or a Vandella and that was it. Of course it you were a white female it was even tougher. Gladys Knight led the revolution with getting MALE back-up singers! WHOA! Who else? Marianne Faithfull managed to get a career by sleeping with Mick Jagger and/or Keith Richards! It took a plucky bothersome lass with a shrieking voice to ruin the Beatles and none too soon. (Have you heard Let It Be? Yikes.) The band Heart should be the prime example of what you can do if you have sisters of varying sizes together on stage making psuedo-rock at every turn. Joni Mitchell, the Phoebe from "Friends" of her day, managed to set off a revolution! Of course this revolution was AGAINST her, but it was started. Janis Joplin drank more than most oil tanker captains AND had one or two songs that were screamed. Grace Slick of Jefferson Airplane/Jefferson Starship/Starship not only drank heavily but also slept with just about every member of her band and most members of others! Stevie Nicks wouldn't be able to be recognized unless there was a bottle of Wild Turkey near her. Let's doff our caps to these pioneering ladies of the stage because when it came right down to it, they managed to drink as well as the male rock stars and were able to make music that was just as crappy as their male counterparts. That IS equality as far as I'm concerned.

Name and Location:

M. Wink

Email:

bubblebathincident@keeptheswellingdown.com

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

So if King Crimson is in your opinion the second greatest band ever, who's #1? Is it Genesis? I really liked it when they did "Sussudio".

Mark's reply:  Genesis...Steve Hackett era.  Good points below about the Feminazi movement.

Digression

Hehe. A little "I think that's Genesis when that's really Phil Collins" humor. Moving on, what's up with the recent movement in American colleges towards "radical feminism"? I mean, when I was in college (Approximately 2 years ago now. Ah, the good 'ol days...), I was actually required to take a women's studies course. This course turned out to be a lot less fun than the title would suggest. In fact, I was absoultely stunned to learn that there's a "Women's Studies" major AND department! In the spirit of fairness, shouldn't there be a "Men's Studies" department, too? The basic reasoning behind women's studies is that men have no idea what it's like to be a woman, hence we should all learn about women to understand them a little more. Not a bad thought, but isn't the opposite also true? How could women possibly know what its like to be a man? So where's the equity? The argument is usually that since men have dominated everything over the course of history, every other course by default is about men. This is crap. Not all courses are about men. For example, take a look an an English book. There are WOMEN AUTHORS in it, like Emily Dickinson. The some is true of science. (Anyone ever heard of Madame Curie?) True, there aren't that many references yet, but with the course of time, that will change. The point is that women's studies is an area that intentionally excludes male authors and contributions in their textbooks. If everything else were REALLY all about men, shouldn't all the other books include ONLY men exclusively? They don't. It's biased, and in a way a form of retribution. The bottom line is that these courses should NOT be a requirement in modern universities, unless a "Men's Studies" section is also a requirement. Radical feminists seem to think that women deserve some sort of retribution for the oppression of the past. Not from me. I had nothing to do with it. It's not my fault. It's as ridiculous as a white person being forced to pay a black person $1000 for retribution for slavery. We didn't do it, our ancestors did. Sue them. There is also something disturbing going on here, and related to Mark's 03/10 thought of the day (about raising children). My wife wants to raise a family. She truly wants to stay home and be the "mom". When she was in college, she actually had feminists walk up to her and denounce her goals and dreams because "Men want you to think like that. Real women want a career.". WHAT? How dare you determine what she should and shouldn't want to do with her life! Like wanting to participate in your child's life somehow makes you "oppressed". I guess I've had many experiences with feminists, and so far not one of them has been good. And one more tidbit before I go. Feminism has now ceased to be a battle for equality and has transformed into a battle for superiority. Hmmmm. What's the belief that women are superior? Feminism. What's the belief that men are superior? Chauvinism. So why is it OK to be a feminist but not a chauvinist? Hmmm...

Name and Location:

Brett/Here

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

What's the use?

Digression

Mark, it appears as if you have mastered the semicolon. Congratulations.

Name and Location:

Chuckles McChucklevitch

Email:

sadbanana@clownsarentfunny.com

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Is the reason you haven't updated in a while because you had a peaceful, easy feeling one of these nights? Did you take it easy for the long run at the Hotel California? I was there once, but the witchy woman and her desperado ( who came to his senses) were already gone.

Mark's reply:  I have answered all questions and more in my digression page.  Thanks for playing.

Digression

One final thing about the Eagles. They were Linda Ronstadt's backup band. Really. So i don't want to ever hear how good they are ever again.

Name and Location:

Ben Wink, Germantown, WI

Email:

eminencefront@hotmail.com

Homepage:

www.jackanddiane.com

Question for Mark:

Mark, Mark, Mark? Do people often mistake you for the author of the gospel of the same name? I must admit I was starstruck until you said you didn't write it.

Digression

Mr. M. Wink, are we related? You sound familiar...nah, can't be. Anyway, as I was listening to my Steve Miller Greatest Hits album I came across your tirade and was stunned! Are you saying that the great artists you mentioned as well as artists like the aforementioned Steve Miller, Molly Hatchet, Journey, Styx, REO Speedwagon, Boston, Kansas, Jethro Tull, and the rest are all undeserving to be on the classic rock eternal rotation list? I've actually heard those wonderful fans call in to request Hotel California because it wasn't on the air for at least 15 minutes already. And your remarks about Stevie Nicks were just shocking! You didn't mention that between her and Lindsey, she managed to get the manlier name. Spooky isn't it? Oh, and John Mellencamp, Indiana's favorite, can serve a purpose. I can use him to explain the Trinity. John Mellencamp, John Cougar, and John Cougar Mellencamp are all three different, yet at the same time are all one! No, it's true! They are all equal, yet have vastly different duties. If you ever have problems dealing with someone who cannot grasp the three-in-one as equals who are different doctrine of the Trinity, feel free to use that explanation. Well, back to grabbing some Allman Brothers to pop in after my George Thorogood and the Destroyers Greatest Hits gets over with. "Bad to the Bone", eh? That should be in a movie sometime...

Name and Location:

M. Wink

Email:

thosearentmypants@hoof_arted.com

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Who's your favorite: Emerson, Lake, or Palmer? And why?

Digression

Why are there so many Eagles songs on the radio? Or Bob Seger? Or Fleetwood Mac? WHY? For those of you wondering "Hey, haven't we heard enough of the Doobie Brothers too?", you're absolutely darned tootin' right. My main concern is simply this. When played on the radio, no one has EVER said "OOOHHH! The Eagles!!! Turn it WWWWAAAAAYYYY up, man!!! ALL RIGHT!!!". The reaction is more like "Oh, the Eagles. The rock band for people who don't like rock music. I guess the radio station had three minutes to fill, huh?" And you could insert a lot of bands into that sentence. The Doobie Brothers. Bob Seger. Most Skynyrd. Fleetwood Mac. Stevie Nicks. By the way, about Fleetwood Mac. Not that original, not that good. Quick synopsis of every Fleetwood Mac song: Drums on 1 and 3, Bass on 2 and 4. This created a lewd pulsating effect that was the real reason all these songs were written. Lindsay Buckingham plays riff about as tough as his name. Christine McVie plays keyboard part that's impossible to hear in mix, therefore pointless. Stevie Nicks wears flowing scarves and sings about odd, non-threatening witches/gypsies. They repeat this for a full album. And Stevie Nicks. Stevie. She goes through life looking like Steven Tyler's mike stand, a fate we can all agree is one we wouldn't sentence a serial killer to. It's not that cruel, just WAY to unusual. In particular, Stevie's "Edge of Seventeen" is some ditty, huh? That's the one that goes "Just like a white winged dove, makes a sound sounds like she's singin'...". This song is pretty good, but it could use a hook or something. Something singable. And singable for like 8 minutes straight. That could never get boring, could it? Bob Seger. Just go back to the bar. Really. It's not funny anymore. And finally, rock's version of The Teletubbies, Jimmy Buffett. Jimmy. Novelty songs don't even work for Weird Al amymore. You can't be on vacation all the time. YOU lost the salt, so stop whining about it. And you're not a pirate. You never were. All Jimmy Buffett is is an off-the-wall songwriter that appeals to the "I really like music 'cause I have every Seals and Crofts album and I really dig John Mellencamp" type of person. He's the guy that these dorks point to and say they like because he's just so zany. These people also liked Full House because of the complex issues and deep moral and philosophical subtext to the subtle-but-defined relationship between D.J. and Kimmie. I guess my whole point is that I wish that radio stations would realize how sick we are of these bands, and pull 'em from the playlist. And replace them with nothing but Alan Parsons Project album cuts. All day, every day.

Name and Location:

Ben Wink, Germantown, WI

Email:

eminencefront@hotmail.com

Homepage:

www.whywearpants.com

Question for Mark:

Mark, if you park in a driveway and drive on a parkway, why can't people who bring this hackneyed bit up just remove their own tongues to save me the trouble?

Digression

Hello to the kajillions of people reading these words right now. Just think, somewhere in Kansas a guy is reading this and wondering "Should I be doing something else, like cheer Ashley Judd at Jayhawks games or move to an even flatter state?" Or there's a guy in The Netherlands reading this thinking thoughts in Dutchese that go like this "Why refresh this site? I am high as a kite everyday, it always looks good and seems funny to me! WHOOOO!!!" Mark, hasn't digressed since the end of January, the last day of that firm first month in fact. Are you all saddened by this? I know that I am. Well, slightly saddened. Frankly, I've found the will to get on in life and it doesn't bother me that much anymore, if at all. Sorry for bringing it up. As for me, I got way to caught up rewatching M*A*S*H reruns to even bother writing anything on this site. Just think of all those freckle-faced German kids at MLC that demand to be entertained by this site and yet...nothing. Too bad for them. But after all, most of their time will be spent studying or student teaching, so they're far too busy to read this horseschtuff. After May, chances are they'll have plenty of time to read this and update it because they won't be getting called, so that's a bonus methinks. Finally, I should like to make some Oscar predictions. For Best Picture I would like to see...oh, wait. They happened already. It's over. It's done. Why even bring them up? Those mediocre inside industry awards! And we watch them being handed out even though we really don't have a say in who gets what at all, nevermind who's actually deserving. Just studio people (brownnoses) picking left and right and the awards are given to a bunch of suck ups who sucked down a couple of times. THOSE SONS OF....ahem. Nevermind. You're right, I'm wrong. I'll step aside. After all Hitchcock and Kubrick and Scorsese probably never did anything to deserve one. And Bill Murray is a terrible actor. And Chevy Chase should've gotten one for Fletch or Fletch Lives, but this dang Academy...I'll stop.

Name and Location:

Mr. Wurster

Email:

Homepage:

http://www.rareexception.com/Garden/Floyd/Floyd.php

Question for Mark:

What?

Mark's reply:  I don't know.  Thanks for your digression, though; I really enjoyed it.

Digression

Last night proved to be an interesting night in my sleepy little manor in the exuberant city of New Ulm. My neighbors knocked on my door around 8PM and asked if I had smelled any gas. After checking everything out in my abode I decided it was all in their pretty little feminine heads. I go to bed and after an hour or so my roommate knocks on my door and enters. He says, "The cops are here. We have to leave." What is going on? Panic set in as I fumble around in the dark looking for clothes appropriate for standing around outside. The police officer told us that our neighbors reported a gas leak and we had to wait until the Public Utilities showed up to check everything out. Half-hour later the guy shows up and goes inside. After an inspection he says that everything is fine. I then ask, "When I came out of my house there was a peculiar odor. Any clue as to what that is?" He told me it was sewer gas leaking through a drain in my neighbors' apartment. We all went back inside and the odor was even stronger. The utilities guy cleaned out their drain and in doing so released even more gas from the sewers. He took the girls downstairs to explain what was wrong. My roommate and I wanted to hear it as well so we went down too. He was going on and on about the sewer system until one of the girls asked, "Is it still safe to dump grease down there?" I was floored and then another of the neighbors says, "Well maybe we shouldn't do our beer bong there anymore." I will let you, the reader, ponder these two statements. Well after everything settled down my roommate and I held an impromptu Wes Anderson film fest. We watched his three movies. I am looking forward to his next movie called The Life Aquatic. Today during my first hour class I somewhat executed revenge on my neighbors. I was telling my tale to a student and he responds by asking, "Are your neighbors hot?" I tried to say something like that we shouldn't judge the outward appearance. However, I didn't say this at all. I said, "I try not to jugs them." I think I am a believer in Freud. Too bad my entire class heard that. Hey, this weekend is Bock Fest in New Ulm. You go to the brewery and pay $5 to get in and you are entitled to free beer and free brats. Can't believe I never exploited that during college. I can’t wait. It also happens to be my birthday, even more reason for celebrating. I don’t have school on Friday and when my students found out my birthday was this weekend they asked what I was giving them for a birthday treat. I said that my gift was that we wouldn’t have class on Friday. They all got excited. They then asked what we would do and what they should bring and I just laughed. It took them almost the entire period to figure out that we didn’t have school on Friday. Kids are so naive. With that…have a good weekend.

Name and Location:

Ben Wink, Germantown, WI

Email:

eminencefront@hotmail.com

Homepage:

www.beverlyhills90210fan.com

Question for Mark:

Mark, I asked if it was as warm in the country as it was in the summer. The word city was placed there by you as a mental exercise I guess. You see my question is actually quite inanswerable. Unanswerable? CONanswerable. DISanswerable. Nuts.

Mark's reply:  Oh.

Digression

Name and Location:

Brett/New Ulm

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Do you like "Band of Brothers?"

Mark's reply:  I really liked the character development in the first episode; in fact, I was really excited to have finally another movie-like series to watch, but then it increasingly became just another Saving Private Ryanesque action show--a darn good one, but just action nonetheless.  So I think I only got to the 5th or 6th episode and gave up.  

Digression

After a long day of classes yesterday, I decided to enjoy a refreshing Coca-Cola. I drank about half of it, and then I set the can on my desk. I soon found myself occupied with other things, and I forgot about the Coke. About thirty minutes after that, I saw the can and was about to throw it away. However, as soon as I picked it up, I realized I still had some beverage left. What a wonderful feeling! Everything's turning up Milhouse!

Name and Location:

Ben Wink, Soulsville, Baby

Email:

eminencefront@hotmail.com

Homepage:

www.whatchoolookinat.com

Question for Mark:

Mark, is it as warm in the summer as it is in the country?

Mark's reply:  Well, Benjamin, that all depends whether or not you take into account the so-called "urban heat island" effect.  Due to the increased presence of concrete (which, of course has a higher specific heat than soil, vegetation, and cows, and, therefore, will continue to conduct heat long after the sun has dusked; whereas, soil and vegetation will only embark on evaporative cooling) and also dark building materials (such as siding and roofs), cities often are measurably warmer than the surrounding countryside, especially during the nighttime hours.  One might also argue that so-called "waste heat" from air conditioners and other urban-related machinery such as automobiles greatly contribute to the increase of temperature.  If you don't take the urban heat island effect into account, then I'd have to say no, no it isn't.

Digression

I feel now is as good a time as any for me to say something that has been burning within me. Now that I have a soapbox of sorts, I feel that my reading audience will give me the strength I need after I say this earth shattering statement. I’m coming out of my race’s closet and say just this: I like, no make that love, the film Shaft. I proudly own this 1971 classic in both the VHS and DVD formats. I even went out and grabbed up the two sequels, 1972’s Shaft’s Big Score! and 1973’s Shaft In Africa. I am listening to the soundtrack by Isaac Hayes as I write this. I’m always on the lookout for getting a really sweet Shaft movie poster from any of the trilogy. There I said it. Whew! Thank you all for your support. I know that my Caucasiananity prohibited me in many ways to say the above. Through tremendous willpower and prayer, I have come through on the other side and truthfully, I feel great! (I would just like to take a moment to say that I am not a fan of the Samuel L. Jackson remake from 2000. Hey, I love his work and he brings an air of class in every project he’s involved with. Loaded Weapon 1 might be that rare exception. Anyway, compared to Richard Roundtree, Mr. Jackson just falls short. I was one of the rare white people against a Shaft remake, mainly because the others weren’t paying attention because they were standing in line trying to get to watch the very limited Josh Hartnett fight off the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor single-handedly.) How did this passion for this film come about? In that wackiest way possible, by catching a reference on Mystery Science Theater 3000, where else? They quoted part of the lyrics from the “Theme From Shaft” and right when the phrase “They say this cat Shaft is a baaaaad mutha…. Shut your mouth! Only talking ‘bout Shaft! And we can dig it!” was said, something clicked. I had to know more about this “cat” Shaft, John Shaft, and decided to investigate. After all, I had used this phrase several times to share a laugh with my brother, but we never really knew the reference. Time to change that! Next I located a CD my parents had ordered several years ago called “Instrumental Magic” or some such nonsense. Amongst a poorly done remake of the main title from The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly and that favorite of Light FM radio, the theme from Hill Street Blues, was the Isaac Hayes theme from Shaft! I heard the words about this man that would risk his neck for his brother man and how he was so complicated that no one could understand him but his woman and I was intrigued. I wondered if I could dig it…or would I cop out when danger was all about? Of course my stodgy family would never rent Shaft or any of the sequels. Oh, sure I could rent all of the Friday the 13ths but I couldn’t snag the adventures of that private dick who’s the sex machine with all the chicks. I was constantly stymied. I guess my parents were worried that I might one day call them “jive ass turkeys” and they would mourn the son they lost. Soon I paused in my quest because other things distracted me; minor things like high school graduation and taking off for college. College! I was free to explore life all on my own. Well as much as one can explore by going to stiff ministerial college in the middle of Cornpone, Minnesota where you can count the students of color on three fingers if you count one of them twice. I began to honestly believe that the reason most other ethnic groups don’t live in the northern part of Wisconsin and Minnesota was because white people were just too stupid to live anywhere else. Whenever I see any other racial groups around these parts, I want to go up to them and say, “Why are you here? Don’t you get it? We Caucasians are just too dumb to live only in warmer areas. Get out now, while you can.” Fortunately, the local grocery store had a fairly large assortment of videos to rent and the price was a buck per tape. Now for those of you who might not know this: tapes were what people way back in the 1980’s and 1990’s used to watch movies on. The tape was inside of a plastic case and was inserted into this machine called a VCR (Video Cassette Recorder). We could then watch the movies on a low-grade, fragile, non-digital format and that’s the way we liked it! Anyway, a group of my friends, led by me, decided to rent a copy of Shaft. We examined row after row and soon I found it! There in all its untapped glory! Think about it: the tape is sitting on a grocery store shelf in Minnesota. The only time people showing any type of color are those that are red coming inside from the cold or blue from dying outside in it. I snatched it up, paid my dollar, and we all flew back to the dorm. I was bursting with anticipation. A friend of mine had a VCR and with him, his brother, his roommate, and several others, I watched the film. Now could there be a more unhip scene than this? A bunch of pale white teens sitting around a small TV in almost covert circumstances, watching a film that depicts a slice of a culture we know nothing about. I had the only leg up because I heard the theme song, but admittedly that’s not much of a foothold. For most of the students, having anything from the black culture meant owning a Hendrix greatest hits CD or pathetically rapping along with some group they only knew because of heavy rotation on MTV. That was it. Even the music majors dared not own any of that jazz that dared to have black artists! Can you imagine black people having anything to do with jazz? Ludicrous! Miles Davis and John Coltrane were just too “out there” for their tastes. Mention Herbie Hancock and they just break out in a cold sweat. So what we were doing, given our campus situation, was rather daring and extraordinary. This first chapter in the filmed exploits of detective John Shaft was amazing. The music stands alone in its brilliance of course. The extremely realistic almost documentary style filmmaking was great. A cameo appearance by Antonio Fargas, otherwise known as Huggy Bear on Starsky and Hutch was a welcome surprise. We were even shocked when we recognized the lines that Rob Zombie had taken and placed in a couple of songs. Ultimately three things came out and stuck in my mind. First off, the storyline although flimsy is just fine. The Mafia is threatening a black mob boss’s territory. They kidnap his innocent daughter. He hires Shaft to find her and get her back. That’s the really simple version, admittedly, but the plot is only an excuse for the great atmosphere. And the street life was right there on the screen for all to see. For the white suburbanites, eyes normally reserved for video games were opened to a much bigger canvas. Secondly, Richard Roundtree, whether he likes to admit it now or not, found his signature role. Three movies, a TV series, and a cameo in the remake have all solidified him in the public’s eye as John Shaft, private dick/sex machine. Truthfully, there are a lot worse things a person could be typecast as, just look at Dustin Diamond, so Mr. Roundtree should be justly proud to be remembered as such as strong character that sets a fantastic example for not just a black audience, but a white one too. (Boy, I’m really coming out of my closet with this, aren’t I? Gee, I hope my white brethren still allow me to buy Sinatra records when this is all done.) Finally, the dialogue is fantastic. Imagine Shaft saying lines like: “I got to feelin’ like a machine and that ain’t no way to feel. C’mere baby.” “Don’t let your mouth get your ass in trouble.” “Why don’t you stop playin’ with yourself Willy? You ain’t gonna do s***!” Okay, now that’s the easy part. Now imagine a bunch of white teens on a ministerial campus entertaining each other by saying lines like this for months, even years, afterward. It does stand out; that’s for sure. Especially when you get asked, “Hey where’re you goin’?” and your reply is, “To get laid! Where the hell you goin’? HAHAHAHAHAH!!!” (Trying to get that Roundtree bravado mixed with his hearty, almost pirate-like laugh is the toughest. Think I’m lying? You try it! If you can pull that off, here’s something even tougher: go to an inner city Best Buy store and just buy Shaft In Africa. Hold it brazenly in line, realizing you’re probably the only white guy in the store. Think you can do it? I did! Culture gaps were bridged that day I tell you. Oh, and do it in a nice sportcoat, khaki pants, and a smart tie. Wow, the looks you get…) So the closet door is open. The cultural flood has gushed out from me. I own the Isley Brothers and Sam and Dave. I think of Ray Charles as “Brother Ray”. I love Pam Grier. And I love the Shaft trilogy. The two sequels are definitely a slight step below, but at least Shaft In Africa has that cool Four Tops song. Anyway, I am now exposed and have come out. What can I say in closing? How about: “Close it yourself, S***TY! HAHAHAHAHAHAH!”? I can dig it!

Name and Location:

Brett/New Ulm

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Digression

Mark, I think you have surpassed me in the most up-beat digression race.

Name and Location:

Mom

Email:

ehlkejoy@hotmail.com

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Why can't there be a web site for the Ehlkes?

Mark's reply:  It's because we don't have any nerds from our family who went to MSOE like Greg Mattek...oh wait a minute.  We could get one I suppose...if it's made by me, it certainly wouldn't happen until this summer.  "may years"?  End of critique.  Now I could have been the good son and just fixed that typo for my beloved mother, but that would have been journalistically dishonest.  or something.

Digression

I don't digress well. So I'll pass on this, except to say how wonderful it was to see our entire family joyful about Grandpa going to heaven. Everyone knew how may years he served his Lord, and how he encouraged the whole family to do so. How can anyone survive a loved one's death without knowing they are in heaven? Now I will let Mark critique my digression.

Name and Location:

Paul

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Digression

Good digression Mark. Good insight. Emotions are not a end in themself, they are a necessary means for self-discovery - especially for the Christian (despite what some dogmaticians say). I'm in Mequon now, where will I be tomorrow?

Mark's reply: Getting hammered at a Sem party?...at least that's what I think you told me.

Name and Location:

MW (performing as...Fred Schneider)

Email:

mcsimonmilligan@yahoo.com

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

So is Todd Rundgren a skinnier version of Kevin Sorbo, or is Kevin Sorbo a beefed up version of Todd Rundgren?

Mark's reply:  I never saw the resemblance till now...thanks for pointing that out.  I suppose I would have to see them wearing the same dress before making a final conclusion.  My question for you, MW:  What's with the tennis thing below?  Do you have the Australian Open fever or are you just pointing out pairs of people who vaguely resemble each other?

Digression

I'll admit it. I've never been into competition tennis. I can't put my finger on why that is, though. Actually, I think it's because I'm slightly disturbed by the resemblance of Pete Sampras and Paul Mildebrandt. Admittedly, the resemblance is hazy, but you must remember that I slept with Paul. On a side note I'd like to petition that Fred Schneider is the best thing to ever come from Athens, Georgia.

Name and Location:

Kirsten/MLC

Email:

maidenkirsten@yahoo.com

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Digression

I appreciated your digression from the 25th. I am sorry to say that I have never read your page before. But for some reason, I was compelled to go to the Cabbage… oh yeah, The Knight’s Page came out today. Anyways, my sister called me as I was reading your digression from the 25th. She told me that a classmate died today because of the snow. She blamed the school for her friend’s death saying that it should have called for a snow day. I then read your digression to her and prayed with her. Well, that is all for now, folks. Thank you for your latest digression. God bless your teaching! Kirsten

Name and Location:

Brett, New Ulm

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

How's buck?

Mark's reply:  He's doing well.  I must say that you're in the running for the most up-beat digression so far.

Digression

Ladies and gentlemen, I am no longer a teenager. Yep, the big two zero. Let me tell you something though. This 20th birthday has caused me to examine my life, and I've come to the conclusion that I've wasted it so far. I think it's odd how much praise and admiration a person receives on his or her birthday. "Congratulations! You haven't died yet! That's quite an accomplishment." Now I can understand that for people much older than I. However, the fact that I'm twenty shouldn't warrant any praise...especially because I haven't accomplished anything with my life. That's all I have.

Name and Location:

Paul

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Digression

I'm in New York Now. Where will I be tomorrow?

Mark's reply: Jersey?

Name and Location:

Former Students

Email:

Don't contact us; we'll contact you.

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Is sexual immortality still causing problems? Yes, immortality.

Mark's reply:  "still causing problems"?  This is like "Have you stopped beating your wife?"  I would think it isn't causing me problems, although I'm not sure what immortality of that sort would mean exactly...not that I would have any use for it in my perpetually single state.  If I do have that sort of immortality, I would think the individuals sending me multiple emails a day teasing me with magic, everlasting pills are doing so in vain.  I suppose my most pressing concern would be this:  Former students of what?  The proper use of the semicolon would lead me to believe you are at least past the seventh grade; however, your use of "i.e." creates serious doubt.  Interesting posting, nonetheless.  (fragment)  I'll keep one eye open for the digital photos.

Digression

Prepare thyself to be stalked. You shall receive indications as to the identity and whereabouts of said stalkers, ie. digital photographs, in due time that you will need to decipher in order to attain more information. And thus it begins...

Name and Location:

Ben Wink, Germantown, WI

Email:

eminencefront@hotmail.com

Homepage:

www.net.org.edu.www.com

Question for Mark:

Mark, how come Dolly Madison snack cakes don't taste like Dolly Madison?! I was shocked and outraged!

Mark's reply:  (none)

Digression

Greetings to the millions of you out there who are reading my words. Since the host of this fine website/digression area/cover-up site for some explicit and rather dirty webpages is not digressing or regressing or addressing or redressing or anything, I thought that I would throw some words out there for you, the reader. The reader who obviously has let having a life fall through the cracks in the sidewalk of existence, because you're reading this drivel. And the same could go for me, as I am writing this drivel, however, I shall never let it happen to me for my life is one of adventure, intrigue, and overall laxity and procrastination. Once again the holidays are upon us. That wacky season in which we try to forget that child in a manger to try and get little Bobby the newest, dumbest Sponge Bob creation. Not that Sponge Bob alone is to blame for the neglect of Jesus at this time of year. (The new Sponge Bob Square Pants Underwater Action Nativity Scene is just DARLING!) In any case, I should hope that most of you remembered to send off your Christmas cards to those that didn't send you one in order to guilt them into sending you one. As I was waking this morning at around 11:35 AM, I heard the familiar sounds of people in the apartment next to mine engaging in that most festive of traditions: swearing at each other loudly. Ah, Christmas. For all I know it must be a new holiday hymn, but I couldn't tell due to my new strict adherence to letting people have their privacy and that the glass I held to the wall wasn't big enough. (I did say NEW adherence.) So enjoy this wonderous wonderful time of wonders where despite all the good will that you project in the world this time of year can all result in you giving the finger to some guy who pulled out in front of you in the Target parking lot. FELIZ NAVIDAD! FROHE WEINACHTEN! AND THE MOST JOYOUS YULETIDE TO YOU ALL! (See, I capitalized it, to show my deep sincerity in my expression.)

Name and Location:

Pablo

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Digression

Life is rough. About this there is no question. Those who think we will create a utopia on this earth have only to look at the many failed utopias of the past--especially the failed attempts by the first white folk to set foot on this continent. Is there anywhere a land of opportunity, the land of equality, the land of freedom? Who has attained this. Certainly not the poor. Trips to Carmel and the Hamptons are an absurdity for the penniless. Certainly not the middle class. They have a burden to bear that no one wants -- the daily grind, monotony (no offense to the coffee house). And then there are the rich. The rich can become quite delusional thinking they have it made, and in a sense they do. But they too have burdens. Everyone hates them, and they in turn learn to despise those who are not rich. I am amazed and thankful when someone with money ignores this hate, suppresses any thought of superiority and realizes that their money is best used on other people. But back to my original point. If anyone thinks that they have solved everything ask them why their relatives die, why there is still crime, why depresseion is rampant, why there is anything bad. When they say that "we will progress soon to a point where we will solve these things," tell that person that we haven't yet and he's better get his ass back to work if he wants to continue to try to save himself from the nothingness that is his life of pursuing after these things will be when he dies. Anyone who thinks that we are the all in all in absolutely nuts. Anyone who thinks that there is no powerful evil should look at or live in poverty, should see the effects of doing a thankless job for 40 years, should know what it is to be hated. The world will never create any utopia, but there will be a utopia--and the world will never see it.

Name and Location:

Ben Wink, currently in Oklahoma, through no fault of my own

Email:

eminencefront@hotmail.com

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Mark, why do Texans call stuff "Texas-Sized" in their own state? Shouldn't that be their regular size for their items inside their borders?

Mark's reply:  Do you get more fries too?

Digression

Mr. Wurster, I have nothing but bright compliments on your observations below. Perhaps because you've had the chance to see the town outside of the MLC-goggles, you can offer that perspective on the town without prejudice. So I doff my cap to you and just like you that 2003 Call Day was just as much of a shambles for me. Tough times indeed. Tough, sad times. Didn't know about the D.P. relatives/teacher placements. I wish I were surprised and shocked, but it is just another silent knowing head shake that shouldn't be par for the course, yet it is. When I hear "Lord's Will, so deal with it" when it comes to me and hear about these curmudgeons stuffing the Lord's Call Box with votes so at least their niece or whatever can get placed regardless of the call doctrine, I just get nauseous. Anyway, I'll be brief, for once, and just say thanks for your words. You are definitely not alone in your thinking.

Name and Location:

Mr. Wurster/ New Ulm

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Have you had the Schell's Snow Storm?

Mark's reply:  No.  Is it any good?  I tend to like the darker/fuller beers; Schell's Bock is one of my favorites.

Digression

Ah New Ulm…cesspool…festering hole…you know I begin to think that people are mistaking the town of New Ulm for the campus of MLC. I too once hated the burg (not the last name of 75% of WELSians) and I wanted very much to attend a school in a much better location. There were times when I considered dropping out because I despised the town so much. Call Day of 2003 was a sad time in my life. I think I took my frustrations out on the town instead of the “divine” call committee, which by the way professors and other called workers tell me is not a divine process considering WELS district presidents had their daughters assigned to the same congregation in which they served. HMMM? I took my anger out on the town and sampled too much of the local brew and did things I now regret. Two months later after being hired by several public school districts I receive a call to come back to the city of my hopeless anguish. I did take the call after consideration and moved to New Ulm once again. This time, however, it was much different. No moving into a little room that is poorly lit and poorly heated. No urine soaked stairwells. No alcohol policies. No passion pits. I moved in and these people who years previous I had dubbed “townies” were very friendly and helped me move in. These people were so friendly those first few days and they continue to be sociable. In conversations over supper they were shocked to learn that I went to MLC because of how “nice” and “friendly” I was. The man of the house said quote, “You are the first person from the Hill that doesn’t have his head up his butt.” It was evident that there is a difference between townsfolk and MLCites when some students moved in next door to me. They will not speak with me and when they neighbors offered help and assistance the students refused. When I see them walk by I try to greet them with a friendly hello but I receive nothing in return. These are the same MLC students that when I was coaching football had a party the night before our homecoming game and I needed to get some sleep so I went over to ask to turn down the music and they had some choice words for me and I was called a “townie”. These are the same people whom late at night I have heard have discussions outside their apartment about why it is better to marry a pastor and the number one reason is because you can have more kids that way. So Pablo, unless you are a pastor, seek a non-WELS woman to be your spouse. I find it ironic that today in my sophomore religion class we began discussion of Song of Solomon. I began the class by asking the students what they wanted in a spouse. One boy responded, “A mix between Tyra Banks and Pamela Anderson that won’t cheat on me and who also has enough money to support me so I can be a stay at home dad.” I wanted to say good luck trying to find that in this synod. New Ulm is a friendly town. My first week at school there was this banquet put on by the Chamber of Commerce and the city itself to welcome all the new teachers of the city. Every school in town was represented. It felt special to be welcomed to this town that I supposedly despised. Coming into contact with MLC students is like pulling teeth or getting a root canal. It is a painful experience. There are, in some cases, a feeling of superiority over the lowly peons in the valley. I don’t think the new chapel is being built for the sheer number of students as it could be for a place to hold their egos.

Name and Location:

Pablo

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Digression

"One of the best strategies of the devil is to warn us against that which is least likely to happen."

Name and Location:

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Digression

I thought Hamlet said that

Name and Location:

Bill S.

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Digression

You stole my line, Pablo.

Name and Location:

Pablo

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Digression

If only sleep weren't necessary. "Oh that my life were bound in a nutshell; then I would be king of infinite space, if it were not for bad dreams."

Name and Location:

Suburbs

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

When are you coming over to help my husband finish the basement?

Mark's reply:  June

Digression

I'm sitting here procrastinating about doing my homework. Which is really stupid because I am 30 years old, have a master's degree, a job and no real reason to even be in school except I wanted to. But I have one more class to finish (after 3 semesters) before I get my certification in non-profit management, which will serve my career about as well as my undergraduate degree in sociology. Anyway, I took a break to enjoy Mark's rants and be amused by the trials he is facing engaging and challenging his diverse group of students. While doing this I began to reflect on my new job at the other end of the life cycle. I just finished my 3rd week as a hospice social worker. Yes... "I see dying people." Sick humor, but you have to have a little of that to survive the job. So far I've really enjoyed it. Most of my patients are elderly and "a little confused." I never quite know what I will encounter or what will be said when sitting with a patient. I learned a lot over this short time. For instance... If someone keeps telling you they are warm you should be careful when turning down the covers because it can also be code for "I've pooped my pants." You can have absolutely no idea what someone is talking to you about and still have a conversation. You are never too old to flirt...to be mischievous...to have your feelings hurt or be told you are beautiful. That life's too short to procrastinate (OK, I'm still learning that one) That a company actually makes "thickened water" a.k.a. spit so people can drink water without aspirating. That in the end we are again brought back to the basics of our youth. Where what we have or don't have doesn't matter. Where what we know and don't know is irrelevant. Where what you have accomplished is not as important as how you accomplished. Where we can be comfortable being simply who God created. Just maybe these patients are not the ones "confused" after all.

Name and Location:

Ben Wink, Germantown, WI

Email:

eminencefront@hotmail.com

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Digression

Pablo, try for a non-Lutheran. That'd be the best bet.

Name and Location:

Pablo

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Digression

Can anyone find me a quality non-engaged, non-married, non-fickle female? There don't seem to be any in the metro-Milwaukee area.

Name and Location:

Ben Wink, The Lord has blessed me by allowing me to live outside of New Ulm.

Email:

eminencefront@hotmail.com

Homepage:

www.newulmisforadventure.com

Question for Mark:

Mark, Mark, Mark...why miss complaining about something you're free from? There's a whole new world to complain and whine about! Life is a constant dodgeball game that seems to always throw those little Tachikara balls right in your naughty bits when you think you're safe from the barrage.

Mark's reply:  Because I miss my drug-crazed college days.

Digression

Greetings to all in Digression-land! I know that the 3.4 billion of you that have checked the page out in the past couple of weeks are reading too, so greetings! Ah yes. New Ulm. That festering hole where all light and happiness is sucked into and only depression and heartburn are allowed to leave. To have those five years of life back. But this is mere dreaming and a wasted hope. From the Concord stairwells that smelled of old urine (not fresh, mind you) to the poor window seals that you never noticed before winter sat in to the idiotic parking policy. Yes, MLC, or as some refer to it, The Cash Furnace. The place where salting the sidewalks starts in mid-April. The place that dares to not connect all the parking lots for fear of making it easily accessible. The place that dared to let more males on campus thereby ruining the girl-to-guy ratio forever. The place that only allows tutors because they want to give the single pastors one more chance in a dating nature reserve. The place that wants to put a chapel up, in order to have a bigger building for students to skip out of, I guess. The place that places a large, heated, ceramic seal right in the middle of a major walkway, only to tell people to avoid stepping on it. The place that makes choir mandatory for a year. The place that forces you to either study or drink because there's nothing else going on in the town. The place that even the city hates to have. The place that should use funding to give the security officers jackboots because they're psuedo-Gestapo anyway. The place that offers every upperclassman's dream: a dorm filled with freshman girls, then places it under more security than most former Soviet gulags. The place where either calling it soda or pop can start endless arguments. (Of course these arguments take the place of what should be the main topic of discussion: "What To Do About Not Having A Life".) The place where teacher and pastor and early childhood teacher and staff minister and high school teacher can all get together and see each other's nudity more than they should have to. The place where music majors have some actual respect. (Mind-boggling, ain't it?!) And finally the place where all the Lutheran high schools get to come together and put aside their differences in order to face the common enemy: former Prep students.

Name and Location:

Missy

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Digression

First of all, I wanted to give a shout out (that's what the kids are saying these days) to Paul and say Happy Birthday a day late. Way to age. Mark, you wanted me to complain about MLC--done and done. So I've had this broken Student ID for forever; it's been held together by packaging tape for the last couple of years, and it has never affected the scanning before. However, one day after chapel I traversed to the cafeteria and they would not let me eat. The powers that be in the cafeteria decided they would go on a crusade against cracked, broken, or faded IDs and made us all go get new ones before we could eat. Thus, I ended up waiting in line for 35 minutes for a new ID or risk starvation. They could have easily put up a sign for a couple of days warning us or telling us to get new ones, but instead decided to annoy me and be retarded about it. Besides the fact that my financial statement is wrong every month, that will end my complaints about MLC and my digression for today. Oh,yeah. My team also lost at disc golf the other day to Professor Grunewald and his son--don't laugh, they're good--they live right off the seventh hole.

Name and Location:

Paul

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Digression

Cheer up Mark. Friday night is almost here.

Name and Location:

Mark

Email:

ehlkemd@hotmail.com, mark@thecabbage.com

Homepage:

thecabbage.com

Question for Mark:

How can a banally-unattractive, average-intelligent person in the WELS still be single?

Digression

I'm digressing on here because I'm at school and I don't have Frontpage or an FTP program here. I'm overworked and overpaid. Or is it underworked and underpaid? Or whatever. I realize I haven't done much real writing for quite a while, but I was hoping some of you out there would carry the torch for awhile whilst I'm trapped in this 5th and 6th grade aliterate world. We are working on how to form paragraphs: fun things like writing a topic sentence/main idea and then adding (supporting) details to it. My bread-and-butter is usually telling someone to write more like he/she speaks; this normally creates better flow and succession. But (breaking a "rule" I'm trying to get through to them concerning beginning too many sentences with conjunctions) if you could hear some of them speak, you would realize my conundrum (sp.?) I did have grand ideas of writing a special state teachers conference edition of The Cabbage, but that doesn't look like it's going to happen. I miss writing it. I miss college. I miss free time. I miss...dare I say it...New Ulm...no!!! No, I don't! I recant!!! Well, I do miss Whopper Wednesday and Schell's Bock. My writing is suffering due to not writing; I guess all that crap was true. Go Packers.

Name and Location:

Ben Wink, (Let's try something dreamy and deep...) Oh, I'm wherever the wind decides to place me, baby. Life is like a forest with each of our leaves blowing around this earth, always trying to make it out of the woods and into a new shiny world, baby. (Nah, sounds too poofy.)

Email:

eminencefront@hotmail.com

Homepage:

www.howardfineandhoward.com

Question for Mark:

Mark, is teaching so peaceful for you that you don't have anything more to digress about? Have you found the eternal oneness that comes from instructing children on a daily basis?

Digression

Hello all! Especially that last digressor! Rach, eh? Are you single? Just thought I'd get that out of the way, first off. Shameless you say? Pish tosh, dear readers! In this day and age, one must be as forward as one can within the framework of an electronic ranting format. Oh, are you cute as well? My contact info is right above, ma'am. Went to the chiropractor today and boy was there a lot of pain and thrashing going on. And that was just getting into the car! BWAH-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!! Boy. Whew! Let me catch my breath for second. Ah, better. My back hadn't been thrown around in pain like that since I last slept in my freshman dorm bed/couch/torture rack that was provided. I'm not sure he knows what he's doing exactly, but I'll trust him. At this point to get rid of the pain in my sciatic nerve, I'm about to either find a witch doctor or go to Lourdes for a hopeful healing. Which reminds me, Rach, if you're single, cute, and an amateur massage therapist, I can get you a ring ASAP. You might have to help me get back up from my being on one knee, but it is a small price to pay indeed. But the chiropractor was doing a good job of massaging and rubbing away the pain. Kind of reminds of me of what must go on behind locked dorm room doors between boy and girlfriends in certain ministerial colleges. Anyway...must get back to relaxing and watching movies and taking pain pills by the metric ton. Toodles!

Name and Location:

Rach

Email:

@mlc-wels.edu

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Digression

I'm severely wounded by the lack of cabbage issues floating around MLC. I wish someone on this wonderful middle-of-nowhere campus would carry the torch and start writing some good humor. I could go down to the caf on Thursdays and look forward to finding a perfectly good issue sitting right there on the table for me to read. On a side note, there has already been one issue of the Knight's Page out this semester. (could it be a new record for speed?)But, no one loves the KP enough to leave it in the caf for people to read. WE LOVE THE CABBAGE!! (and I'm sure if the freshmen really knew what it was, they would love it too.)

Name and Location:

Ben Wink, Just to the left of the big tree...no not that far left...well, you see the two trees, right?...well I'm over on the far left of the one on the left...on your left...see?

Email:

eminencefront@hotmail.com

Homepage:

www.ILuvAffleckLopez.com

Question for Mark:

Mark, if you snort all the gas that comes out of the Reddi-Whip container, how do you eventually get the whipped topping out? Uh, just a hypothetical question. Heh heh. Ahem.

Digression

Hello all of you out there that are reading my words today. Even if you are not reading my words and are just scanning them for mention of something offensive, dirty, or rather risque, I'd like to say hello to you for taking that supreme effort. Gosh, there must be well over several kajillion people that have logged on since I last did. Most of them are Iraqis that got their first PCs and are now able to order overpriced CDs and porn like the rest of us here in the United States already do. That sweet smell of freedom! Anyway, what proverbial bug is lodged up my derriere this time? Well, first off, Liz, don't learn the language until you're certain that you're getting married prior to his leaving. If you don't know, you'll learn Spanish for no real reason other than watching Univision until the wee hours and will finally be able to see what the heavily made-up 60 year-old lady in the skin tight, sequinned dress is laughing at. So get the ring before you start the classes. Next, isn't Ted Kennedy just the most amazing person? I mean Jim Henson had some admirable creations before, but wow! This puppet is great! Oh sure Statler and Waldorf look more realistic, but Ted is in the top ten, right between the Swedish Chef and the Snuffalapagus. Finally, to all of you who are new out there at MLC, don't worry, the year will go fast, and you might have a chance to get one of the four calls that will be available for your entire class by the time you graduate! The Vegas oddsmakers are somewhat in your favor that your program of ministry will survive by '07. I'd wait until Jimmy the Greek gets his numbers in yet. So for some of you, have a great year, the rest, I wouldn't unpack that much just yet...

Name and Location:

Lizzy B.

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Why?

Digression

Now here's a dilly of a pickle... since I'm not a real big fan of my congregation, I decided that since they're having budget issues, I would complicate things even more by taking advantage of their $500/year for continuing education deal. So I decided to take Spanish 101 at Oakton Community College. Why, you may ask? Well, I've always been good at languages, and my boyfriend (who is NOT gay, Mark and Ben) is very interested in vicaring in Latin America, so I figured that maybe I could learn Spanish because it's an avid interest of his. Since I live in the melting pot of America (83 different languages spoken at the local high school), I figured the language department at OCC must be pretty great. Boy did I make the wrong assumption. It turns out my Spanish professor, Senora Llerena, has a speech impediment. She has a horrible lisp, and also has problems pronouncing "L" and "R". Shouldn't that be a major determining factor in whether or not someone can be a college professor, at least in languages??? I just felt like digressing that because I'm having issues with how to pronounce certain things in Spanish. Hasta luego!

Name and Location:

Ben Wink, Somewhere Near The Cambodian Border....oops, nope! It's just Oshkosh!

Email:

eminencefront@hotmail.com

Homepage:

Don't have one yet, but www.biteme.com has a certain ring, doesn't it?

Question for Mark:

Mark, why do you rain on my leg and tell me it's peeing?

Digression

Gosh, a hearty hello to all of you out there in Digressionville! Haven't been on the site for a while, glad to see that there's still room in this crowd of well over 100,000,000,000 visitors that have come since I last logged on. To those of you that were glad of my absence, I can only offer my sincerest condolences and hope that your mental combination of my phrases "stick it" and "in your ear" comes to a good conclusion within your synapses. I have been all over this great land in the past couple of weeks and noticed several things that I found "quirky" to my severely Midwestern eyes. ---Is there anyone left in Iowa over the summer months? It seemed that there were more Iowa plates in Colorado than Coloradoan ones. Absolutely amazing. Does the governor just give the people a gas card and several grand and say, "Get out! PLEASE!"? ---On a side note there is a place called Manly, Iowa. No joke there, just a smirk. I guess they felt and need to assert themselves competing with their sister towns of Fairy, Effeminate, and Queerville. --- Exactly what are the procedures undertaken to ensure that proper people are allowed to adopt a highway? Do they delve into their backhistory and check out if they've had a history of littering and such in the past? How else can one see that this section of highway will be shown loving care and guidance? Also, can I litter based on whether or not I care about those that have been selected to adopt? I wouldn't throw anything out if the sign said "Adopted By: Bill and Jennie Walters" or "Still Waters Retirement Community". But if it said "Georgia Chain Gang #783" or "Church of Latter Day Saints", I might just bring garbage from home to throw out as I travel. Maybe even loft a few used leaky car batteries now and then. ---If one more person ever whines about how there's overpopulation in this country, I am taking them by gunpoint to Iowa, Nebraska, Colorado, New Mexico, Arizona, Wyoming, and South Dakota. NO ONE LIVES HERE. If there is a future problem in our cities, then frankly I should think that an involuntary relocation program is in order. ---There's just something odd about Native American reservations having Spanish names. Like having the Arapahoe in the Santo Domingo reservation or something like that. It sounds just as odd as having Norwegian communities in Minnesota named Xhing Chao Pan territory. ---Saw one guy playing miniature golf, by himself. If there is something that highlights pathetic loneliness on a level that I thankfully haven't reached yet, that would be most certainly it. Wow. If you can't get at least ONE other human being to go putt-putt with you, then just stay home and play Mario Golf or show some self respect and just sob quietly. ---The only difference between a dry heat and the other kind is that morons bring up a dry heat more often in a supposed delusion that they are comforting you by saying "Well, at least it's a dry heat." Would I rather be in a huge pizza oven or a soccer player's jockstrap during the final minutes? Those are the only differences between the heats. ---Finally, Illinois drivers manage to be complete jerkoffs, no matter what state they motor around in. Incredible. When in New Mexico, if a New Mexican driver cuts me off, only that driver is bad, my prejudices do not extend to other drivers in the state. But Illinois drivers manage to drive like a drunken Stevie Wonder no matter what territory they are in. ---That is all for now from me. Thanks for playing along today!

Name and Location:

Kathie Ehlke/ Waukesha, WI

Email:

ktoppe@wi.rr.com

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Digression

I would like to introduce myself even though few people may care. My name is Kathie Ehlke…well in theory. I’m actually in name limbo. Legally my name is Kathie Toppe but I married Mark’s brother Scott which makes me an Ehlke, I guess. You see… I’ve been Kathie Toppe so long and there are endless hoops I have to jump through to change my name with social security then change it in approximately 3 million other areas of my life i.e. credit cards and other financial institutions, Dr’s offices, driver’s license, college alumni association, I am certified in the state as a social worker so need to change it with the state, my e-mail addres. The list is seemingly endless. I panic when I call somewhere and they ask my name. I literally freeze and before responding need to think. How does this person know me? Yes, I’m Kathie Ehlke but if I call my dentist to make an appt. Kathie Ehlke does not exist so I have to remember to say Kathie Toppe. I think you know where I’m going with this. I fear I may have committed a felony by signing all the checks we received for our wedding Kathie Ehlke even though “legally” she still doesn’t exist. But what could I do, the checks were made out to Mr. and Mrs. Ehlke. Too ease some of my anxiety about this I decided to introduce myself to the millions of readers of this wonderful website. Since you, well except Mark, are the only ones who know me only as I am… Kathie Ehlke. On a totally different note… As I mentioned, I married one of the 5 Ehlke boys and have to say that if you can get your hands on one you will not be disappointed. By the way… Mark did a VERY good job as an usher. He was responsible, thoughtful of other’s needs, assured everything when smoothly, looked amazing in his tux and even provided some entertainment at the reception. Oh… I almost forgot…he did a wonderful job ringing the church bells! What more could you ask from a guy? Think about it.

Name and Location:

Liz / Morton, I mean "Moron" Grove, IL

Email:

iteachkmusic@yahoo.com

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Is the grass really greener on the other side of the fence?

Digression

After being made aware of this site, and reading Mark's digressions and everyone else's rants, I decided to take a break from my rigorous lesson planning schedule to bestow my thoughts upon this webpage. First off, I want to take this opportunity to wish Ben Wink a Happy 25th Birthday. It makes me wonder... why is it that Ben ages with grace and beauty (don't deny it, Ben), and while I'm only a mere month younger than he, I can't even get into R rated movies without getting carded??? I went to see American Wedding this weekend (which by the way is delightfully more raunchy than its two preceding movies), and I got carded!!! Of course, my I.D. was in the car, which was parked in the nether-regions of the parking lot. When I returned with it, the employee declared it was a fake I.D. because it was an Illinois license, and I was in Wisconsin, and there was no way I was actually 24 years old. To top it all off, the Ass Man (Assistant Manager) made the remark, "And I'm supposed to believe your birthday is September 11?" That really ticked me off. So I had to run back out to my car, get more proof that I was indeed Elizabeth Marie Borgwardt. Being the slightly punchy person that I can be, I presented every credit card, library card, YMCA membership card that I have in front of the Ass Man. Reluctantly, she let me in, and I walked in during the beginning of the movie (which I hate doing because I'm anal about being late to things). The moral of the story: The world is not kind to those who are young looking and from Illinois.

Name and Location:

Seth

Email:

seth@copperrockcoffee.com

Homepage:

www.copperrockcoffee.com (you will also find me in the background of "man hoeing woodchips" in the August 15 Fleet Farm publication)

Question for Mark:

How do you keep coming up with all those hilarious ideas? (sigh accompanied by silent awe) You must be a genius or something.

Digression

yeah, I'm writing again, and it doesn't entail disputing graphic designer's claims of unpaid invoices or doling out hard-earned coffee money to so many employees or vendors or non-profit organizations or accountants (those people make some money, if you were wondering. I'm going to start taking classes in the hopes of getting hired by myself and maybe some other accounting firm, like Arthur Anderson or something.) or window washers or artists or musicians or the city of Appleton or the everyone else who seems to send me invoices providing me with some necessary service or money-needing endeavor. Everyone's out to make a buck. . .it's just sad. So I was checking out the links from my homepage playing the seven degrees of Episcopalian Bishop Gene Robinson and I kept running into this digression page. There were far too many words and not enough pics, so I stopped reading; hence, none of this message threads from the previous digressions. I'll continue the digression later on a new computer, for the laptop I'm using is dying as we speak. HEY--I just met Tara Arnold of Fox 11 morning fame. She was enjoying the shop's outdoor seating--we still need umbrellas outside--and loved her latte. Looks like the Copper Rock has finally arrived! More soon. . .

Name and Location:

Ben Wink, Soon To Be No Longer At This Desk

Email:

eminencefront@hotmail.com

Homepage:

I guess I would have to say that wherever I place my hat, that's where my homepage is.

Question for Mark:

Mark, how do you deal with fame? The "autograph my 8 X 10 glossy of you for me, because you're cute" letters must be waist high in several rooms by now.

Digression

Ah, good day, glad to see all of you here today. This day is just the most specialest day. The most rootin-tootin' and frabjous day. Why? Because yours truly has his last day here at the synod office in lovely almost downtown if you kinda squint Milwaukee. Now why would I be happy about this? Doesn't this mean that I have no job after tomorrow? No source of income? No way to pay for rent, taxes, power company, cell phone fascists, and huge and obviously necessary DVD bills? In a word, true. In another word, true. (I never said I had to use a different word.) However, the combined stress of the past few months of things in this office and outside of it have made me into an almost drooling sociopath. Not that I wasn't a sociopath before, but the drooling thing is really disgusting and kind of gives the whole game away that I might have a mental problem or two. So a needed break was necessary before I start delving into something really disturbing like origami or carving bars of soap into the cast of the 1985 season of Saturday Night Live. (Although the Terry Sweeney looks great, the Randy Quaid needs a few final touches, and the Anthony Michael Hall is extremely lifelike, ironically unlike the actual Mr. A. Michael Hall in many ways.) Another question would be: how will the synod be able to continue without my semi-guiding hand? It is a difficult question and one that historians will be debating for decades if not maybe just once over a coffee break. Well, as Pres. Gurgel has just be re-elected, I won't be needed for that position. This is good and bad. While I am glad that the Prez got the vote, I'm saddened because my chances to rule with an iron fist, sending people to immediate execution and then torture, have severely declined. I know I can abuse power in an obnoxious way, all I ask for is the opportunity! Plus, I'd never get it because I'm a lowly staff minister and you know they're low because if semi-retired pastors from the Missouri Synod are held in higher regard than my field in the WELS, then you know you're in trouble. I have a feeling we rank somewhere in-between Buddist monks, relocated Catholic priests, and al-Qaida operatives in this church body. My data is rather raw on that though. So what's next on my table? I am immediately going to have new tires placed on my car today. While not as life-altering as I had assumed, walking into Fleet Farm full of newfound hope as I did, I think the step in the right direction has been taken. I plan on being in my apartment at least until the end of August, where I'll either have to be removed from because of the overwhelming stench of half-eaten Chinese take-out or I will just move everything into my storage area in the basement and live there, occasionally snatching a rat or a wandering child to eat. As for the impact I've had in the office, I'll just let this occasion be an example: My Forward In Christ administrator said this to me over and over again, "Good morning, Dan." I never replied. Did this happen in September? Around Christmas? No. It was this past Tuesday. As in two days ago Tuesday. That should tell you about how well-remembered and regarded I am. Actually, I hope that he does have incredible problems with me and goes ranting off about some guy named "Dan" all the livelong day. I can just hear the committment papers being signed. Ah...

Name and Location:

Paul Mattek/ a computer

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

What are you going to do if you get arrested in NY?

Digression

Just watched Godfather part 1 for the first time (I know, I'm way behind on movie watching). Anyway, it definitely ranks in my top five movies of all time. Any mob movie that can place more emphasis on family than the "business" is a keeper. Don't get me wrong, the movie still has plenty of "business" in it, but it isn't the major plot. Not quite sure how to end this rant. I'm 4 vodka Martini's (shaken not stirred) to the wind so I best be going before I incriminate myself by saying something flippant.

Name and Location:

Missy/Manitowoc-Appleton

Email:

hahnke3@hotmail.com

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Digression

I just read "Breakfast of Champions" (this won't let me italicize) by Kurt Vonnegut. Awesome book for you guys to read--Ben, with your recent writing woes, you would appreciate it, if you have not already read it. I laughed out loud numerous times, to the point where the patrons of the Copper Rock thought I was a bit odd. Also, if any of you are interested, the Poet Laureate of the U.S., Billy Collins, compiled poems for every day of the school year and I got them off of the internet--most of them are pretty good. He himself wrote a poem about a lanyard, which is hilarious. That's all for now.

Name and Location:

Ben Wink, Not In Europe, So I've Narrowed It Down For You

Email:

eminencefront@hotmail.com

Homepage:

www.whyhitlerwasnotnice.com

Question for Mark:

Did the Treaty of Versailles at the end of World War I truly end the hostilities in Germany and Austria, or did it only serve to get the pot of resentment slowly boiling again until in exploded in the early 1930's?

Digression

Hello to all that bother to place the words written in this area before their eyes in order to absorb the digressional juiciness that abounds within. Sorry I haven't written here in a while. I know that the five of you that check on this page have been worried, so I thought I'd unleash with an actual piece that stems from anger and deep resentment, rather than the fluff digressions that I usually write. I'm even going to make it synod-related in a way, so that'll be sure to get the kettle a-simmerin'! I'm not going to talk about the financial worries and mismanagement within the financial structure. I'm not going to talk about how divine calls are just chopped willy-nilly due to financial constraints. I'm not going to talk about how building a chapel on a certain worker training college is poor stewardship. I'm not going to mention the poor misguided schlubs who think that staff ministry should be gotten rid of because it serves no purpose and have errant thoughts thinking that it undermines the pastors. I'm not even going to bring up that for the call days in 2003, I haven't been given a call and the bitterness and anger that stems from that for possibly wasting my time in training for a job that evidently isn't needed because I guess we have all the workers we need for the harvest and have been misled with "called worker shortages" stories for years. No, no, dear reader I am not going to stir the soup with any of those stories. Any one of those is a separate digression in and of itself. Hopefully you have an opinion that should be voiced on these topics. But not me and not today. I am going to talk about something else. I was sent to the synod administration building to write a report on the mission projects funded by the Forward In Christ Mission Offering or the "Let's Get Money for a MLC Chapel Project". Over the course of nine months, I conversed with the people involved with 45-50 projects, collected their stories through interviews, compiled the projects in some kind of order, wrote the whole thing in a narrative form, and all-in-all it totalled around 90 pages. This was to be a final report, informing all the people what happened to the mission projects and what ultimately happened to their money. This was then sent to the people who do the Forward In Christ (N.W. Lutheran) for publishing. This report was to be included with the information handed out at the upcoming synod convention. I realized that 90 pages might be hard to swallow but with editing and formatting, hopefully this would be made to be an easy read and inform everyone about what happened to their funding. It was to be completely comprehensive and would include failed projects as well. This was to hopefully show that some timing was off and would be included to possibly give other churches good ideas that just didn't fly with others. Maybe they could work out the bugs and get the project flying in their own congregation. They just printed off the copies to be distributed. I received what turned out to be a pamphlet of about 10 pages. It talked about only 15-20 projects. There's an introduction written by the administrator of the Forward In Christ funding. My name appears nowhere on this hybrid bastardization. As you can tell by that last word, I am NOT pleased with the final results. I take that much time and the administrator, who has had nothing to do with these projects for about two years, gets implied credit for this report? I was called to write this report and it not only gets hacked to pieces, but I get no credit? Not even a "Thanks to Staff Minister Ben Wink for his aid in compiling the information for this pamphlet" mention? As an amateur writer myself, this is just the biggest slap in the face one can receive. Whenever I tell a joke or a line or a story I had heard, I always give credit sometimes to my downfall, because that's where it is due. I proudly grab whatever credit I can for something I write and stand by it, as should anyone who truly cares about the results of whatever work they do. If I fail to acknowledge who said/wrote something, it's only because I can't recall the name. Ours are God-given gifts and while He deserves the glory, it's nice to know that others appreciate what you do and encourage you to go further. That's why people should sound off in The Cabbage Guestbook a bit more often, if ever. Perhaps I should be glad that my name isn't on whatever they produced. It is NOT what I intended. At no time was I ever contacted for an editing session. At no time was I informed that they were going to hack away. By the way, if this was supposed to be comprehensive, then why hack stuff off? Doesn't that defeat the purpose of being COMPREHENSIVE??? My time has been ultimately wasted then. This report was to be my lynchpin for being called and they even managed to hack and slash that. My whole call situation is in God's hands and hopefully something good will come of it, perhaps judgment day is tomorrow. But when one gets writing and enjoys doing it and likes it and then to have it ripped apart is something that I'd expect from some studio or publisher, not my synodical church. Maybe they did it because unlike a studio, I cannot sue them for it. I should have made them sign a contract. So in a word, thanks for reading my drivel. In another word: AAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Name and Location:

Brett/Appleton

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

When are you going to move your clothes out of the living room?

Digression

I need to get something off my chest. The other day I decided to have a bowl of Golden Grahams, but to my surprise there was no milk. I cooked a pizza instead. I feel much better now.

Name and Location:

Paul Mattek/ I come from a land, from a faraway place, where the caravan camels roam

Email:

"

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Digression

Mark, Missy is more attractive than you. I hope that this opinion (fact) does not disappoint you, but reassures you. On another note, I can't wait until I can have another taste of Victor Allen's coffee at the Copper Rock Coffee Company on College Avenue in Appleton, Wisconisin. The coffee's perfectly blended flavor, along with the relaxing, yet hip, setting, and friendly staff of the Copper Rock, restores confidence in the sagacity of the world.

Name and Location:

Mark/Appleton

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Digression

Ben, are you saying Missy is more attractive than me? I am hurt, but also reassured by your assessment.

Name and Location:

Ben Wink, Somewhere South of Canada. FIND ME!

Email:

eminencefront@hotmail.com

Homepage:

Eh, the Internet is overrated! Who'd ever have a webpage anyway? Losers!

Question for Mark:

Mark, who wrote the Book of Love?

Digression

Mark, Mark, Mark...I guess now I have to digress on your last digression. I for one am glad that Missy writes whatever she writes. After all out of the few people that actually write on this, I think we'd all admit that she is the most attractive one, right? (Actually, I don't think I've ever met Senor Mattek, so to say that Missy is more attractive than him is a leap of faith, but one that I'm brave enough to take. No offense intended.) As far as I'm concerned, she can therefore blather on about whatever comes into her mind. So allow me to encourage the lone female writer to compose huge tomes of material to place on here. Some could say that I said that because I'm shallow enough to let her do that because she dares to be attractive. Well, I say that's right! She has the courage to stand up and write witty things and overcome her attractiveness to do it, then I say with a hearty voice: GOOD FOR YOU! Preach on and place whatever nuggets of insight and commentary you care to on this digressions page. AMEN!

Name and Location:

Mark/Waukesha

Email:

ehlkemd@hotmail.com

Homepage:

this

Question for Mark:

How are you so beautiful, yet so humble?

Digression

Missy, check your email. This page is not intended to turn into an open forum of communication among acquaintences, but random thoughts viewed by...oh nevermind...I may have mispelled something here but I don't care anymore.

Name and Location:

Missy Hahnke

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Are you in Milwaukee yet?

Digression

Hello Boys, Well, although I am not the girliest of girls, I am glad I add somewhat of a feminine touch to this otherwise masculine rantroom. Here are my digressions for the day: Number 1--Gay men like coffee, almost as much as they like Bill and Seth. Number 2--I went to a wedding the other day in a Methodist church--woman pastor and everything. That was extremely unsettling and the sermon (or homily as they called it) was completely lacking anything to do with God. Instead of a benediction she read some Native American saying. All in all, I'm proud to be a member of the WELS after that experience. Number 3--thanks to road construction, my car now sounds like any of those driven by the New Ulm townies (not you, Paul). I believe I have a giant hole in my exhaust. Number 4--I got my bill from MLC, and for some reason I'm paying something for Prep--what's that about. I don't go to Prep, nor do I want to. That's all for now. Bye boys, Missy

Name and Location:

Paul Mattek/ Mickey Mouse's Domain of Terror

Email:

look down a few digressions

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

What's your new number

Digression

Missy, I deeply regret the hurt I have caused you and your friends. It did not realize the close ties that bind you masters of the English language. It must be tough being so close, almost like sharing one brain. Seriously, echoing Monsieur Wink's comments, I can't believe anyone else actually reads this junk. Thank you Missy. Thank you for joining us in the pursuit of meaningless electronic conversation, which is really no conversation at all. This electronic dialogue, which is really no dialogue at all, needed a feminine touch. So since we are neither engaged in a conversation, nor a dialogue, thank you for joining us in being... electronic.

Name and Location:

Ben Wink, A Dimension Not Of Sight And Sound, But Of Mind

Email:

eminencefront@hotmail.com

Homepage:

As my amazon.com and eBay.com sites were so popular, why get a new one?

Question for Mark:

What is it that has six pairs of pants, lives in Philadelphia, and it never rains but it pours?

Digression

100,243...100,244...100,245...hm? Oh sorry! Just counting the hits. Wow an actual real life lass on the digressions page! Hi Missy! Here I just thought that it was just a room where Mr. Mattek, me, and sometimes Mr. Lambrecht shot the breeze without anyone reading what we put. But then a real life female comes in and I'm stumped for words. Let me just slick the hair back with some petroleum jelly and check my breath. Okay, we're good to go! Occasionally there will be several things that just pop in and around the old noggin and just bounce around all day. Sure they can't stick around long enough to base full length articles on, the lazy sons of...anyway, but they just make you wonder sometimes. Here are some of the random mutterings that have going on within my aging skull:----So Britney finally came out and said that she did the deed with Justin. Gosh. And here I thought what with the whole skimpy school girl outfits and childlike innocence about stripping layers off on MTV, that she was as pure as the driven snow. Hasn't this song/video back and forth tantrum been rather pathetic? Remember the good old days when Neil Young would write Southern Man, a good song, and Lynyrd Skynyrd would reply with Sweet Home Alabama, another good song? Now we have choreography battles between former Mouseketeers. Great.----Is there anything more disgusting than that ketchup water that comes out on your food first because you didn't shake the bottle? It ruins the bun and ruins the hotdog/brat/burger too. The only time the gag reflex gets more of a workout is when you try to bite off a hunk of a stick of butter. (Not recommended.)----At a recent Brewers game in Milwaukee, a member of the Pirates team attacked two of the sausages that take place in the sausage mascot race. He attacked one with a bat and the other fell over. Hm. While I somewhat condone mascot pummeling, the sausages only come out for about 5 minutes, race, and then leave. Fun is had by all and kids love it. My question is: what could have set this guy off? Does he have a hatred of mass produced meat products? Does he have bad track memories because of the time a kielbasa beat him in the relay race? Perhaps he dated an Italian sausage at one point and the love went badly. I know! The sausage was chosen for the All-Star team and he wasn't and that kind of hurts when a chunk of spiced pig meat gets more votes than a pro first baseman.----Is there a movie that is more of a entertainment bonanza than Big Trouble In Little China? "May the wings of Liberty never lose a feather..."----Would it seem childlike and petty to be loudly whining that the person in front of you in the checkout line has 17 items in the 15 item speedy checkout? Can you then physically attack them if they decide to write out a check for the full amount of $4.83? And what if they then send one of their 7 year-olds back into the baking needs aisle to get a bottle of cumin on the top shelf that they forgot? Would you be justified on a moral basis to grab the nearest Weekly World News and start swatting this person on the head violently for these offenses? Boy, I sure hope so. The trial is in two weeks.----That is all for now. (Gee, I hope Missy liked them. *blush, blush* Shucks!)

Name and Location:

Missy Hahnke--Manitowoc/Appleton, WI

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Digression

This digression is in response to accusations made upon two very near and dear friends of mine. You know them as Tiffany Schultz and Lucas Buffner. Yes, I know they have not been very active lately, and I have chided them for their behavior. But they do have some excuses. For one, Tiffany is like, a very social, like, totally busy girl, and Lucas is in da gym many hours of da day, pumpin' up for da ladies. But seriously--Paul, you made good points about parenting, but have some pity on my two lackadaisical friends. Maybe they have two jobs and are driving a million miles a week back and forth from Manitowoc to Appleton. Maybe they have a lot of weddings to go to. Maybe Mark didn't inform them that he was writing summer issues and needed their help... I'm done digressing--I and my multiple personalities are tired now. I must do some laundry and return to my next job. Mark--when are you going to be in Appleton? We need to go out and play trivia at the Paper Valley (Seth and I kicked ass last time).

Name and Location:

P. Diddy Mattek/BlingBlingville

Email:

mattek27@yahoo.com

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Digression

Trinity Waukesha was the church of my youth. I'm glad Mark liked it. I have heard mixed reviews about the new design. Personally, I am thrilled that they updated the design, the old interior was somewhat cold. If anyone reading this, or should I say if the any one person (Ben Wink) reading this has never seen the interior of Trinity, you should check it out. If such a tour is not feasible, you can call or email me and I will be happy to "walk" you through with an audio or typewritten tour. I don't have any new serious parenting flaws to discuss, well actually I do but I'm not quite as peeved about life as last time I digressed, so I won't mention any. I do agree with Mr. Wink's comment about the dangers of pushing kids too strongly into a sports or entertainment career. One little girl at camp goes to "Annie Camp" for 2 weeks every summer. She spends all day back at the church's kids camp singing songs from the hit musical Annie and all the kids think she's odd. I hope she has friends when she grows up. I guess I did mention a parenting flaw. On well, self serving parents need to be lambasted.

Name and Location:

Ben Wink, Hearts of Millions

Email:

eminencefront@hotmail.com

Homepage:

Glad to see so many of you checked out my Amazon.com! My new page is called eBay.com!

Question for Mark:

Why does Spanish punctuation get that cool upside-down question mark at the beginning of their questions and we U.S.ers don't?

Digression

A hearty hello to all of you and hope that you have a safe and wonderful 4th o' July. May you keep all your fingers after the fireworks. Mr. Mattek, I feel bad because most of my digressions are about fluffy garbage, and you bring up a good serious point. Another parent that is bad are those that push their kids into some kind of entertainment area or sport and do so relentlessly and with malice aforethought to anything that gets in their way. Always good to be a supporter, not always good to be a dictator. Anyway, following a thought, for this Independence Day I just thought that I would talk about the Soviet Union a bit. I miss the Soviet Union. I miss the Cold War. Sure nuclear arms were stacked up like there was no tomorrow, and if they continued that way, there wouldn’t be, but life was much simpler in world then. Does this seem crazy to you? Well, here are my reasons for missing the Iron Curtain: --- It made maps a lot easier to read. Wasn’t it just great when there was just a nice big blob of pink (how appropriate!) that labeled the Soviet Union? Now there are approximately 563 nations that involve the sound “i-stan” after some conglomeration of normally unpronounceable consonants. Sure it’s nice that they have their freedom and are no long part of the world of communism blah, blah, blah… But life became a bit tougher for Geography students that now have to not only spell the names of Tajikistan and Kyrgyzstan but also manage recite the capitals of these countries as well. Sure was easier to just say “The Soviet Union” and “Moscow” for those answers wasn’t it?--- The communist nations that are left just don’t seem threatening. China would never do anything to the U.S., because we buy most of their fireworks and enjoy their crabmeat rangoon too much. North Korea, although restarting its nuclear programs, is not liked by anyone and chances are if they threaten to talk any louder, it would result in China leaning across the table and slapping them, taking away their toys. Vietnam is only threatening because of the fact that we might get yet another Missing In Action flick out of it. Which leaves Cuba, that thin stretch of island that everyone thought was the end of civilization when it became communist. I have come to believe that Cuba only switched so it could act as a nifty plot device in The Godfather Part II and that’s it. But as long as Castro lives, which could be into the 22nd century at this point, we’ll have to settle for domestic cigars. Somehow…the Free World has managed to live without readily having Cuban stogies. Those embargoes sure are deadly!--- The fall of the Soviet Union makes many of our movies outdated and quaint. Oh sure, Red Dawn is a cornerstone of cinematic bravado in that it was a rather dumb flick, but its violence seems all for nothing now that the USSR fell. Seems a right shame. What’s the point of Rocky IV or Rambo III now? What about Red Heat, WarGames, or Dr. Strangelove? Must even the mighty Spies Like Us fall down? All of these movies seem to prompt a current generation to ask the question: “Russia was communist?” I get a tear in my eye every time I watch The Hunt For Red October now. It just isn’t fair!--- I miss the moronic fight to get to the moon. What’s the point? Was the U.S. afraid that the Soviets would colonize that hunk of rock and make an entire communist planet? This would be a supreme threat to our space based laser defense system and our orbital space station dwellings! Boy, we really thought that we’d be soooo far ahead in technology by now, didn’t we? Oh sure, we’ve made great leaps and bounds, don’t get me wrong, but I still don’t have a flying car that makes that neat Jetsons noise when I use it. Where’s my entire meal in one pill and my teleporting device? I know it was all about showing off who was better and all, but think of all the money wasted that could have been spent on more nuclear ballistic missiles... Hold on, I think I’m going to cry.--- Their premiers all had some weird physical attribute that seemed to fit. You describe our presidents and you could just say “mid-50s-60s, graying hair, medium build” and you’d get pictures of almost every president back to Lincoln. Our guys are just too bland, but their guys just looked like they ran a country with an iron fist. Stalin had that sinister mustache. Khrushchev had his balding head and temper. Brezhnev’s eyebrows were unsettling and so large that they demanded a payroll as well. Gorbachev’s birthmark is already legendary. Some would ask why the United States was led to hate the USSR so much and the answer was rather obvious: could you trust a country whose leaders all look like James Bond villains?--- Now one could say “What about the millions that were killed or oppressed by the system? What about the lack of food? What about their sloppy attitude in dealing with nuclear waste? What about their long lines at the McDonald’s?” These are all good points and significant, yet I think they don’t alter my notion that the USSR is sorely missed. What would you rather have? Radicals that take over planes and crash them into our buildings or a nuclear standoff in which all are too afraid to push their launch buttons? I thought so. In any case, have a good 4th, pray for the future, and think golden thoughts about the past. Da svedanya!

Name and Location:

Paul Mattek

Email:

mattek27@hotmail/yahoo.com

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

What do you mean by "interesting" ?

Digression

I work at a summer camp, and I am sad. In the last few weeks I have seen some of the lousiest excuses for parents on the planet. An example from today. Caitlin and a few other 1st graders were playing with a jumprope. As often happens when more than one or two first graders play with a toy or object intendended to be used by no more than one or two people, someone gets hurt. Caitlin got hurt. She was tugging on one end of the rope, the others were tugging on the other end. Caitlin's grip slipped, she fell, she bumped her head. I took her over to the kitchen to get some ice for her bump. The whole while she was sobbing. In the background of this scene other children were lining up to get a snack. They had been very active all afternoon and were very hungry. When Caitlin had gained control of her tears enough to manage a request for a snack, I said yes. At the same time, Caitlin's mother came to the camp to pick her up. Caitlin began to cry again because she was happy to see her mom. I'm assuming she wanted her mom to know that she was hurt, and then her mom in turn would tell her that everything was ok. Before I continue, you should know a little about Caitlin's mom. She is a highly successful business entrepreneur. She makes six figures a few times over every year. She is divorced from Caitlin's dad (from whom she receives child support). She was married to another man, but he recently left her. As far as Caitlin knows, her new daddy is on vacation for the summer. Back to the story. Instead of reassuring Caitlin that everything would be ok, mother dearest scolded me for not putting a cold compress on her head, at which time I showed her the ice in the towel that I had taken off her daughter's head only a moment before. Her ego having been hurt, mother proceeded to scold her child for asking for a snack because mother had some place to go, the importance of which must certainly have been much higher than the happiness and well-being of her daughter. Moral of the story: if you have the means to make time for your daughter, for the love of God, give her two seconds to eat a snack and tell her that the world doesn't always suck. This story is only one example on a long long list of the egregious mistakes of parenting. Maybe I could turn this into good and compile these stories into a book called "1001 ways to love yourself," oh wait I think Oprah already did that.

Name and Location:

Scott Ehlke/ My Desk

Email:

sehlke@wi.rr.com

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

What do you mean by 'intersting?'

Digression

Name and Location:

Ben Wink, 43.218871 N, 88.116508 W or thereabouts

Email:

eminencefront@hotmail.com

Homepage:

After months of planning, I developed one called Amazon.com. Hope you like it!

Question for Mark:

When you order a Belgian waffle in a restaurant, can you be assured that's how they eat all of their waffles in Belgium?

Digression

WOW! This site is heating up! Imagine what'll happen when TEN people actually sign the guestbook! Whew! Well anyway, hidy-ho digression lovers! All four of you are probably eager to hear this drivel so let's get cracking! Mark D. Ehlke, (by the way the D. stands for delightful!) was going to digress on a concert topic that we witnessed on Thursday. Since he mentioned it then and it bothered him more than me, I am not going to steal his thunder and grab that topic. He can have it and digress all he wants to on it; I shall not touch upon it. Although it has been four days already and he's said nothing on it. Hm. Perhaps he's sufficiently calmed down. Anyway, Mark D., his brother Brett (he's single and charming, ladies!), and myself went to that fest to end all fests, Summerfest. Held every year on the Milwaukee lakefront, one should go at least once to this extraordinary event! On second thought, skip that. Don't go. I should think that you could drink a lukewarm Miller Lite on your backporch listening to Survivor's Greatest Hits and get the same effect without having to go anywhere. Of course the entrance fee and parking fee, which totals to about $78 are both understandable. The food prices on the other hand are amazing. One could spend upwards of 4 grand and still only get five burgers and two pitchers of fine imported local brew. But onto my main point. Summer is here and with it comes the people who enjoy it, those lizard-like beings who whine all year about how they wish it were summer and then complain about how short summer is when it is actually here. Incredible. Inevitably, one feels the need to embrace the warmth and glow of the sun on one's body. They want that tanned "we live in Monaco all year"-type of look. So clothing starts to come off, which is standard practice I believe in all of the states, save Minnesota where you can only take off your scarf for second because the zero Kelvin temperatures are wicked all year long. Far be it from me to tell others how to clothe themselves or to be the one in protest concerning others who proceed to go almost in the raw, but I will say this: if you are not extremely well toned to the point of looking like you were formed by Zeus out of bare rock and lightning to represent the ideal human form, then keep your clothes on. Wow. Hey the human form is indeed a representation of God's handiwork, but don't show off to others how much you've abused it. Man. I realize it's hot and that you're proud of your form, but please resist the urge. I can easily attest that I have never started to remove clothing in a huge public area, much to the delight of fellow patrons of these events. Now if you're a lady, you enjoy the sight of a sculpted male form and guys like beautiful female forms, so if they indulge in showing off what proper diet and exercise did for them, then so be it. More power to them. But if you're showing off what TV dinners and beer did for your form, then shield it from the public eye. Cover it with a tarp and several hundred sweaters. Hey you can do what you want in the privacy of your own home but when I have to pay admission and throw over entire life savings to purchase a bag of popcorn and a Sno-Cone, then I have to make demands on the others. I didn't pay for this. Please, for the courtesy of your fellow human beings, wear clothes. I did and do and it feels great. No need to be ashamed of your style, just put them on! What's amazing to me is that in beer commercials you see these incredibly handsome men and gorgeous ladies, yet at the beer tents what do you see? The aftereffects of drinking shown on dumpy forms. Why more alcoholics can't quit after seeing that, I'll never know. It made me want to swear off all forms of liquor, even rubbing alcohol. So summer's here and the time is right to get indoors with the air on and dress however you want to. Please.

Name and Location:

Paul Mattek

Email:

mattek27@yahoo.com

Homepage:

something at geocities because I'm too lazy to learn anything about web design

Question for Mark:

How long did it take you to write the new issue?

Digression

When will Lucas Buffner write again? Honestly, his straightforward style is what gives The Cabbage its edge. Although, The Cabbage would have plenty of edge if it weren't for Tiff Schultz. Fire her candy *ss already. I'd rather have Jason Blair (sp) make up some crap about nosebleeds as the leading cause of death among kindergardeners than read Tiff's trite journalism. It also really pisses me off when some bars, which have Guinness on tap, serve it flat - there is no excuse for that. Great edition Mark.

Name and Location:

Ben Wink, Germantown, WI, U.S.A., North America, Western Hemisphere, Earth, The Solar System, The Milky Way, The Universe

Email:

eminencefront@hotmail.com

Homepage:

All this time and yet...none.

Question for Mark:

Does anyone use white-out anymore? Besides to sniff it, I mean.

Digression

Hello there Mark and Jake and the well over 100,000 guests that are undoubtedly reading this right now. Although, to be fair, there must be well over 100,000 visitors by now, right? There might be 100,078 or even 100,114 who are poring over these words. Who knows? There might actually be over 18 billion hits on the Cabbage website within the past five days alone. Like most Americans, I have the blessing of email. Email is a warm friend. With it I can communicate and annoy hundreds of people all at once and it doesn't cost a thing. I can forward meaningless surveys that reveal nothing about a person other than whether or not they prefer bacon bits or croutons. (These are truly world-changing questions that show a deep personal conviction in some cause. I know it!) I fill them out because I'm bored and never read the responses of others that were just as bored as I was. On a typical day, one can find oneself barraged with close to a trillion emails a day. Most of them are junk mail and garbage from mailing lists you signed up for three years ago, such as updates from Amazon.com and Cutest Puppy of the Week from Uhlfringeer's PetMart. I was looking over these emails thinking that this must be an accurate slice of life in America today: All people are balding and impotent, heavily reliant on expensive medication, obese, needing credit card debt relief and mortgage help, and have a need to see "college dorm sluts do everything" on a webcam in the room. They want to work at home making amazing amounts of money while avoiding having a boss and apparently suffer from small male equipment in the front. They must believe that since a product was on Oprah (who has been known to make fabulous choices in wise judgment in the past), it must therefore be reliable merchandise. Apparently they trust that even though the FBI has complicated encryption powers, any moron can find their FBI files for only $39.99, and they just gotta have an acre of land on the moon before it runs out. You know, come to think of it, this sounds a lot like the U.S. population BEFORE the internet. So it's not that different then. Hm. Well, then nevermind! Time to buy pills at $79 a bottle so I can lose weight yet gain inches down below at the same time! Technology is a hoot! Oh, and I prefer bacon bits, chocolate ice cream, and my eye color is blue! Just in case you were wonderin'! :-) (Is that bile I taste?)

Name and Location:

Jake from Myrtle Beach

Email:

Homepage:

Working on it.

Question for Mark:

Next time.

Digression

Well, thank you to Ben and Mark for their appreciation of my last digression. Unlike last time, this time I definitely have something to rant about. This happened a few hours ago, and while it may not compare to not getting a straw at a Mcd's drive thru, I was very upset by the occurence. I had just gotten back from Bible class and had eaten my supper when I decided to go out for a little motorcycle ride. So I went around the corner of my apt. complex to the parking lot where I parked it earlier on in the day. Well, it was stolen!! What the blazes! I had parked it for a couple of hours and apparently someone needed it more than me. I keep it in a storage garage at night to protect against just such an act, but during the day? Why? Yes, I am upset. I immediately called the police and got the report filled out. The chances of finding it are not good, but hey, you have to try. By the way, this was Suzuki GSXR 600, yellow and black, 2001, if any of you could keep your eyes peeled. If you don't know what that looks like, then you are most likely one of those people who hates those loud race bikes anyway, and are glad I can't annoy anyone with it anymore. So I am a little depressed tonight. Although, I do have full insurance on it, so I will not really lose any money. That may be one of the smarter things I have done in my life. Actually there are a few bright sides to this story. One being that my mother should sleep better now knowing that I am no longer testing God by riding a deathtrap like that on a daily basis. The other good part is that now I don't have to agonize over having to sell it. I almost cried over the last rice rocket I sold. I guess I'll just have to think back to all the great memories I had with it and be happy. Of course, I did have a tendency to ride it in a manner I should not have, just ask officer Johnson (I still say doing a wheelie takes SKILL, and should prove to any law enforcement official that you are demonstrating your bike control). Maybe this is God's way of preserving my life for a few more years because the Lord knows I was seriously thinking about getting into racing with it. Well, not any more. So, I hope it gets found, but if not, what are you gonna do? J

Name and Location:

Ben Wink, Germantown, WI

Email:

eminencefront@hotmail.com

Homepage:

Still not a one. It's been tough, but you've been a great source of strength.

Question for Mark:

If you're all alone in the forest and a tree falls down, is it an oak?

Digression

First off, hidy-ho to the Jacob Lambrecht express! Good to hear from you! This past weekend, I had the honor of standing up at a wedding. I have known the groom for quite some time, dating back to 78 BC when I was a freshman in college. He is a good guy and his new wife is a great lass. Whilst at this wedding, which was a happy occasion and some of the most fun I've ever had at an event like this, I came away with several thoughts and points that ended up blowing around in my mind like a flurry of snowflakes or dandruff. Enjoy. - Is there a more awkward piece of clothing than a pair of suspenders? Is it possible to one day develop something even more difficult for a male to wear? Trying to get a pair on, let alone getting them on straight, requires the patience of Job and the agility of Spider-Man. - - While those asked to stand up are in fact standing up for the duration of the wedding service, could the bride and groom call on lesser friends to come up at times to prop the wedding party up after standing for so long? It's not like the service was hours long, but after perfecting my hobby of sitting down for days at a time, standing more than ten minutes wears me out like a 16-mile marathon. - - Why do most DJs look like ex-members of either Journey or Styx? Could they have been in those bands at some point? Is that why they play their music often? - - The Chicken Dance. The Hokey Pokey. The Locomotion. YMCA. I know giant tomes have been written on these immortal classics of the wedding reception world, but are there any greater times to witness white people actually getting whiter before your eyes? They go from fair-skinned to pale to albino to translucent within four or five dance steps. - - Extreme thanks to the best man and maid of honor for keeping their toasts relevant, applicable, touching, and short. All too often you hear stuff like, "Hey, Murph is a good friend. He stood by me in the difficult times like when...well, I'll just say the words 'turtle wax' and he knows what I mean." At that point four people riotously laugh while the 300-odd guests just smile blankly. Worse, the reference is never explained. Even worse is when it is explained, it's a story that's just plain dumb and you regret even showing interest in inquiring about it. You hate yourself and hope that you can remember where you put the receipt for the gift you bought them. - - While at the head table, is it proper etiquette to steal the roll of the person on your left or on the right? - - Aside from possibly previously dating the bride, is there a more awkward moment than standing up with a bridesmaid that you asked out at one point only to not have it work out? Not that I can speak from experience... - - How hard is it to find a garter? There's only two legs under there right? Unless...well, nevermind. In any case, wouldn't it be hilarious if the groom started pulling out umbrellas and ice skates and the like from the dress? I thought it'd be funny. - - Speaking of the garter toss, even if they didn't intend it, is there ever more of a moment that says, "Hey single losers! Want to be paraded in a circle of shame around the people who are going to get it on waaaay before you are?! Sure you do!" Well, besides the bouquet toss, I mean. - - While dancing with the bride, it's rarely a good move to ask, "So are you doing anything after the reception?" - - How much will the wedding photographer photograph? The one we had went through at least 584 rolls of film and then the actual ceremony began. Also, I am willing to debate anyone who says that you have to get a pictoral history of each course of the meal in order to fully appreciate the wedding day later. I ain't buying it. - - Rarely does anything else bring as much joy to a person as does hearing the words: "Open Bar". - - Don't you love the imagined power that comes from sitting at the head table? You feel as if you could point at someone and tell them to dance, and they'd have to obey or be thrown into the lions' den. Sure it can cause swelled heads and egos to grow to gargantuan levels if unchecked, but it's still fun. - Well, that's all for now from my world of keen observations and poor conclusions. I thoroughly enjoyed the wedding and being asked to stand up was a new challenge for me. I didn't pick up any women, but the groom did and that's great. Oh, and if any of you need someone to stand up for your wedding, feel free to give me a call. I'm a professional and will give you good rates, possibly the best in the business.

Name and Location:

Jake

Email:

lambrech@sccoast.net

Homepage:

don't have one

Question for Mark:

Why is a mouse when it spins?

Digression

100,000 hits! Wow. I am impressed. Thats almost as many hits as I get from women on any given day. Actually, that's not true. Sorry to have lead you on. I really don't have anything to digress about. But I can say that living in Myrtle Beach is very frustrating at times. I went down town to make a deposit at the bank and it took me almost an hour to get back because of the traffic. The bank is only 8-10 miles away. The fact that I do not have air conditioning in my car and the temperature is over 90 degrees only aggravated me all the more. I was sitting at an intersection with no traffic signal trying to make a left hand turn, and I saw traffic for miles almost bumper to bumper. Realizing I would never make the turn, I proceeded up the road a bit to the next light. There, in the left hand turn lane I saw 20 cars waiting. Obviously a few people had beaten me to the punch. So, I went up to the next left turn. No dice. Where on earth can I turn?! Would all these people just pack up and vacation someplace else!! Man. So I kept going. Then I noticed I had passed the "Welcome to Kansas" sign. This is ironic as I seemed to have missed Missouri and Tennessee due to my blinding rage. Why didn't I make a right hand turn and go around the block? Because there are no right hand turns on this highway. Yes, that's right, I was on a highway. Eventually, I just put my car out into the traffic, forced a man to brake hard, got the finger, and went on my merry way. Maybe the fact that I drive a Festiva leads people to repsect my rights on the road less, as opposed to if I had a Hummer or something. I find that every time I go into town I come back in a bad mood as a result of tourists, traffic, or heat. Today, I was a victim of all three. I have resolved to stop driving.....until tomorrow at least. Well, such is life. Jake

Name and Location:

Ben Wink, Germantown, WI

Email:

eminencefront@hotmail.com

Homepage:

Still none. Sorry for the inconvenience.

Question for Mark:

Mark, have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?

Digression

While I’m standing in my bedroom, looking out the apartment window at the older, semi-attractive lady who lives in the building across from mine, I wondered if life could get any better than this. There she was smoking and playing basketball with some boy that over the course of a year I deducted was her son, and missing every shot she took. Just being able to smoke successfully while engaging in an otherwise healthy bit of activity absolutely stuns me. What coordination! What an amazing athletic ability! I then wondered if I could at an age that hovers around forty would be able to play horse with my son and still take a puff at the same time. This is just one of the many opportunities I’ve had for insights and personal reflections I have gained through the apartment experience. I certainly wasn’t the first person to live in an apartment; judging by the condition of my place several hundred people have lived here in just the past five years alone. My thoughts certainly will show nothing new, but over the past few years, I have noticed several things and have observed a few tidbits that either amused me or horrified me beyond the point of ever having a normal life on this planet ever again. Here is an instance that sticks out in my mind. “If you wake up to the sound of obviously burly men in your kitchen, they must be involved with maintenance.” It is approximately 6:30 in the morning. I am restfully enjoying the land of slumber and dreams. Fairies and unicorns are leaping over canyons of chocolate-covered chocolate and for some reason the cast of Caddyshack is on the other side of one of the canyons beckoning me. Seeing Lacy Underall, I decide to leap over to join her outstretched arms with mine as she promised a Noonan-esque experience with her. I’m almost across when…BANG!! I sit bolt upright in my bed, fully awake and craning my head trying to hear better. (I, like most people, am stupid enough to believe that moving your head an extra three inches forward towards a sound after the fact will help you hear it better.) I think that whatever I heard must have been Judge Smails in my dream, sweeping the desk lamp with his arm because his disapproves of my interest in his niece Lacy, so I lay back down. Just then I hear muffled voices and the sound of tools clunking around. I freeze. The noise continues. I could tell that there were two of them. “What is going on?” I might have been heard telling myself rather quietly within my brain. Is someone trying to rob me and steal my plates and dishwashing detergent? Did the landlord let someone in to set up a surprise birthday party, which would be a true shock as my birthday was a good five months away? Are there assassins getting their weapons fully assembled and loaded in order to kill me because I had not used the envelope the power company sent me to pay my bill with and I used an envelope from my personal supply? What was going on? Creeping quietly out of bed and to the doorway, I got my ear closer to the door, because I wanted to hear better and I wanted to receive a knockout blow if they decided to kick in the door to get at me. Then I heard the voices talking about how bad my dishwasher was and I remembered. A week ago I told my landlady that my dishwasher was on the fritz. It was all right except for the fact that it didn’t use water. And while the prospect of not having clean dishes but instead a steady supply of heated dirty ones was rather appealing, I decided to inform the powers that be about it. So the maintenance guys just came in to fix the dishwasher at almost 7 in the morning without calling ahead or even bothering to ring my bell. How nice and charming to absolutely petrify me by coming in unannounced, forcing me to think about what kind of makeshift weapon I could make out of plastic hangers and several Calvin and Hobbes books in order to defend myself from possible hired guns. Aside from that, I hear one of the guys talking clearly, so he must not be under the sink, actually doing any work. Must be a union steward who signed a job contract that said he can’t work on Wednesdays through Sundays but pay him anyway. Anyway, he was spouting off about how all people around my age should be drafted in the armed services to fight terrorism in Afghanistan and how my generation had a complete disregard for everything on the planet and more words to that effect. “The draft’s what made kids back then turn into men and they learned personal responsibility!” was a phrase that leapt from his lips. I decided to give thoughtful consideration to what this man said. As he was an assistant to the head of maintenance with no real responsibilities aside from filled up the riding lawnmower with gas, he obviously knows exactly what he was talking about. After all, he’s made that great leap to become an assistant to a maintenance man. Absolutely stunning decision! He brings a lot of credence to the table after choosing a profession such as that! His high school guidance counselor must be beaming right now unable to contain himself from suggesting that one of his students would never have the ability to lead in the work of maintenance, but could possibly assist in it, and then having the student leap right into it! Incredible! Who wouldn’t regard every single word he says as some pearl of incredible wisdom? As you can tell, it peeved me. Of course I had to respect his words because I was at the time thinking that enlisting could be the only way I could curb my irresponsible tendencies that allowed for my dishwasher to malfunction. Sheesh. Oh, and these obviously wise men with terrific insights on life, managed to burst a water pipe and drenched my whole kitchen with three inches of water. But after they managed to throw out golden nuggets of knowledge, I accepted my fate as being a member of a totally immature generation as I waded through to my fridge. Godspeed, you sages of janitorial maintenance!

Name and Location:

Ben Wink, Germantown, WI

Email:

eminencefront@hotmail.com

Homepage:

Sadly, none.

Question for Mark:

He already answered the Mark S. Ehlke question for me.

Digression

Hello Mark and whoever is reading this! Boy, 100,000 hits? That's incredible! Of course there's probably an elite group of seven people that check up on this site every four minutes or so, thus causing 100,000 hits in a short amount of time. Anyway, let's digress, shall I? All righty then. Being American, I have no choice but to venture into the world of fast food. There is no other choice, you have to do so, as it says on that great piece of paper: the Constitution. Seen in the right light, that document resembles the best of menus, serving freedom left and right, with onion rings on the side. Those citizens that discourage these types of culinary fast food treats used to be called communists, but since the fall of the Iron Curtain, that's kind of antiquated, now isn't it? Let's just call them al-Qaida sympathizers and move on. So I'm doing my part for patriotism by going to that fine institution known as McDonald's. Hopefully my purchase on the dollar menu can boost a sagging economy. So I do through the drive-thru and get a couple McChickens and a large Coke. Granted, this won't bolster the economy dramatically, but I like to think that it went up a thousandth of a point because of me. (Imagine if I ordered fries as well; back into the black $$-wise, my friends!) I go back to work to eat my meal and as I begin to drink my beverage, I realize: THEY DIDN'T PUT A STRAW IN THE BAG! I was in complete denial and started rummaging around in the bag thinking that it must be like Mary Poppins satchel, bottomless and full of hope. This was not to be. There was no straw. Now this would not irritate me if I had a smaller beverage. By their nature the smaller cup is easier to handle and clumsier humans can navigate without worry of spillage. However, the 32 oz. of cold harsh unforgiving Coke is another story entirely. You might as well tie a bucket to my head and have me jog at the same time trying to drink, because the same amount of beverage will spill out. Frankly, it just ruins the day. You have to take off the safety cover and trust your own meager skills trying to suck soda out on your own without the aid of a plastic tube. As this was during my lunch hour and the restaurants in the area are quite far away, I had to live with it. Are there things in life that can get more irritating than that? Well, I mean besides the counter people filling your cup to the absolute brim and you have to pull off trying to get the straw into the top without spilling huge amounts while driving at the same time. While not quite as bad, it can snowball into eventually spilling enough beverage to come up to your windows. And I can just hear some whiny healthy eater say, "Well why do you even go there in the first place? They're not healthy for you!" Hey, shut it, you commie! Don't you love America?!

Name:

Mark

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

I put this here so you can submit a question for the FAQ section

Digression

By all means, digress.

Name:

Mark Ehlke/Wisconsin

Email:

ehlkemd@hotmail.com

Homepage:

www.thecabbage.com

Comments

I am testing this script out right now. Please work, you stupid moron. i hope it works...