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---

Name and Location:

Nate Smith Rapid City, SD

Email:

natosmith@hotmail.com

Homepage:

Front living room, bookshelf, page 37 of Shut Up and Sing by Laura Ingraham

Question for Mark:

What it the correct usage of; the semicolon?

Digression

Hello, I would just like to say that Mike Smith is my younger brother. (See reference in Mark's March 1, 2005 rant) Hi Mark, Nate

---

Name and Location:

Brett/Appleton

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Digression

Drew Rosenhaus is the worst thing that has happened to sports since the American League allowed designated hitters in 1973.

---

Name and Location:

Mark in Milwaukee

Email:

Homepage:

this one

Question for Mark:

Who do you think you are?

Digression

I'm too lazy to go into the HTML and digress under my own page so I'll do it here. To answer Scott's question: If a cricket chirps on a website and nobody's there to hear it, does it show up in the source code? I'm going to NM and AZ with a beautiful woman; that ain't bad. I just have to get through the next couple of hours of graduation service and report card handing out and being nice to parents and visitors and then I've got inservice tomorrow morning for a few hours. Oh, and I've got to get ready for my trip...I don't think I'll sleep tonight. But that's okay. bye

---

Name and Location:

Scott

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Am I the only one that hears crickets chirping when I visit this site?

Digression

Wow it has been quiet here. I know your training to become the best softball player ever consumes a lot of your time these days, but I thought you'd at least make a comment or two.

---

Name and Location:

Mark

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Digression

I still love you, Brett.

---

Name and Location:

Mark

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Digression

I still love you, Brett.

---

Name and Location:

Brett

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Digression

This site is almost as lonely as my life.

---

Name and Location:

Brett

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Digression

This site is almost as lonely as my life.

---

Name and Location:

Mark

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Digression

Happy Birthday, Mark.

---

Name and Location:

Grandma Ehlke/Appleton

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Do you feel older? When are you going to see your new nephew?

Digression

Happy Birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday to Mark, happy birthday to you. Don't forget to thank your grandmother for the birthday greetings she sent to you!

---

Name and Location:

Brett

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Digression

Happy birthday, Mark.

---

Name and Location:

Mark

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Digression

Happy Birthday, Braden.

---

Name and Location:

Mark

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Digression

Happy Birthday, Tom.

---

Name and Location:

Brett

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Digression

Happy birthday, Scott.

---

Name and Location:

Mark

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Digression

I have a place for beer. Brett, I love you.

---

Name and Location:

Brett

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Digression

I have beer.

---

Name and Location:

Mark

Email:

Homepage:

right here, baby

Question for Mark:

Do you ever get jealous of yourself?

Digression

Yes, happy birthday, Josh. When are you going to be home for Easter? Not like you read this or anything but this way it looks like I'm trying.

---

Name and Location:

Brett/New Ulm

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Digression

Happy birthday, Josh.

---

Name and Location:

Brett

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Digression

It was the game before the championship.

---

Name and Location:

Mark in Milwaukee

Email:

ehlkemd@hotmail.com

Homepage:

this one

Question for Mark:

Why haven't you finished the dishes yet?

Mark's reply:  It's a delicate balance of apathy and laziness.

Digression

My digressions page is down, in case you haven't figured it out yet. I'm planning on doing a little Spring-cleaning with it when I get a chance and/or when I am completely bored. I want to apologize to my legions of fans out there. But this by no means means that your means of digressing is down; so feel free to digress.

---

Name and Location:

Paul / St. Croix School for kids who want to learn to read good and do other stuff good too

Email:

prodigalson@outofworkpseudoteacher.org

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Is a digression a digression if I'm not complaining about anything?

Mark's reply:  It can be.  I'm going to digress now, but I have nothing to complain about at the moment.

Digression

I'm going to Miami in March, and to Europe this summer. Yes, I am selling drugs to finance my travels -- in case you were wondering. In case you are a law-enforcement officer reading this, the previous comment about selling drugs was a joke.

---

Name and Location:

Ted Williams/ in a freezer

Email:

splendid_splinter@redsoxrule.com

Homepage:

www.damntheyankess.com

Question for Mark:

Digression

I think it's time for you to change your Mr. Trite-Conversation-Starter-of-the-Week.

---

Name and Location:

Scott/Here

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Really for Brett, but Mark may answer too: Brett, you're saying Mark learned everything from you? Holding hands, cuddling, kissing? Wow... that explains a lot.

Mark's reply:  I really should shut this thing down now.

Digression

Usually it's Mom that teaches those things...

---

Name and Location:

Brett

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Digression

That's because he's learned everything from me.

---

Name and Location:

Paul

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Digression

Dr. Love is getting schooled by an average-looking, underpaid, socially-inept, and Peter Gabriel-obsessed teacher from Milwaukee. Way to go Mark.

Mark's reply:  I'm underpaid?  Crap.

---

Name and Location:

Kathie: At home as usual... too large to get out of the house.

Email:

I have no idea. My husband keeps changing things around.

Homepage:

What's a homepage? Please say it doesn't have to be built / installed / hung / wired / painted / insulated / inspected etc... before April!

Question for Mark:

When can I put you down to babysit?

Mark's reply:  Whenever you want; you know I don't mind watching Scott once in a while.  

Digression

I use our computer for only three things… shopping, e-mail (that I rarely respond to) and solitaire. And now I’m on the verge of rendering this contraption even more useless by no longer shopping. There is too much information out there and it’s giving me a “bad mom” complex. I have been tirelessly searching the internet for the very best baby products I can find. Evidently I have the knack of choosing only things that other more experienced parents describe as: “a waste of money” “the stupidest thing ever designed for a child” “able to sever limbs if not closely monitored” “can easily tip over” etc… etc… etc… Then if I actually register for something that will not cause irreconcilable harm, the next time I go to the store they have completely changed the models/styles/products and I have to start all over. I’m not a dumb person really! I actually have a masters degree but this is the most complicated thing I’ve ever done. Mary had the right idea: manger, some hay and swaddling cloths. That’s it!

---

Name and Location:

Scott/Work (where else?)

Email:

Not disclosed due to recent SPAM attacks on this site.

Homepage:

http://www.scambusters.org/stopspam/

Question for Mark:

Does the fact that your web site has been hit by a rash of spam rants (as opposed to ranting spams) mean that the cabbage is now 'big time?'

Digression

It is truly a sad, sad day when the likes of The Cabbage are no longer immune from the ever expanding world of useless crap that the spammers hurl in our general direction. who goes to these sites anyway? I mean the spam sites, not The Cabbage, everyone goes to the cabbage! (or should)

---

Name and Location:

The same old lady in Appleton

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

What does non-WELSian mean? Should I worry?

Mark's reply:  I'm sure that I don't know.

Digression

All of you will be home for my birthday (except for No 1 son, who will be in pain). We are going out to eat Saturday night. I'm agree that Tom would say "Tony," especially since he's never seen the Sopranos!

---

Name and Location:

Brett

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Who would win in a fight: Tony Soprano or Tony Scali?

Mark's reply:  I think that's the greatest question ever asked.

Tom's reply:  Tony.

Digression

My answer would be my commish, Tony Scali.

---

Name and Location:

Paul

Email:

Homepage:

www.whoopdefreakingdo.com

Question for Mark:

Why are depressed people the best humorists?

Mark's reply:  I wouldn't know; I have absolutely nothing to be depressed about.  Well, besides the fact that I'm a banally unattractive dateless wonder whose fat  non-bathing non-grooming balding little brother has a hot WELS yet non-WELSian girlfriend.  

Digression

The less I try, the better of a job people think I am doing. People are stupid. In addition, the more I whine, the more people think I care. People are stupid.

---

Name and Location:

An Old Lady In Appleton

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Sometime will you call your mom?

Mark's reply:  I call my mom lots of things.  By the way, it turns out we do not have a tourney this Saturday (it's apparently a B-team tournament and we felt it wouldn't be right to send our starting A-team) so I might come home either Friday late or Saturday during the morning.  What's the plan?

Digression

Happy Birthday to Brett. My baby is 21!

---

Name and Location:

Brett

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Digression

One more thing: Isn't it sad that the NFL fines a player $30,000 for taking out a cell phone after scoring a TD but yet fines another player only $10,000 for making an obscene gesture to the crowd?

---

Name and Location:

Brett/New Ulm

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Digression

Happy birthday to me. Paul, I have your dad for class. I've got nothing else.

---

Name and Location:

Ben Wink, Fond du Lac, WI

Email:

eminencefront@hotmail.com

Homepage:

www.everybodywangchungtonight.com

Question for Mark:

Mark, what's your dream?

Mark's reply:  My dream is that I end up being a single, incompetent WELS teacher who has absolutely no control over his classroom and who spends some of his free time being an incompetent coach.  That and having everyone hate me.  Dream fulfilled!

Digression

Yes, it was me. I was visitor #1240. I know that you're all wondering who it was and I can now say with a confidence similar in nature to how Carson would say a monologue, that it was me. How about that Johnny, eh? I just heard that Leno was going to be stepping down as sort of host of The Tonight Show in the next few years. Amazing that he's been there OVER TEN YEARS NOW, isn't it? All the drama that went on between him and Letterman vying for that gig and it is over a decade old now. Has Jay ever stepped out of Carson's shadow? Ever? Nope. Not even close. I think the audience sticks around hoping for Johnny to make a guest hosting appearance, but all this time: no dice. It's kind of like watching TV only because you never know when the next Lee Harvey Oswald prison transfer is going to be aired or when the next Al Cowling taking a leisurely drive in L.A. televisual feast will occur. I was rewatching my best of Carson DVD set and alls I can say is that Jay should've quit as soon as he heard that Dave was interested in the job. The only good thing that came of the entire Jay/Dave/Tonight War is Conan O'Brien. That's it. Oh and Dave's show managed to get better still, despite shingles and heart surgery and babies and everything, Dave is still the best. But as long as Jay is thinking about tanking, give Dave the show or better still: GET JOHNNY BACK! Hip young audience wouldn't go for it? Good! You see, here's my theory: as the Baby Boomers gray across this great land of ours, making Social Security irrelevant for the rest of us, they are THE huge TV audience. They're the TV generation! Go for that demographic! Just because they're in their 40s and 50s and 60s doesn't mean they don't like buying things. They love the concept of buying things in general! Go for them and let the teeny whiners have their 612,890 OTHER shows on TV. Give Johnny the 11:30 time slot on weeknights on the growing irrelevant everyday networks. These Boomers grew up with Carson and unfortunately he left before I could really get into him. But what I could watch growing up is a warm memory. I was the only one in my 8th grade class that was saddened by his leaving. And watching his ease in front of the camera whilst poring over these Best Ofs, I get depressed because I remember that the networks encouraged his leaving because they viewed Arsenio as the next great thing. That's right: ARSENIO HALL. Ahem. Well I think we all see where that went. The same place that M.C. Hammer pants and Brian Bosworth's film career went: STRAIGHT INTO THE BOWELS OF HELL ITSELF. Which, dear reader, is a good thing, remember that. So Mr. NBC, as I know you're an avid Cabbage-related website reader, bring back Karnak. Bring back Joan Emery. Bring back Hy-YO! Where's Doc? Where's Ed? Where's the "HOW (BLANK) WAS IT?" audience responses? And most importantly, WHERE'S JOHNNNNNNNNNNY??!?!?!?

---

Name and Location:

Paul

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

What's up?

Mark’s reply:  Well, that depends on how you look at it. Down for us is up for most of the world's population, so I guess I'd say my shoes.

Digression

If only you belonged to a cult that believed the dead stay with us, then you wouldn't die lonely, you'd just join the well-populated ethereal invisible cloud of the living dead that is around us right now keeping us company - ha.

---

Name and Location:

Brett/New Ulm

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Digression

I've noticed a sad trend here at MLC: Whenever the Packers win on Sunday, I notice a few people wearing Packer apparel on the following Monday; however, when the Packers lose on Sunday, I never see anyone sporting a Packer jersey, shirt, hat, or suspenders.

Name and Location:

Paul

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Are you dead?

Mark's reply:  Well, my social life is, but other than that, I'm all too alive.  I shall digress soon on my page.

Digression

Ben, thanks for the advice. I plan to follow your prescription this evening.

Name and Location:

Ben Wink

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Digression

Forgive the "you're/your" error. I apologize. I was tired, but irregardless, that's not an excuse.

Name and Location:

Ben Wink, Fond du Lac, WI

Email:

eminencefront@hotmail.com

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Mark? Nevermind.

Mark’s reply:  okay.

Digression

Paul, if I may call you Paul, I know you're question was for Mark, but allow me to throw out an answer to relieve teaching madness. Alcohol. Be sure to support your local alcohol establishment! This message has been brought to you by your Local Booze Council, who urge all people of all ages to indulge! Booze, it's what replaces dinner!

Name and Location:

Paul

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

How do you keep a teacher from going insane?

Mark’s reply:  I follow Ben’s advice above.

Digression

I've gone mad.

Name and Location:

Ben Wink

Email:

eminencefront@hotmail.com

Homepage:

www.pantsareoptional.com

Question for Mark:

Mark, if you were going to take over the world in a villainous way, what would your caper be? You know, something so big that you'd have to call in the entire Justice League because Superman alone couldn't handle it alone-type of scheme?

Mark’s reply:  The wheels are already turning, my friend.

Digression

Well seeing as how Brett has managed to have all the glory of being No. 1,000 to view Mark's digression arena, I think we should all pause and reflect for a moment. Ahhhh....that's nice isn't it? Oh so peaceful.... Anyway, now that the moment of peace is over, let's all give Brett a great big hand for taking the time to sit there for several hours refreshing the page until the odometer rolled around to one grand. Kudos to you, Mr. Ehlke! So is there anything that has been sticking in my craw as of late? Well why else would someone be here on these pages? So here's some random utterings of nonsense for those 11 people that are starving for some kind of new material within this electronic superhighway nether-region. I have a new person on this planet that deserves my daggers of loathing. This isn't a specific person, but a general type of person. You see them all over at this time of the year. They are the "men" that wear those flimsy gray scarves everytime they go out. At best these articles of clothing keep someone warm as well as any moist cocktail napkin. At worst, they can't even swab up all the blood that comes from the severe injuries that I wish to commit on their scrawny, espress-drinking, sneering, rather preppy, and insignifcant asses. You know these types. They ENJOY Native American tribal dances. They go to art museums in order to hold their hands contemplatively on their chins whilst looking at a Monet and say, "Hmmmmmm...." at the same time. They can't have doughnuts because croissants are the ONLY pastries on this green earth worth touching their lips. They watch foreign films without subtitles, even though they don't speak the languages represented, because "the film should communicate beyond such petty boundaries such as language". Now maybe it is my fault for having been in several Barnes & Noble stores within a short amount of time and therefore have seen these "men" in abundance. And yes, it is only the guys. The ladies there and anywhere can wear any number of scarves and I won't bat an eyelash regarding their safeguards against the weather. After all, I've surmised that women have a lower resistance level to colder weather. Guys can get down to a t-shirt in 20 degree weather and think that it's just a trifle brisk outside but tolerable. Women want to start burning furniture once the thermometer reads below 60. I'm not saying that women are weaker in this regard, personally I think that they're wired to be smarter in regard to avoiding hypothermia. But what is the purpose of this washcloth/scarf that these little she-males are wearing during the winter? Am I missing something? What drives me even crazier is when they bother to actually throw this flimsy thing around their necks when outside. This is not a woolen scarf that can actually protect your neck from up to 0 degrees Kelvin outside, it is a glorified Wet-Nap. This is a doily, give it up. Put down the volume of your poetry that you bring with you into the Starbucks in order to attract attention and get rid of the scarf. And one final unrelated point from this evening. I went to go see the W.C. Fields film "Million Dollar Legs" tonight and before they started the flick they were playing a Jimmy Durante radio broadcast over the theater speakers. While I'm listening, the guy behind to the left mentions that the last time he ever saw Jimmy Durante on TV was on some date in 1967 on the Smothers Brothers show. He mentioned the EXACT date. THE EXACT DATE for something that wasn't even close in significance to say Kennedy being shot, the Challenger exploding, your children being born, or even the first day you realized that Whitney Houston wasn't that attractive or talented. He didn't sound like Rain Man or Mr. Spock, so I go into this flick completely bothered by wondering why in heaven's nomenclature this schmuck would know the EXACT date he last saw Jimmy Durante on TV. I mean I have a great many interests and hobbies and loves when it comes to the entertainment industry but I'll be hanged if I can remember the exact day I first watched the cartoon MASK on TV or the day that I first heard the greatest band in the world, Huey Lewis & The News, or the day that I saw a movie that starred Humphrey Bogart where he DIDN'T smoke. I bet this guy was wearing on of those flimsy scarflettes in the darkened theater too. "Oh well, I mean I'm just a casual fan, you know. *sniff* But I can remember the last time I heard the Cheap Trick Live At Budokan album. Cold in here isn't it? Anyway, it was on October 18th, 1993 at 5:42 PM. Brrr...chilly. Are you finished with your croissant?"

Name and Location:

Brett

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Digression

I'm lucky 1000!

Name and Location:

Brett/New Ulm

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Digression

Congratulations to Brett Krause and Michelle Marks who were engaged on November 15, 2004.

Name and Location:

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Where are you?

Mark’s reply:  In the State of Denial.

Digression

Name and Location:

Dr. Love / A state of disbelief

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Will Kerry pull a Gore and recant his concession?

Mark’s reply:  Yes.  I mean no.  I said he would before I said he wouldn’t.

Digression

I can't believe Kerry is conceding without a fight. Maybe he knows the negative impact for the democratic party's image of two consecutive drawn-out disputed elections. Kerry showed some class; Dr. Love is mildly impressed. Edwards, on the other hand, is a little lawyer punk. "We're gonna fight this till the end...blah blah blah." I can almost imagine Kerry slapping Edwards upside the head in a cartoon-like manner and saying "Shut up your mouth!"

Name and Location:

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Digression

Packers are the greatest team ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mark's reply:  Yes.  Yes, they are.

Name and Location:

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Digression

You're not going to pull a Fredo, are you?

Mark's reply:  There's no place for talk like that here.

Name and Location:

Brett

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Digression

The true test is tomorrow: We are watching GF 1, and she has never seen it.

Name and Location:

Brett/New Ulm

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Who needs illusion of love and affection when you're out walking in the streets with your mainline connection?

Mark's reply:  Rael certainly didn't and neither do I.

 

Digression

Dr. Love, you will always remain the master in my book. Now what's all this talk about a woman? Are you prescribing yourself some of your own medicine? Scott, the only reason I'm bringing Lori home for Thanksgiving is because she has nowhere else to go. I just hope I'm not forced to do the prayer. And let's not be too hasty; Thanksgiving is still over a month away. There's still plenty of time for her to break-up with me. By the way, it's steak night tonight. I'm going to read Billy Miller's editorial, "Crap! I Missed Steak Night!," to get in the mood.  (Read it here.)

Name and Location:

Scott/Work (where else?)

Email:

sehlke@wi.rr.com

Homepage:

www.homestarrunner.com (it's Dot Net)

Question for Mark:

If Buck is 'The Snow Dog', wouldn't your new dog have to be the enemy of Buck to be called By-Tor? That doesn't seem to be the kind of situation you'd like to foster in your dogs. And what the heck is are the Tobes of Hell anyway?

Mark's reply:  No.  I don't know, but is that where you got the name "Toby"?  Perhaps I should use the name "Geddy."  I'm watching the ALCS game and just saw a boy wrapping his head in plastic wrap...that's good thinking.

Digression

I think I've digressed quite a bit in my question already. However, I did wanted to point out that I am in fact NOT pregnant. My wife is pregnant. I know you probably don't have a lot of knowledge of how that whole process works, so I thought I might help clear it up for you and the others that are without woman. Can you believe Brett is actually brave enough to bring a woman home for Thansgiving?

Mark's reply:  I'll believe it when I see it.  I assumed the role of older, wiser, more cynical brother by telling him that she is probably with him now because he's different than other guys, but that soon enough she'll grow tired of him and dump him for no apparent reason and that he'll end up going temporarily (in)sane and drive to South Dakota and his car will break down and the only solace he'll find in the weeks following will be to get drunk at his brother's bachelor party.  Wait a minute...is Josh getting married?  

Name and Location:

Dr. Love / A Short Week

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Digression

Yes, I bought the pie scooper and spatula for her. She liked them. I am happy.

Mark's reply:  Then I am happy.  My advice is to watch out for her; teachers are crazy.

Name and Location:

Dr. Love / Hovering in the Stratosphere

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Mark's reply:  I fixed your spelling.  How can a poor-spelling high school English teacher get a girlfriend and I can't?  No, I'm not bitter.  Happy birthday.  Did you get the spatula and pie server?

Digression

Brett, Kudos on your "relationship," I hope it goes well. Although Mark is playing the part of cynic and pessimist, I know he's really happy for you. He has to be; what else could cover up layers upon layers of jealousy toward his more successful (you did have the privilege of attending the WLS Symposium) and better looking brother? At any rate, the student truly has become the master -- both to your brother, and, what is far more impressive, to me, Dr. Love. Well played, well played indeed. Respectfully submitted, Dr. Love

Name and Location:

Brett/New Ulm

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

How's Buck? I miss him.

Digression

I am the 687th visitor to Mark D.'s Daily Digressions. I'm tired.

Name and Location:

Ben Wink, Fond du Lac, WI

Email:

eminencefront@hotmail.com

Homepage:

www.thosefewvetsthatarestillundecidedaboutkerry.com

Question for Mark:

Mark, what is love?

Digression

Ah, hello to all of you out there in this nation of digression. I just wanted to point out that I was the 600th person that looked at Mark's digression area! It was me! I was also the 601st person because I backed up and went forward again just to watch the number change over. So, in your face! O' course Marky Mark hasn't digressed in about a month and frankly kids, I'm getting a little worried about him. Sure I know that the school year is in full swing and what teacher wouldn't be overcome with glee about that? Besides just about every teacher I've ever known or heard about, I mean. Nothing really new to speak about or even bring up in a snide aside. Kind of sad really. Just watched FahrenHYPE 9/11, which if you haven't heard is the reply to Michael Moore's film from the other side of the fence. Personally I think they should be sold together in a budget pack, but that's me. I mean if they can combine Police Academy and Vacation into a 2-pack, why not? If you watch both films back to back, which I recommend, you eventually get so numb to your surroundings you'll be praying for the 2nd Mutant Turtles sequel to pop into the DVD player. I have seen Moore's film and amazingly so many conservatives that I've talked have not. I am conservative, after all, look at how many polo shirts of the same color I own, and I decided to venture into enemy territory to see the flick. After telling some that I had seen it, they were outraged and angered with me to the point that they must've thought that I had funded it in some way or that I was so liberal I was committing partial-birth abortions on the front lawn while cars passed by in the morning. Frankly, I wanted to see this P.O.V. and therefore better equip my own opposing viewpoint towards it. Because if one is so passionate about something and then doesn't take the time to read, see, watch the other viewpoint that is being opposed, their opinions on the subject are useless and without merit. At least the person you're arguing with will think so. Besides, to use a tagline from The Last House On The Left: "Just Keep Telling Yourself...It's Only A Movie, It's Only A Movie, It's Only A Movie..." I have seen better organized propaganda films, Triumph Of The Will springs to mind. I have seen better political documentaries, The Trials Of Henry Kissinger comes to mind. The best form of protest in the entertainment world is to just walk away and ignore the source of controversy. Ratings slump, sponsorships dry up, cancellation occurs. What a better and more intelligent way to deal with these entertainment hiccups in the world than immediately getting a placard and walking in front of a theater in an endless circle of protestation therefore drawing more attention and revenue to the project. And I admit that the controversy lured me into buying a ticket, I know. But I took the chance, I walked into the theater, I watched someone that was amazing in film technique and manipulation and in that regard, I got what I paid for. Do I agree with his politics? Nope. No. Not a chance. But he can use film in a very powerful way. Reactions were provoked and attitudes were established. But golly people just can't stop talking about Michael Moore. And as this takes up valuable time where people could actually be talking about the issues, then I guess the goals of his film have been accomplished: people are talking about HIM. Toodles, Ben

Name and Location:

Nathan R. Ossmann, Kimberly, WI

Email:

ossmanns@yahoo.com

Homepage:

www.geocities.com/ossmanns

Question for Mark:

Why is "prog" rock so named? Quite frankly, I don't really recognize all that much artistic "progression" in my personal favorite prog bands such as Metallica, Lynrd Skynrd, and the Backstreet Boys. What gives?

Mark's reply: Thanks for the kind words below, first of all.  To answer your question, I happen to think that you may be a bit confused as to what constitutes a "progressive rock" band.  Although, after reading your relatively obscure reference to some of Brian Eno's work, I'm not so sure.  I really would like to write something funny, but I don't joke around when it comes to progressive rock.  I just can't do it.  Leave me alone!  "All you progressive hypocrites, handing out your trash.  It was mine in the first place, so I burned it to ash!"  By the way, for anyone reading this, The Musical Box (www.themusicalbox.net) is playing in Milwaukee on Oct. 20-21 at the Pabst Theater.  They're also playing in Chicago on the 22nd.  I, of course, am going to all three shows.  Then I can die.  They're recreating the Lamb Lies Down on Broadway tour.  I saw them for the Selling England tour...unbelievable!  Anyone who has any worth would want to see these guys.  If you don't go, it means you're ignorant.  If you do go and don't like it, it means you're both ignorant and stupid.  If you don't go because you don't want to go, it means that you're a completely worthless human being.  If you don't go, but want to go, but are bed-ridden with a terminal disease, you still don't have a very good excuse.  

Digression

So here I am, at the downtown Appleton, WI City Center mall mooching off their wireless Internet on my wife's new work laptop for the very first time, and, in a Yahoo! search for other "Appleton, WI wireless hotspots" I am met with the link to the website for the Copper Rock Coffee Company, 'webmastered' by yours truly, the one and only Mark D. Ehlke, formerly an acquaintance of mine--a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away. Delving deeper, I am further greeted (in a nod to unashamed and unabashed shameless self-promotion) with a link to the personal website of said Mr. Ehlke, who seems to have, if nothing else, an incredible amount of spare time on his hands. Good thing he's using it only to help the forces of good, which, in this case, is his life-long ongoing supremely noble cause of indoctrinating unsuspecting lesser mind forms (i.e. his students) to the love of what is known only to him as the "early days" of Genesis--well before Phil Collins left his talentless cohorts for his historic, glorious years of incubation at Disney, and only shortly before Peter Gabriel "hooked up" (whatever that means) with Brian Eno and made Music in an Airport Terminal, or something like that. Point is: I am tickled to be able to make a lasting contribution to this, the most immortal offshoot of the venerable MLC "Cabbage"-days, and trust that, as long as people continue to nod and smile politely every time Mark brings up the genius of King Crimson in polite conversation, he will not become too discouraged and creative enterprises such as this one will continue, for the benefit of all who care. Including me! Thanks Mark--I wish you the best!

Name and Location:

Nathan R. Ossmann, Kimberly, WI

Email:

ossmanns@yahoo.com

Homepage:

www.geocities.com/ossmanns

Question for Mark:

Why are so many MLC-ites doing so many different things with their lives--except teaching in WELS schools?

Mark's reply:  What are they doing?  Can we get some examples?  I personally don't see any reason why any WELS teachers would quit or go on to some other career?  I mean, I'm perfectly happy where I am right now--taking a 5 minute break to write this as my clock here in my classroom approaches midnight.  Plus, all this overtime is tax-free; I don't have to report any of it to the IRS.  Better get back to work now so I have plenty of time to coach girls basketball all weekend instead of going golfing or doing something non-school related.  Again, I can't see why anyone wouldn't want my job.

Digression

Name and Location:

Brett, New Ulm

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

When should I arrive on Saturday? Should I invite Jeff over for the game on Sunday?

Mark's reply:  Done and done.  Jeff Schone?

Digression

At least they buckled down after the first quarter, and only gave up 24 points in the next three. Ah, crap.

Name and Location:

Paul

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Why aren't you coaching the Packers D, or at least playing D-back?

Mark's reply:  It hurt not having Mike or Carrol.  Did you see the other guestbook lately?  Somebody's really got some balls to write what he/she did.

Digression

Stupid Packers defense

Name and Location:

Katie / Madison, WI

Email:

sotolar@wisc.edu

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Were you to have sex with a national landmark (American or Canadian, given that marrying it was legal and you'd done so), which would it be and why?

Mark's reply:  Well, I'm not really into the whole cross-cultural thing, so I suppose my inanimate friends to the north would be out.  As for Americans, is Rebecca Stamos considered a landmark?  I know that her husband is, especially after his stint on Full House...

Digression

My first digression...where to begin? A bit of background on myself, perhaps, would be a good jumping-off point. I'm currently a freshman at UW-Madison. In May, I graduated from MLHS in Manitowoc. It was during my sophomore year at MLHS that I met the then-titled "Mr." Ehlke who I referred to as the Ehlkster or Marky D.. We had a volatile relationship, struggling to retain control of the classroom. It was, however, a rivalry I greatly enjoyed. Marky D. and I had our ups (lively political debates in Government) and our downs (his crying fit in Religion, or when he banished me from Religion for insighting arguments); overall, though, my Ehlke-packed year was a highlight in an otherwise bleak high school career. So I suppose I just wanted to say thanks for making my sophomore year not entirely horrible. Also, I've greatly enjoyed following the digressions (both yours and those of your guests).

Name and Location:

Dr. Love/ Northwoods shanty

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Fine Mark (you big crybaby), How has your romance life been lately?

Digression

I

Name and Location:

Mom Ehlke

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

If you're the 2nd most atttractive, maybe Joy is the first!

Digression

Name and Location:

Brett, New Ulm

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Digression

Mark, A.J. Kruse and Freddie both say that you are the 2nd most attractive Ehlke. I guess that means Tom's number one.

Name and Location:

Brett Ehlke, New Ulm

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Digression

The night went really well. I made tacos at her place (kind of a risky move because I had never made tacos before), and then we watched a movie. We have another date this Saturday so I owe it all to you, Dr. Love.

Name and Location:

Dr. Love -- Springfield, ?

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

actually for Brett: How'd the other night go?

Mark's reply:  This forum is not for discussing my better-looking brother's romantic adventures.

Digression

Name and Location:

Brett, New Ulm

Email:

ehlkeba@hotmail.com

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

What kind of deodorant do you use?

Mark's reply:  Deodorant?

Digression

McKenzie is back.

Name and Location:

Paul Mattek, West Saint Paul, MN

Email:

you know it by now

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

When are you going to digress again? My life loses meaning every time I see the site bereft of new digressions.

Mark's reply:  I will try to digress this weekend.  Your life must be more pathetic than mine.

Digression

I am tired. I never noticed before that the submit button has an ! on it.

Name and Location:

Ben Wink, Fond du Lac, WI

Email:

eminencefront@hotmail.com

Homepage:

www.ahscrewit,Ican'tthinkofanythingfunny.com

Question for Mark:

Mark, what kind of fishing lure would you recommend for early spring? Is it better to use Crisco or Pam to grease up? And how are they when you use them for actual cooking?

Mark's reply:  I like the old spinner bait for the cool spring waters.  I only grease up a few things and lures ain't one of them.  I prefer butter.

Digression

Satan! Boy, you old son of a so-and-so! I knew that sooner or later you'd be making an appearance on these pages. Since Friends went off the air, I guess you're looking for a new project to executive produce now, eh? After all, of all people, you'd think that Beelzebub would need to digress once in a while, given his situation. I mean it doesn't seem all to promising for him does it? Good thing he's using his chance to digress on these pages. After all it must be rather boring listening to Hitler down in the hoary netherworld. "Sure 'Dolf. Sure, the Aryan section is just under construction right now. We'll be separating you soon enough. Man, don't you ever let up?" Ahahahah! Boy the kooky adventures that must happen in that eternal torment, being separated from the presence of God and all. Whew! Oh, and by the way, thanks for sticking it in there even though you know that your situation is pretty hopeless. What a model of stick-it-to-itiveness. By the by, I repelled your agents the last time we tussled. That's right, Sprint PCS won't get me again! HAH! So there O Horned One! And is it a dry heat down there? Then again, a humid hell would be even worse torment I'd think. Kind of like being stuck in Courtland, MN for a decade of Julys with no hope of getting out and the bars have all been closed. YIKES! All that's left on the store shelves is sparkling mineral water and salt licks. And no, dear reader I am not of the devil, but I would love to have his agent. He's responsible for so many careers as of late, that I'd be a shoo-in. I mean honestly: would Jet have even been let near a recording studio without the Dark One's help? "What we're looking for is a bunch of guys that look like Rolling Stones roadies from the Black and Blue '76 tour to get together and play an arrangement of Iggy Pop and the Stooges tunes. But where to find them...?" Look at Ashton Kutcher's popularity. Need I say more? That's all for now, but gosh it was good to talk to you, Mephistopheles! Won't be seeing you anytime soon. Bub-bye!

Name and Location:

Satan, Third ring of hell

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

When are you going to come visit...

Mark's reply:  I think the devil needs to work on his punctuation.

Digression

Dear poor pathetic human, I have seen the future and the past. The time is now for you to become what you know what you must be. Your soul is open to me, I can see your fear of life, you must accept the mantle of leadership for yourself. When next we speak you will not know me,but that didn't stop you before. You must take heed, their coming for me, I must leave, Fair thee well and see you soon.

Name and Location:

Paul Mattek, West Saint Paul, MN

Email:

pmattek@sclhs.org

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

How many presidents have you met?

Mark's reply:  About as many logically thinking girls as I've encountered.

Digression

You're answer to my last question was great, thanx.

Name and Location:

Ben Wink, Fond du Lac, WI

Email:

eminencefront@hotmail.com

Homepage:

www.crabfrostedflakes.com

Question for Mark:

Mark (optional), is it OK if I do this, even though I said I wouldn't in the future? Oh, and could you have a regular recipe page? Oh, and a pictures page with all of the beautiful women that want to date you like mad?

Mark's reply:  yes, no, yes, in no particular order.

Digression

Well hello and good morning to the lot of you! Of course it's Friday! Thank goodness for the weekend, eh? I can take two days off and do whatever I darn well want to do. Whew! Well, I needed the break. Thanks to all those that sent their birthday wishes to me. Much thanks indeed. I realize that chances are it was coerced and you fell into my little trap of supposed guilt. AHA! I still got it! Of course there were those that didn't say a thing and that's fine with me. I suppose. I mean it's not like I ask for much anyway. It's just a struggle some days to even get up to face the world. What's the point?! I mean each minute of each hour of each day I try to think of reasons why I shouldn't take the gas pipe, and some little shred of recognition would go a loooooong way, but noooooooo... My birth doesn't bring forth response, why should my horrendous self-inflicted and gruesome death by bludgeoning be any different? Oh and don't worry about the self-bludgeoning, I can manage just fine! It's not like any of you would help anyway. Darn spoilsports! Oh, and I can't take the gas pipe as the stove is electric, but never you mind that! But enough fun, last night I had the fortune to be with my father to witness the Milwaukee Brewers battle with the Chicago Cubs at Miller Park. Oh what sweet memories this brings! My years of playing in the backyard and then the t-ball and Little League play. Soon I was seen by a scout and played AA ball for a number of years before being called up to the bigs. And just then as I was gaining momentum, the war broke out and I was drafted. After three years of killing and bombing, I returned to the game that meant so much to me as a child. But after seeing people being ripped in half by mortar fire, their gory entrails splashing all over my rosy-cheeked countenance, I realized that this game, baseball, was more than just a game. It was a path. A way of life. That's right...a chance to make more money for doing relatively nothing in the light of the big picture of human existance!!! Wow. There are many things that are wrong in the above paragraph. All right, fine, I never played t-ball, I was naturally gifted and never needed to play it. Boy, you nitpicking muckrakers! My father called in to a Fond du Lac radio station and reserved two seats to the game. We would go down to Milwaukee on a rented coach bus, with plenty of food and drink, watch the game with food and drink, and then go home with drinks and more drinks. While this sounded ideal at the time, the buzz of the decision was soon fully harshed. I never thought that I'd say this, but why do these little kids have to go along? And by little I mean, that they're in their late teens, early 20s. I know I'm self-centered and I've tried to make others cope with it for years, but these people... I've seen a bus accident as a child in which someone was killed and it isn't pretty, but I prayed that we would somehow fly off the Golden Gate Bridge all because Lex Luthor was causing an earthquake. But nope we weren't in California. There was no earthquake. There was no Ned Beattian sidekick. We were in for a long haul with perfectly quiet and sociable older people and mere 21-22 year olds who must have just discovered the effects of alcohol mere seconds before boarding our bus. I've traveled betwixt Milwaukee and Fondy many times. I can usually make it in about 14 minutes. 16 if it is snowing. But this bus ride took eons. In dog years, I would be dead four times over by now, but that's true of almost every experience in dog years at my age now anyway. The Game: Alls I can say is NOMAHHHHH!!! Boy did Boston piss off the wrong guy. Yeah, I know the sordid tales of why he left there, but Boston fans kill every good thing that walks tall in their sports world. If it ain't Larry Bird, Ted Williams, or Bobby Orr, it is crap and removed from God's loving presence. Nomar managed to get three doubles, had some great fielding, and distracted Chicagoans from booing at Sammy Sosa for a bit. Oh and the Brewers? I remember the glory days of Robin Yount, Paul Molitor, Jim Ganter, Rollie Fingers, Darryl Hamilton, Dale Sveum, Rob Deer, Cecil Cooper, Chris Bosio, Cal Eldred, Bill Wegman, Don August, B.J. Surhoff, Charlie O'Brien, Glenn Braggs, Teddy Higuera, Juan Nieves, and Dan Plesac. If hopes are pinned on Geoff Jenkins and Ben Sheets, there's a better chance in calling back Greg Vaughn and Gary Sheffield and Dante Bichette before those those two do anything remarkable. Hell, I'd even settle for getting Hank Aaron back before doing anything else. And what are Sal Bando and Mike Hegan doing? Anything? The ride back consisted of everyone trying to sleep except the bus drunks who were playing various bar drinking games, namely The Name Game, in which one of the girls, who didn't like being called dumb but in fact...was, mentioned Brian Boitano as a Reverse name about 148 times. I counted. When she wasn't busy trying to remember Dorothy Hamill's name, eventually settling on calling her Dorothy Hamilton, she was drunkenly explaining how the drunken guy next to her was a real gentleman because he didn't try to stick his hand down her pants on the bus ride home. Ah, chivalry, thou art not vanquished! Meanwhile he was slurring that it wouldn't be right because she was dating, which meant that he certainly wasn't drunk enough yet. Oh to be there at that moment of regret, when it would happen. He was busy explaining his philosophy on women, which was brilliant and insightful for someone that wouldn't seem able to manage to get a second date with Mr. Hand if he wanted to. She of course hung on his every word and nodded right along with him, which showed tremendous interest and compassion and that she wanted that slobbering drunk hand down her pants ASAP. When we got off the bus, they were going to go up to Oshkosh and hit the bar scene there, which is a cry for help if I ever heard one. Of course given that their designated driver was designated prior to her drinking herself to the point of unconsciousness, I doubt very much that they could even walk to her car in the parking lot, let alone get in it and drive it to Oshkosh. My father afterwards began to regret having the ability to hear because if he were deaf he never would've heard the offer over the radio to go to the game in the first place. That pretty much sums up the evening for me. The point of this little story: the drunk behind me could've gotten some from any one of the drunken, semi-attractive lasses in the bus. I, the picture of sobriety, would've had difficulty even with that crop of booze hags and THEIR judgment is completely off. Oh, CURSED FATE! WHY DOST THOU MOCK MY COUNTENANCE?!?!?! Toodles, Ben P.S. NOMAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

Name and Location:

U. Herman Zweibel/ The Zweibel Mansion Bed Chamber

Email:

zweibel_luvs_u@yahoo.com

Homepage:

www.theonion.com

Question for Mark:

Who do you think you are?

Mark's reply:  It depends on what mind-altering drug(s) I happen to be on at the time.  Sometimes I think I'm 13th century Sufi poet Mevlana Rumi; other times I think I'm the good-looking guy on the OC...you know, the one who gets all the chicks.  But usually I think I'm just a pathetic loser who has no real purpose in life.  By the way, what does the "U" stand for?

Digression

You may be acquainted with my paramount exertion as the publisher emeritus of The Onion or in my day it was called The Mercantile Onion. Some of you naive Luther worshippers have thought that I was deceased and suffering in hell's flaming pit, but alas, you close-minded Germans, I am still here. My paper is still lively and prosperous. Our website is updated weekly, and for those of you rich WELS theologians we offer a premium website where some of our hard-working reporters maintain their own personal pages. The Onion’s news reports can be heard on the radio by you habitual Luther worshippers. However there was a time when I thought my beloved dream, wrapped in a weekly paper, was going to die. This was when editor Scott Dikkers retired from The Onion to go on to direct an award winning talking picture show entitled Spaceman. Although this motion picture received little to no attention in the conventional media, I stood behind Scott. I knew of one fan from Martin Luther's College that loved this "movie". That is why I have to ask this question: will this parody of a parody make a talkie? This fall my meek newspaper is set to embark on a mysterious expedition on the silver screen. I wonder how long it will take the people at The Cabbage to plagiarize this idea. A parody of a parody newspaper...now that is crazy.

Name and Location:

Aunt Kay/Couch

Email:

kaystess@charter.net

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

What does happen if you make espresso with Water Joe instead of plain water?

Mark's reply:  I'd have to know the milligrams of caffeine in Water Joe and in a basic cup of espresso.  I'm guessing it would be like having a double shot of espresso, assuming their caffeine levels are equivalent...but, wait...no, I would think that since espresso uses just a few ounces of water it would only add a little bit of caffeine.  Now if you would brew regular coffee using Water Joe then it would be like having a cup of coffee with a shot of espresso.  You should try that.  Perhaps I'll talk to Seth or Bill (they started a coffee shop) and get their expert opinion.  I have to say that this was the absolute best question I've ever been asked...and not just on this web page...the very best question in all my life.  Are you mixing pain pills with your Water Joe?  If you don't have any, I think Joy's got some good stuff.  Else Buck can hook you up with some anticonvulsants.  By the way, I heard from somebody that she heard that someone else heard that there were something like 38 broken ankles at Whistling Sprains as of Friday.

Digression

Don't have to use your minutes on me, Mark. My screws are tight now and I'm feeling much better.

Name and Location:

Joy Ehlke

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Do you have a list of the family's telephone numbers?

Mark's reply:  I don't have Kay's number.  I do have your number.  I just hope it's Kevin and Stephanie (who would have ever thought two Ehlke boys would have wives?) going home because Scott needs to play softball tonight.  Pain pills are good.  I'll call you later tonight; I am almost out of cell minutes right now and am waiting till the 19th when my bigger plan kicks in.

Digression

If you know you should be calling your mother, who is in trenendous pain, and your aunt, who also is in tremendouse pain, why don't you? I know for a fact both of them would love to hear from you. One of your brothers and his wife are even going home just to see that your mom is ok. (Well, ok, they're also going to a wedding.) If there are errors in this, don't mention them. I'm on heavy duty pain pills.

Name and Location:

Paul Mattek, West Saint Paul, MN

Email:

pmattek@sclhs.org

Homepage:

coming soon

Question for Mark:

How the heck do you teach english good?

Mark's reply:  Your supposed to capitolize "English", Paul.

Digression

At long last I'm back (I know you've missed me). This is I: the writer of the piece entitled "A Short Story by Paul Mattek," which has been posted on the site for many months now. I know you've all read it, and now await with eager anticipation for the next time pearls of wisdom flow from one portion of my brain to another, down nerves to my fingers, from keystroke to electronic encryption, through ethernet, T-1 lines, and cable, to an ISP (possibly many), back through wires - or air - to your computer, from the screen, and finally, to your optic nerves and brain; when and whence your endorphins fly. I just realized, again, how my writing never really reflects what I am thinking. I sit here, reading what I just wrote, and think, "Who am I trying to be, Ben Wink?" Do I really have a burning desire to attempt witticism after witticism in an attempt to impress (or distress) this site's readers? No way, I'd rather rip on Mark. See, there I go again. I have no desire to rip on Mark either (although there is so much SO MUCH that I could bring up. [When Mark stays at your house for a week having previously stayed awake for almost 48 consecutive hours, it makes for some rather hilarious situations.] There I go again; there was nothing hilarious about it at the time. Mark had a broken heart, a broken car, and the unfortunate foresight and intuition to know that his dog Buck would soon be having some medical trials. Having looked back at this entire digression, it is all crap. I was really just looking for something to take my mind off how I am not in any way ready for the upcoming schoool year. I am sorry for having wasted your time. By the way Mark, give me a call soon; I am leaving for Appleton tomorrow morning.

Name and Location:

Martin Luther

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Did you realize that you are the 3rd most popular Lutheran? (After me and Jesus)

Digression

I don't understand why more people don't use this digression page. If I knew English, I'd write something on here everyday. I'd call it Tablespeak or something like that.

Name and Location:

Mark

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

How do you get so many chicks?

Digression

okay, Brett

Name and Location:

Brett

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Digression

But I was writing in regards to your latest digression. Thus, I felt it would be fitting to post it on your website. However, I will comply with your wishes. Oh wait...

Name and Location:

Brett

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Digression

But I was writing in regards to your latest digression. Thus, I felt it would be fitting to post it on your website. However, I will comply with your wishes. Oh wait...

Name and Location:

Mark

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Digression

Brett, let's keep our private discussions on Dan's website.

Name and Location:

Brett

Email:

Homepage:

Question for Mark:

Digression

No need to apologize, Mark.

Name and Location:

Ben Wink, Germantown, WI

Email:

eminencefront@hotmail.com

Homepage:

None, so back off you HOSERS!

Question for Mark:

Why is it that sometimes when we touch, the honesty's too much?

Digression

Well, digression fans, I just thought I'd come plowing in for what will be the last little nugget I shall leave on this pages. Frankly, I don't think anyone really reads this thing anymore and as Mark the founder of this particular venue has now exclaimed that he's found good in life, I've found that it'll be even lonelier here than before. So thanks to the four of your that have been reading whatever natterings and scribblings I've left here for the past months or years or decades or whatever. I'm sure that without your support, I never could've come up with whatever I came up with, poorly conceived and grammar butchering as it all was. Actually, I just wrote when I felt like it and the people who read this, if any, never really had any bearing but I just wanted to schmooze for a second or two. Well, I guess I'll be the cynic from now on and everyone else can just go on with their lives. In other words, if you didn't think so before, I'm the arsehole, don't worry. Hey as soon as something happens that makes life good for me, I'll let you know. But I couldn't write here because this is a digression area. Hmmm... I guess I'll take out an ad somewhere in the paper exclaiming that good was found. Don't fret. Before I go I just wanted to give a word concerning the now late yet still great Ray Charles. I know that Reagan died and that managed to take up most if not all of the media's attention. And if I really thought that the presidency really mattered all that much to national policy I would be more saddened, but Ray was a definite loss. Ray was an R&B, soul, and everything else legend. Brother Ray had a fantastic voice and incredible musical skills and will be sorely missed. I had the good fortune to see him two years ago in concert and was impressed and delighted. I wonder how I'll ever make it through life at times and see this black, blind, and eventually elderly and ill man give it all he's got and I'm inspired. He beat the odds and became a household name because of it. Incredible. Give it up for Brother Ray and take some time to listen to his amazing catalog of music. I guess that's it. Gotta fly. Bye.

Name and Location:

Ben Wink, Germantown, WI, United Arab Emirates

Email:

eminencefront@hotmail.com

Homepage:

www.donhenleyisgod.com

Question for Mark:

Mark? HELLOOOOO? MARK? Wake up, honey, and get your shoes on; we're at grandma's. When giving the finger to someone whilst driving should you also smile, give an angry look, or start making kissy faces? I'm just perplexed!

Mark's reply:  I try not to give the finger whilst driving; you never know who the recipient might be.

Digression

Well, the old adage is defintely true. If you're getting some, chances are you ain't writing, that's why I'm the only one who's putting stuff down in these pages, because yes dear reader, I ain't getting any. Now in the context of a Christian lifestyle, one should not want to "get any" after all this happens to cross that sixth commandment area quite blatantly. However, a little show of affection wouldn't hurt now would it? The last meaningful relationship I had was today at the drivethru at Culver's where I received a half-hearted smile from the girl working the window. I think she's playing apathetic to get, but I'll wear down her walls of resistance. Soon, I will get all the benefits of that relationship, what with all the free Pepsis and sundaes. My uncle says that women are like buses, there's always another one coming around the corner in twenty minutes. Of course, the last ladies he has dated always looked like they came from a bus station, so I guess I can understand where he gets the simile. They're like buses though? I guess it takes women up to four days to get from Green Bay to Madison and their rates are reasonable. I guess they have sticky floors, smelly bathrooms, and passengers with poor dental hygiene that always manage to sit next to you, breathing their halitosis-afflicted fumes all over you while they talk about the highlights from the Vikings '74 season. Maybe I'm taking the simile too far. "Fran Tarkenton was a great QB though...*hack*...*wheeze*..." Ewwww, ick. Of course this is Memorial Day weekend. Due to my never having been enlisted or drafted, a veteran or a deserter, I really don't know what to remember. I could remember the great war films I've seen, although I've recently watched The Dirty Dozen, The Great Escape, and Terms Of Endearment. Hmmm...this is perplexing. Maybe I'll remember my last almost girlfriend. Gosh, she was a darling. The way she owned that bar in Tibet and helped me fight Nazis in Egypt. The way she was wearing that white dress when she fell into the snake pit. The way she gunned those guys down from the cockpit of that flying wing that the Germans had...oh, wait that was Karen Allen in Raiders Of The Lost Ark. We never dated. Ever. Well them's the breaks, since she never responded to all those phones messages that I would leave for her. You know the ones where I would breathe heavy into the mouthpiece? So in memory of all the girls I've loved before, I have just those three little words for you. Those three little words of tenderness: Get Bent Now. Ah, memories.

Name and Location:

Ben Wink, Germantown, WI

Email:

eminencefront@hotmail.com

Homepage:

www.VanDammeFan.com

Question for Mark:

Mark. Dear friend. Do you think girls think less of a boy if he lets himself be kissed? I mean even though girls go out with boys like me, they usually marry the other kind.

Mark's reply:  I sure hope not.

Digression

Greetings to you all, "Why does the lofty and often rude and snotty Wink decide to come down from the mount now?" All right, all right, I manage to snatch your sarcasm up quickly. After all I use sarcasm on an almost hourly basis, excepting for the 14 hours a day I need for sleep and resting, so I can pick it up rather quickly. The bald-faced truth is that there's nothing new with me or nothing that's as big as other people's activities in comparison to mine. Every friend of mine is either married, getting married, thinking about getting married, or contemplating thinking about marrying, so there's nothing new on that angle with me. Other friends of mine have had recent bereavements or unexpected additions to what will be an instant family in a few months. But me? Nothing. So if you felt cheated by hearing nothing about me and my fantastic life, rest assured, dill pickles live a much more fascinating life than I do. At least they get to examine more mouths than I do in any case. On the synodical front things are increasingly bleak and joyless. Attendance at our schools is low. Missions are closing, as well as some schools too, I've heard. Tuition continues to go up. Synod still can't figure out how to do math. And once again, I don't have a call. It was Call Day again today and while I'm sure the two grads that did get staff calls are just aces, screw them, I've been sitting on the bench for a bit now, perchance now it's YOUR turn. Selfish? Egocentric? Snotty? Sure. I guess, but sorry. Can't help it at this point. "Well maybe that's what is preventing a call, your attitude!" Hey, I'm bright and rosy compared to some CALLED people that I've had teach me and I don't have a clue what they could be so bitchy about. Sheesh. There are people quitting teaching left and right in the church and I don't even get a chance to resign. That's unfairness. My father just jumped ship and joined the Church of the Lutheran Confession, or CLC. They broke off from WELS when WELS wouldn't break up with the Missouri Synod quick enough. When WELS finally did, the CLC people said they wouldn't get back together with WELS because WELS was, get this: too weak on fellowship issues! (Insert rimshot here) Wow, huh? So he just up and left. I heard they need a teacher for their middle grades at their school. Hmmmm...gosh, it's tempting. Reject the faith in a way to gain a paycheck? Not at all. If you think WELS is old school, CLC takes you back to the 1930's, as in 1,930 years before Christ. I think they don't even let their members cross the street with other citizens because it might be a show of fellowship. I believe standing up with others to sing the National Anthem at a ballgame might be considered a show of weakness with these people. I don't really expect anyone to really read this or even take the time to print it out to shred immediately. If you're so inclined, then terrific! It shows more effort than I have shown in the past year. Even my ploy of getting an article in synodical propoganda didn't get me any bites. The idea! Good thing that my artistic nature managed to take the money they sent me for the article in order to buy several hundred boxes of Bazooka Joe bubblegum, just so I could take the comic strips inside the wrapper and glue them together to form one big mural of joy. My guess was that some wouldn't call me because they considered that piece of writing a veiled chance to whine about my situation. Never, dear reader! There was nothing veiled about it: It Was Whining! On a grand scale. Just like this message. I realize that some of you here have bigger problems such as recent losses, recent gains either in wives, husbands, children, or all three, and such. Sorry to take this moment to just type natterings at around 2 in the morning. But I was bored and tired and disgusted and just trying to think of one more reason to bother sticking it out for one more stinking day on this planet when I realized that, yes, yes! The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly Special Edition DVD is coming out on Tuesday and I wouldn't want to miss that. But after that? Boy there better be something good for sale in June... That's all from the Land Of Misfit Trained Workers, Toodles